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My Personal Vietnam War
by
Jordan Screws
(Age: 21)
copyright 07-11-2006
Age Rating: 10 to 127
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Hello everyone. I do not mean to engage in a Melodrama Hour with this MoonNote, but this concerns a fight I have been fighting for over three months. Normally I would keep my problems to myself, but I feel I have nearly reached the end of my endurance, so here goes. For the past three months, my mother and I have been fighting to bring my father back home. But recently I have been wondering: is it worth the fight?
This entire mess started when my father started e-mailing his high school sweetheart in mid-April. At first I suspected nothing: I even aided him in setting up a Yahoo account so he could e-mail her. Then the e-mails started becoming more frequent until my father started spending an hour or so each day sending messages to her. Curiously enough, he made certain to erase his received messages after each session. Then one day in mid-June my mother told me that he had moved into the home of her ex-husband and his wife!
That is the point where things went downhill in a hurry. He had nothing to do with us except for brief phone calls and occasional brief visits, but otherwise he was too busy amusing himself at their home. My mother was fighting to bring him back, but the main enemies to the effort were the wife and my father's "sweetheart". The former was of particular concern because she despises my mother and would do anything to hurt her, and my father living in her house was a golden opportunity to do just that! For five days in late June (the 25-30th) my mother was making progress in bringing him back home, and they even conspired to find a hotel room he could get away from them while he made the transition.
But guess what? Come June 31st, he went off to have a good time with P.O. (the ex-husband) and D. (his wife) while we were supposed to wait at home for him to do something with us! So my mother and I bolted for my birthplace (Brunswick, GA) to avoid having to stay at home. We stayed until July 2nd and returned home to absolutely nothing, but we got an invitation from an aunt and uncle to have a meal at their place Monday night. So we went there and ate, and then they went swimming while I stayed behind. The swimming pool reminded me too much of my father, so I did not go swimming.
Fast forward to the past two days... Yesterday my father said he would show up to talk with us about his funding my education at Mercer University. The deadline is July 15th, but he has to sign with my mother for the credit since their bills and debts are together. However, D. had asked him how he was going to afford to send me to Mercer since they could not, and he seems to have gotten the notion that if he can put off signing for the money, he can say he supported my effort but just could not sign for it since he was living separately from us and had to support himself! Not surprisingly (for me at least) he did not show up here yesterday, citing that he had groceries he needed to take home to a house he was renting.
However, my mother encountered him in the bank while submitting the credit application and asked him when he planned to talk to us, he said "We'll talk sometime", which was a signal he planned to evade the issue. Then last night, my Aunt M. and Uncle J. showed up and talked with my mother. I figured something was afoot since she asked me to stay out of this conversation when normally I could stay in there with them. Around 9:45 p.m. I went out of my room to use the bathroom and as I was coming back, I slipped into my bedroom and heard bits and pieces of the conversation. One thing I overheard from my mother was "I may have to talk him (me) out of Mercer to bring him (my father) back home".
Around 9:57, I emerged from my bedroom to get something to drink. I expected to be ushered from the living room/kitchen area, but I was invited to join the conversation at that point. Keeping my ill-gotten knowledge to myself, I played along and entered the conversation, answering questions and giving opinions when necessary. After my aunt and uncle left around 10:55, my mother asked me in our kitchen if I were willing to give up a chance to attend Mercer University to bring my father back home once and for all. I told her I would, but only if he gave me solid proof he would not leave us again.
She implored me to "help her out" by giving in to him. If I were to give up attending Mercer University during the fall semester, we would take pressure off of him and be able to bring him home as a member of the family again. I expressed my concern that we would be handing him a weapon to use against us whenever a difficult decision displeased him, but she seemed to blow my opinion off and cited how expensive it would be to attend and added that I was "worth the money". We argued back and forth, each of us refusing to give in, until she made a promise to me: if I were to submit to my father (i.e. offer to give up MU fall attendance to bring him home permanently) and he still refused to stay home, she would take a second job to send me now. I was not sold on the idea and was in no mood to give in, and she continued to plead, but she said that I could think it over.
This is the family situation in the simplest form I could put it in. My mother and I both want peace, but I do not know how long it would last if we gave in. At the risk of sounding like an inconsiderate and selfish person, I refuse to give in because I earned the right to attend Mercer University and I feel that if I gave in, we would be rewarding him for his actions. How long would peace last before he gets the same notion again, and what else would be sacrificed to buy him off? Once he realizes that we have handed him a weapon, what is to stop him from threatening to use it again?
For those who served in the Vietnam War and those who have read about it, the name implies a battle that has no clear-cut "good guys" and "bad guys" and one that seems nearly impossible to win because of restraints imposed by a power with no real understanding of the nature of the fighting. Right now I feel like I am caught up in a Vietnam War of my own. To be honest, even though we have not talked yet, I feel like my mother sold me out and my father was biding his time specifically for this opportunity. He seems to have waited for us to become divided before he came to talk to us about college funding. I do not know if he had planned for this to happen or not, but if he does talk to us tonight, he will already have an advantage.
