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Pretending is for children and
the mothers that play with them.
Not for just anybody, especially not me who
is trying to make everything work like a gem.
Pretending isn't a bad thing,
but denial is intense.
Denial happens when you pretend for too long,
it makes you believe the Sh*T you've instilled into your moral sense.
I have believed for so long that I was nothing,
that I finally convinced my self that I was unworthy of anything even love.
The denial of it was that I couldn't see that I was beautiful and deserved everything I thought of.
I didn't want to believe that I was better,
afraid that somebody would bring me down for it.
I hated rejection of any kind so I did it
to myself; so I could handle the sh*t.
Now that I'm older and not afraid of what people think,
I am strong and forthright.
I go after what I want and don't makes excuses for how I feel, and now I know it's alright.
The problem I have now is believing that I can't do anything.
I feel broken and weak at times because of the nothing-ness I bring.
I'm failing to see that I have everything that I am able to have,
And also frustrated because I am
unable to laugh.
Torn between what to believe, how to change, and the denial inside,
I want to run away and maybe things will go away if I hide.
F**ked in the head is how I feel sitting here feeling sorry for myself,
Some how "Over The Rainbow" seems inappropriate to listen to; so not to kill one's self.
I'm confused because I should
not feel this way,
I should be content with
what I have everyday.
My life is not so bad,
I can think of worse things.
Starving or no money at all,
my girls being gone or no one ever hearing me sing.
I'm denying my self happiness now,
so used to being unhappy; I forgot how to be happy.
Yes my children make me happy, but when my husband tries now, I feel like he has ulterior motives...isn't that crappy!
Inside I want to die sometimes,
on the outside I'm friendly, polite and full of smiles.
Inside I'm crying about everything,
On the outside you would never know I had such trials.
When my denial is finally gone,
I'm left with the pain that it's caused.
Pick up the pieces one by one and hope that I can live with my internal and external fraud.
I may come back to this one again! After my husband cheated on me these are the thoughts I had and sometimes still do but not as often. I am self healing and it seems to be working... of course writing it like this helps out. I'm sorry if it's a little confusing. Thanks for reading!
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