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It was a typical Saturday morning, and I was coming down off of a four-hour The Elder Scrolls 3: Morrowind spree. I looked at the bright red display on my alarm clock and the time read 3:30 a.m. Having pillaged countless bandit caves during my quest to save the world from destruction, I decided to call it a night, so I saved my progress and shut down my computer.
Eight hours later
When I finally woke up around 11:30 a.m., I ignored the gnawing pain in my stomach and turned on my computer in order to check my e-mail. When I saw the Deathscythe Custom picture I set as my desktop wallpaper, I smiled and remembered the friends in America who said I was obsessed with Gundam Wing. Checking my e-mail, I found that I had received 48 pieces of junk mail. My indignation aroused, I mumbled "Lousy mendicants! I have no use for their services... after all, I have plenty of appeal without Botox!" Gleefully marking each piece of junk mail for destruction, I then deleted each one individually, whistling Zero's Theme from Mega Man X3 as I did so.
After finishing that necessary task, I spied an e-mail from my mother. The title was in all capital letters, and knowing that she did not normally communicate by e-mail, I knew that whatever she had to say was not good. Opening it, I read a message that shattered more than my plans for the day.
THE SITUATION AT HOME
"Dear Jordan: I hate to have to tell you this, but your father left me for another woman. She was his high school sweetheart, but they didn't speak much after he married me. Somehow the old flame between them has been rekindled... we used to talk of being cremated and having our ashes placed in the same urn, but it seems that our plan to always be together will no longer happen. Your father has changed..."
The message went on for awhile after that, but the only part that stuck in my mind was "Your father has left me for another woman." Feeling utterly flabberghasted, I logged off of the Internet and then turned off my computer. Staring at the blank monitor, I started to remember the time we went to a family before I left as an exchange student to Japan.
It used to be the three of us against the world... but it seems that is no longer the case. Where is the man I once called my father? WHY would he do this now, of all times? I thought with an increasingly disgusted expression on my face. Seized by utter hatred and as if animated by it, I jumped up, found a picture of my father and myself standing at the airport terminal before I boarded the airplane, and smashed the glass with my right fist. Paying no attention to my bleeding hand, I proceeded to tear the picture down the middle, symbolically destroying our bond as he had done to the family. As the halves fluttered to the ground and settled, I noticed that blood had dripped on my father's half.
"We were close once, but now you are dead to me. My blood staining your picture is the closest I will be to you the rest of my life..." I declared to the picture.
Going off to tend to my hand, I left the halves on the blood-stained tile. As the hydrogen peroxide burned my hand where the cuts were, I looked in the mirror and realized how much my hatred dominated my actions. My face was bright red, my eyes were narrow with disdain, and my hair was disheveled. Nonchalantly removing the glass from the frame embedded in my hand, I opened my medicine cabinet, found some gauze and wrapped my fingers and hand in its protective embrace. Making use of medical tape to keep the delicate wrappings in place, I healed myself physically but lacked the means to do so spiritually.
Cleaning the tile with a sponge and water, I cleansed the floor of evidence and set about dressing myself for a day on the town. I chose a navy blue shirt, my white cargo pants I loved so much, and my immaculate white tennis shoes. Placing my blue cloak around my shoulders and tying it in place, I was mindful of my wrapped right hand and the attention it might bring, but at that time it mattered little. I could aways explain that I burned my hand... or that I cut myself with a kitchen knife, or any number of seemingly logical excuses. With that knowledge, I put the gauze and medical tape in my pockets and set out to try and forget the situation at home.
Walking about the streets of Tokyo, I gazed at the numerous shops and the vendors advertising their wares. Lacking a better idea of something to do, I braved bicycle and automobile traffic to go to the mall. On my way, I thought I heard what sounded like a small boy calling for help over the din of the milling crowd on the sidewalk. Following the sound of the voice, I walked into a back alley and stumbled upon one surly-looking teenager holding a small brown-haired boy upside down and shaking him violently and another with his back to me holding something. Lurking in the shadows, I noticed that the boy with his back to me was holding a struggling Chibi-Usa in his arms!
"How deplorable... holding up children for their allowances! Have you no shame?" I called out.
"Who's that?" The one holding the boy asked as his eyes darted back and forth.
The boy holding the small brown-haired boy dropped him and pulled a knife, waving it about and taunting in my general direction. I figured that he was frightened and was putting on a show of bravado for his accomplice as well as his victims. Sneaking up behind the one holding Chibi-Usa, I targeted the back of his head and delivered a roundhouse kick, sending him headfirst into a sturdy steel dumpster.
"Who's there?!" The panicked guy with the knife screamed.