I was there to lend a shoulder to my mother, not him! I was the one to have to keep a straight face and be the man while my mother cried, not him! He didn't have to face his relatives and have to tell them of his antics, we did! I will give you a brief casualty list: my mother has cried, my half-sister has cried, my Aunt M. and Aunt S. have cried, my uncle J. is mortified while my Uncle A. is ready to hunt him down and beat him senseless, his own brother is upset, other family members are in disbelief, and I feel like he has tossed me aside to chase an illusion of his younnger years. After all the damage he has done to his family, I ask you: why on Earth should we give anything to him when he has already taken so much?
Up until yesterday, my mother and I were united in our feelings towards him. But upon the possible beginning of talks with my father today, I do not know who the "enemy" is. My reaction may seem like I am protecting my self-interest, but why should I give something to him in the name of peace when he has made no real effort to come home? Why should I be the one to have to offer something when there is no guarantee he will hold up his end of the bargain? Should I even trust my mother's promise?
My mother was willing to sell anything, including our home, to bring him back to us, and he refused to change his ways. She has talked to him time and time again, but each time he evaded answering critical questions. He has had next to nothing to do with us, yet he expects a warm welcome and a return to the status quo should he grace our home with his presence. In my opinion, the time for us to negotiate with him has passed and we need to stand firm to thwart his waiting game. But it seems my mother is ready to give my dream up to appease him, which is akin to offering a cannibal a finger to save the arm.
I am hurt and confused. I feel anger towards my father and feel like I have been sold out by my mother, a firm friend of mine until last night. I have entered the jungle, and I cannot see the enemy. My government is willing to give up the fight, but I am willing to continue the battle. What will turn out to be the right course of action in the end?
Again, I did not mean to make this a Melodrama Hour, but I needed somewhere to make my feelings known. The talks (may) begin today, and I am already entering at a disadvantage. Since the outcome may be predetermined, I have little left to lose and I will fight him, even against the wishes of my mother. I never thought I would have to fight my father, but the results of his flight from his family have pushed me to this point. Regardless of the outcome of the discussions, I will continue with my life and cope the best I can.
I have given my story, so I will end it here. I thank all who read this for their attention and tolerance of my emotional moments. The latter is of particular importance to me because I do not show my feelings easily, especially when it concerns personal matters.
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07-17-2006 Leigh G.
Long time no contact, huh Jordan? You're in PnP chat right now, but I don't think I could say everything I wanted to in semi-person. I'm getting used to being a loner again... Another words, reading, writing, and all of that. Sorry for not being on, I don't know if I should even comment on this since I'm feeling like such a useless friend right now. I really wish I could just hop to chat saying, "Konbanwa Kyusu-chan!" but a lot has changed since then. I need to hurry with this comment, so my mom doesn't see I'm doing anything aside from looking for life-jackets...don't ask, it doesn't matter.
Well, with your father, I think he would use that was a weapon against you two. It'd make sense, from what you've told me about him, and only that, I can really tell. Like Meh said, he's not being a very good father. I can relate with your feelings here, even if the situation is very different from mine. Like I said, I only know what you've told me, but I truly think he'll leave again, I don't think you can trust his words... Nor your mothers in this situation. The lacking of Mercer University payments will keep him around for a while, but really now...when is the next problem going to arise and make him leave again? Think about that a bit, even though it's not what you want to hear.
On your mother's part, I can see why she wants him back. Even if it's foolish, she apparently still cares about him. She seems like the type that would want a husband, and wouldn't want to be solo. My guess, my mother joins in the yelling and storming off cursing,
"Fing ja..."
And another thing, her promise...one question: aren't there any part time jobs in your area you could get? I mean, if you got a part time job this winter, since you're not going to be able to attend MU, why not? What have you got to lose? I couldn't say if I believe in promises, they're like ghosts to me. Saying I believe in promises, would be like saying I believe in mermaids. And I'd be lying if I said that I was sure she'd keep that promise.
Even though, like I said, I think he would jump to use that against you. Them having some apart time might settle things silently, with no fuss, but it's hard to say. Them parting...well, it could be for the best. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I've come to terms with that myself. Sometimes, parting forever is the best thing. Binding yourself to staying with another person under the pretenses of the emotion called "love"...when you think of it, isn't it foolish? Your mother seems to be the type that can't stand as a loner, so maybe I'm wrong. I'm just reading text, even if I feel like I knew you, I only know the text you type. Kinda funny we say we're "friends", huh?
