A New Sailor Senshi Named Sailor Galaxy Chapter 1!
by
Brenna S.
(Age: 15)
copyright 06-18-2006
Age Rating: 7 to 127
Picture Credits: http://www.google.com
First I will put down her bio:
Name: Mai Rain
Age: 13
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Brown in braid that wraps around her waist
Human Clothing:
1.School Outfit
2.Any kind of sport outfit
3.Pink tank top, jean mini skirt, black leather knee high boots
Sailor Scout Clothing: like all the others but her skirt, ribbon, and the shoulder thing is silver while the heart in the middle of the ribbon is gold
Sailor Scout Eyes: Same
Sailor Scout Hair: Same
Weapon(s): Galaxy wand, Galaxy Scepter
Attack(s): Galaxy Wand Release, Galaxy Scepter Blaster, Planetary Alignment (it is a forbidden attack she uses it in the final battle with all the sailor scouts it takes her life)
Description: She is an only child, has no family, her only friends are the sailor scouts (especially Saturn/hotaru).
the first part:
As I was walking around my yard I heard a scream. I quickly jumped on top of my fence and saw a young girl with a glowing thing above her head. The next thing I saw it turned black and a black substance covered her then she turned into a monster.
"Sailor Batter!" The phage yelled out.
"Take care of that girl on the fence Sailor Batter! "Sailor Iron Mouse commanded the phage.
"Yes leader!" Sailor Batter said.
I quickly jumped back down into my yard and started to run from the monster but suddenly it sent an attack at me and I fell over. I backed into a corner. When the monster was about to attack me I heard a swish sound then I saw 8 Girls in colored outfits.
"Leave that girl alone!" Sailor Moon yelled out.
"Who are you?" Sailor Batter asked.
"We are the sailor scouts and in name of the moon we shall punish you!" All the sailor scouts said together.
"We are wandering stars shooting throughout the galaxy! Sailor Star Fighter! Sailor Star Maker! Sailor Star Healer! Stage On!" All 3 starlights chanted together.
"What is that?" I asked.
"A phage an alien that is originally a human!" Sailor Mercury said.
Then a black cat came running forward with a black stick in it's mouth. The cat threw it to me. I picked it up. "What is this?" I asked.
"Its a transformation pen!" The cat said.
"You can talk!" I said startled.
"No time to explain! Just yell out Galaxy Star Power!" The cat said.
"Galaxy Star Power!" I yelled out.
Then suddenly I was engulfed in a black and red light. The next thing I knew I had a short silver skirt on, a tight outfit with a silver ribbon with a gold heart in the middle, a silver thing hanging off of my shoulders, silver gloves, and silver boots.
"Who is she Luna?" Sailor Mars asked.
"She is Sailor Galaxy!" Luna said.
"Good to have another on our team!" Sailor Venus said.
"Now call out your weapon then attack!" Luna said.
"Galaxy Wand!" I yelled out. Then a black wand with multi-colored gems encrusted in it plus on the very top it had a circular thing that had all of the sailor scouts signs on them.
"Galaxy Wand Release!" I yelled out.Then all of the planets signs joined together to form a black hole.
The black hole then trapped the phage. "Sailor Moon!Now!" Fighter said.
"Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!" She yelled out.
"Beautiful!" Sailor Batter said returning back to normal.
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you recommend or rate the work highly...
I liked it. It went a little fast but it was good. There were a few misspellings but they're not life threatening. It was really good. You could add a little more description to what her house was like, what the yard was like, what all of the surroundings were like. Talk to you later.
~Alma H.
This story sounds good. Its sort of short, but I do that a lot too, so its ok, expand it and it will be great. I write Sailor Moon Fan fictions too. I'll read this, good work.
As Leigh G. said, I am also a writer of Sailor Moon fanfiction. As a fellow fanfiction writer, I will give you a technical breakdown of the aspects of this story. The comment may be long, so get ready...
The beginning biography of your character is a nice touch. For people that like details and mental pictures, that will certainly help them with the story. However, a major problem I encountered is length: the story is quite short. It seems to end before it really gets started... I know this is an introduction, but the length could have been extended a bit with explaining things like why Iron Mouse was present or whether Iron Mouse took notice of the arrival of a new Sailor Senshi after her defeat (and presumable return to her lair) or anything else the reader may consider relevant. Aside from length, another problem was the abundance of mechanical errors (no punctuation of a few names, missing commas, missing apostrophes, etc.) The legibility of conversations would be much improved if each character had a new paragraph for their sentences.
Instead of:
"What's your name?" Sailor Jupiter asked me. "Me? Oh I'm Mai Rain!"
Do this:
"What's your name?" Sailor Jupiter asked me.
"Me?" Oh I'm Mai Rain!"
Doing so would eliminate the chance of a reader losing track of the speaker(s) and make reading easier. The ending leaves a bit to be desired: it would have been better to describe what confused the character and possibly have an introduction of each of the Senshi to Mai/Sailor Galaxy. It may seem like dragging things out, but every detail can go a long way in making (or breaking) a story!
Concerning what I do like: as I said earlier, the biography at the beginning was a good touch. Describing the transformation of Mai into Sailor Galaxy and her outfit and weapon adds detail to the event. And perhaps the best thing of all: another writer casts their pen into the fanfiction ring! As you may have gathered, I am partial to writing fanfics for both my amusement and that of my readers. It is good to see someone else write a fanfiction series: perhaps I will have some competition someday!
On the whole, this is a decent beginning to a series, but as I tell others, improvement as an author takes writing experience. It also takes solid, constructive advice from fellow writers to find where your strengths and weaknesses lie. I will gladly provide the latter, but the former is up to you alone! In that spirit, just keep writing. I trust that the quality of the technical aspects of your work will improve as you write more and time goes on! I will read the sequels and comment on them as well... until then, keep writing and do not be afraid to ask for advice when you need it!
Nice story. I was left hanging at the end, wondering what was going to happen next! That was a really good one! I hope to read more from the next chapter that is in the works, and I hope that you keep up the good and spectacular work.
This seems like a good idea! Even though, in her bio you should shorten "Alignment" to just "It is a forbidden attack that will take her life if used. Don't want to spoil so much. ;) You need to work on spelling and grammar though, capital letters, sentence formation, punctuation, and all of that sort. You also need to build things up a bit more, and add some descriptions. I do like the first person though, I feel the first person is harder than second or third for it's viewing a character's and feelings on a higher degree than the other tenses and persons. Overall, this was a good first chapter and typical to the Sailor Moon series. I'm just spoiled with fan fictions, I read the ones my a great friend of mine, Jordan Screws, and he does great with back round information. Read his work sometime, I'm sure you'll like it. :) Good work, keep writing! I'm off to the next chapter!
Funny...all those who have commented are Crusaders. :) Mehrina is one, she just refuses to say, "Mehrina of the Commenting Crusaders!" at the end of each comment... Beware, you got the critic of the CC. ;)
Leigh finally returning to the Commenting Crusaders!
Welcome !
