To My Beautiful Maiden (Ode to Chibi-Usa)
by
Tabitha Beaudin
(Age: 30)
copyright 11-09-2006
Age Rating: 10 to 127
Picture Credits:
My beautiful Maiden, so long ago you freed my heart and captured my soul. I once sought refuge in your dreams only to be trapped by a funnel of light. You shone so brilliantly, like an unbroken shadow, an immortal illusion cast upon the endless night. And I was wounded, drawn to you, so completely consumed by the enigma of love's first bloom. But Fate's cruel touch, swept down upon us, and with one taste of her cruel kiss, we fell away.
Do I still think of you? Do I still remember those times where I laid helpless in your arms? How, could I forgot, the essence of your kiss, the Velvet softness of your caress.
Help Us Stop Plagiarism -
Nearly all works at PnP are original. However a few people choose to plagiarize.
To check, choose a phrase from the work, then either drag and drop to the search box or copy and paste.
click on search and works at Google will be shown which match. Just to be sure, please do this before
you recommend or rate the work highly...
Ah, the legendary Chibi-Usa. People either love her or utterly despise her. I tend to lean towards the latter camp because her English voice actor makes my ears bleed uncontrollably whenever I hear her voice. I will try and be objective when reviewing this. Where to begin?
I have seen quite a bit of Sailor Moon when I was 13, but I do not remember it. However, I possess the Pegasus Collection Volume 1 and watch it on occasion. I trust that the poem pertains to this, so I will operate on that assumption. I like how it pertains to the storyline of the Pegasus arc and whatnot. I also like the words you use, especially the "funnel of light" and "the enigma of love's first bloom".
I found a line with a couple of mistakes. It goes: "How, could I forgot, the essence of your kiss, the Velvet softness of your caress." If I am right, it should be "How could I forget the essence of your kiss, the velvet softness of your caress?" As Barbara said, this could also benefit from a reorganization of the sentence structure to make it easier to read, but I will leave that to your judgment. It also seems to be a bit short: is there any way you can elaborate on it while keeping it true to the original intent?
At any rate, this is a good effort that could be made better. If this work is ever revised, I would like to read it again. Until that day, keep up the good work.
Hi
I am a new member and am systematically going through the members so I can get to know everyone on this site. Please go see my work and comment on it too.
I absolutely adored this poem.I love your use of words. I love the atmosphere you conjure. I love the phrases "funnel of light". I would prefer no space between the two parts and grammatically you ought to put the speech in quotation marks. You mean "forget" not "forget" and that last question needs a question mark at its end. You'll want to remove the word "once" which repeats itself at the start of your second sentence.
I'd break up the sentences differently. It would make your poem more powerful.
I have never heard of the personality of Chibi-Usa. Who is this? Is it connected to Sailor Moon?
I look forward to reading more of your poetry.
Barbara
OOH! Mina likes it! Chibiusa is one of my favorite senshi, and this poem is really nice. It perfectly fits Pegasus and Chibiusa. Again, beautiful poem. I can't wait to read more of your poems!
Megan C.
Looks like you have taken some rough critiques over this piece, but I think you will now agree that it has been for the best. What I now read here is a wonderful piece of poetry. It reads smoothly, with very picturesque language. Very poetic; very nice.
I never mentioned grammar, only spelling.
I thought it constructive to point out your spelling mistakes.
I see that you have edited your work, so therefore I feel vindicated.
We are supposed to offer honest critique, which is what I try to do.
If it offends maybe Bob can give guidelines.
Okay I actually check my work before I post it, however occasionally the odd misspelling can still remain. Spell check doesn't always catch everything.
I understand your views, but I think if you can't offer anything constructive other then you suck at grammar, then maybe it might be best not to comment at all. Since I am very aware of my grammar problems.
Thank you everyone else for your support, luv you all, Tabby.
I will not comment on the content this piece until until it is finished.
However, I would suggest that you pay attention to your spelling.
Bob has taken the trouble to furnish us with a spell check, and of course Windows has a very good one.
I feel that there can be no excuse for bad spelling.
If we wish to be taken seriously we should have the courtesy to throughly check our work before presentation.
Welcome !