Well, like I said, it might be best if you get a job yourself. Just keep in mind: there are people who's parents blatantly don't want them to attend any kind of college. Even though, you should do all you can to get to Mercer University, you have a future, and you should still try to follow your dreams. Becoming a history teacher is a good dream, the US is lacking in teachers that classes have too many kids and they aren't learning a thing. So many teachers today don't care about their students, and they just pass them to get them away from the class. Keep trying, you can do it. I knew you really well, you'd be a great teacher that would make sure his students were memorizing the information and not just skipping by. If you don't have a past, you don't have a future. And another thing, you're not being selfish here.
I'd love to say what Mehrina did...but I can't. I know you're a good person, and I do want to be your friend, but that just doesn't seem to be the way things were meant to be. Everything happens for a reason, Jordan. This is happening for a reason, and so is the fact that you won't be seeing me much anymore.
You (or Sam) is paging me to PnP chat right now...I think it would be worse to talk to you in semi-person, but I suppose I will.
Another thing I want you to think about...you're going to turn twenty, you can also get a job now, than move out. Get an apartment, than save up for college, than attend Mercer in a few years. You can do it, as somebody who was your friend, I know you can.
Now that I've said that, I'm going to say goodbye. We'll still talk sometime, but no more seldom e-mails, nightly chatting, or anything of the like. I've been a bad friend, and I was never suppose to be your friend. Remember when I told you the meaning of the word 'sayonara'?
Don't reply to this, I think it should be a true goodbye, it's not forever though...who knows? We might just met in reality in a few years. I've got a hook-up, so you might even see a book of mine in a store someday. As a the friend I was, and will once again be, I truly think you can get through this. Good luck, I know you can win.
Sayonara,
Leigh
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07-12-2006 Mehrina B.
I totally agree with Samantha. Jordan, if you ever need consolation, or help, you know where to find us! Remember, 3 heads work much better than 1. We'll ALWAYS be here to help you.
I will state my opinions: your father isn't acting like a father. He's being selfish, and cruel. Here you are, young and brilliant, who have this one opportunity to go to one of the best universities in the US, and get a chance at a good life. But he, who could care less of family values, deciding he wants the money to pay for his own selfish and pointless ventures. Operative words: acting like a total jerk. How could he be so inconsiderate? Just walk out of the house, leaving his whole family dangling in the wind. Don't give up Jordan. This is his way of dominating you and your family by dirty means. And from what I've heard, he'll probably do it again. Therefore, go with your instincts! This is where instincts kick in. And if they don't, set your Uncle A. loose; at least he'll be able to kick him out.
Here's one tactic: tell him all you've written here. Tell him how much Mercer means to you, and how you feel about being betrayed by your parents. Tell him everything, and maybe he'll gain a speck of sense.
Remember, keep on fighting, we all join in.
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07-11-2006 Sam Hackel-Butt
I really don't know where to start. But I guess I'll begin with how terrible this whole situation is, and how much it all sucks. I'd use stronger, dirtier words, but alas, the comment wouldn't be approved. Your father is selfish, not behaving appropriately to send his son to University, and after what you'd told me of him, he might be demanding, but every father wants their child to get a good education, go to university, get a job, etc... The fact that he's looking for ways out of paying without looking bad IS making him look even worse, and maybe instead of him leaving you guys, you guys should leave him, despite what's going on with Mercer. If he's chasing fantasies and dreams, he should be made aware of the consequences, and you leaving is one.
I know this is all incredibly difficult, but maybe the shock of something so big (even if he acts like he doesn't care, he probably still does, even an iota,) might bring him around. And if it doesn't, try the one semester off and enter the Spring one, get a job yourself, and work towards it. If you father has been controlling and gives you a bed time when you're 19, he might respect you more if you work towards it yourself. Remember, this is all my opinion.
By caving into demands, I think you're showing you're being weak, and it might be some pressure off of him, but that's more onto you, because you're missing out on an opportunity you've wanted and deserve. If he's afraid of your sudden surge of power because you've grown up, take that power he fears and make him feel badly. Use the Jewish guilt, throw examples into his face of all the things he's enforced onto you. And like all parents, he'd probably retaliate with the "I'm the parent, obey me" line, but just simply state he ISN'T being the parent, by abandoning you and your mother, causing so much trouble, turmoil, and such.
Of course, I don't know your father, so I do not know how any of this might work at all. In the end, I'm sure things will work out, but even with that feeling, you should think through all this for the millionth time. Examine every inch, run through possible conversations on both sides, try to find a way to handle this all and find the way that is most comfortable for you.
One thing, is don't choose a side. Don't choose your mother or your father, because that could cause problems, if one parents thinks you're leaving them for the other. Remain neutral. And remember, beating your pillow into oblivion can be comforting. So can crying, but I know the whole thing with guys crying is kinda weird. Stupid stereotypes.
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