As Chibi-Usa ran to check on the small boy, the knife-wielding rogue grabbed her and held it to her neck and cried "Show yourself or she's gonna get it!" Since it was fairly dark, he failed to notice me as I stepped in from behind and jerked him around to face me! He was so startled that he dropped the girl, but not enough to try and stab the knife into my chest!
He missed as I dodged to the side and quickly performed a leg sweep to drop him to the ground. As he fell to the ground, his gleaming switchblade clattered into a corner near Chibi-Usa. Feeling a burst of rage similar to the one I felt in my apartment, I yanked the stunned rogue to his feet, slammed him against a wall, and pounded his mouth until he spit two teeth out of his mouth. Not taking my eyes off of his, I threw him down and said:
"I do not take kindly to people who threaten children. I also despise those who would take one as a human shield. Now you take rogue friend over there and never enter my eyesight again. You were lucky to lose a few teeth, but that may not be the case next time."
His eyes wide with fear, he nodded and said nervously "What- whatever you say!" as he rose to his feet and dashed off to drag his unconscious buddy away. Never breaking my gaze on them, I made certain that they left us in peace by walking a few steps behind him. Picking up his pace, he almost ran with his friend while dragging him by his feet! Once I ascertained that they were literally out of sight, I crossed my arms and laughed to myself, then out loud, my laughter reverbrating off of the alley walls.
"Thanks for rescuing us Jordan!" Chibi-Usa said while wiping her tear-filled eyes.
"Yeah... we owe you!" said the brown-haired lad I had rescued.
Walking out into the sunlight with them, I failed to notice my bloody right hand until Chibi-Usa said "You must have done a number on his face! Your hand is bloody!" Like she said, the wrapping on my right hand was covered in blood!
"Thanks..." I said as I discarded the wrapping, pulled the gauze and medical tape out of my pocket, and proceeded to create a new wrapping for my hand. Chibi-Usa's face was aghast at what she had seen, but then she said "I have a friend who can help you with that! She left with Usagi, Mamo-chan, and the others to go to the mall!"
"What a coincidence! I was going to the mall when I heard that boy calling for help!" I replied.
Walking with a child at each side, we entered the consumer's utopia known as the mall. Chibi-Usa rushed off saying "I'll find her soon! Shingo, come with me!"
"Shingo, eh?" I asked him.
"Yeah. Usagi's my klutz of a sister!" he replied as he ran off to follow Chibi-Usa. Taking a seat in the food court, my mind began to wander about...
A harp was playing as a woman's heavenly voice sang Schubert's Ave Maria. I wandered along a moonlit road flanked on both sides by Greek columns and adorned with flowers. From out of nowhere, Minako walked up in a white tunic and placed a laurel wreath upon my head while declaring "You are a princely fellow and are worthy of entrance to Elysium. Come with me..." she said as she took my arm. Going along out of curiosity, we entered a beautiful temple with a giant statue of a queen with odangoes holding a scepter with a crescent moon on top. In from of the statue was a large fountain flowing with crystal-clear, sparkling water. Minako then spread her arms wide and said loudly "Behold the splendor of the Temple of Neo-Queen Serenity!"
A graceful female figure surrounded by a soft silver light descended from a platform with steps leading down. Her steps were so graceful that she almost seemed to float down the staircase. A male figure accompanied her with steps equally as graceful. At the bottom of the stairs, the woman was Makoto and the man was Darien. Makoto reached out with her hand as I heard Ami playing the harp and Setsuna's voice singing Ave Maria. Makoto was steadily walking towards me, her face looking into mine. We were just about to meet when Usagi's head appeared and shouted "Want some sugar cookies?!"
"IT'S A GUNDAM!" I shouted as I fell backwards in the chair and rolled onto the floor. A few seconds later, Shingo was standing over me and laughing while clutching his stomach. Usagi, Darien, Chibi-Usa, Minako, Makoto, Ami, Setsuna, Michiru, Haruka and Hotaru followed suit. Picking up my chair and setting it upright again, I said flatly "I am glad you derived amusement from my tumble."
"You watch too much Gundam Wing, you junkie!" Usagi said with a smile while pointing at me.
"What about it? At least I'm not an addict to sugar cookies!" I replied while pointing with my bandaged hand.
"What's up with your hand?" Darien asked.
"It's a long story..." I said.
"Riiiight... did you think of Mako-chan while chopping carrots again?" Usagi asked with a wide grin.
"I am positively indignant! How dare you suggest such a ludicrous thing?" I responded with a glare while crossing my arms.
"OK, OK..." Usagi said while raising her hands towards me. She was still grinning like a donkey.
Minako laughed at the proceedings and said "Your secret's safe with me... whisper in my ear if it's true!"
I said "Et tu, Minako?" while taking a step back. After that, Usagi made another crack at me.
"Remember when you passed out in Makoto's arms? It could have been you and Haruka!!" she said while laughing spasmodically.
An obviously flustered (and perhaps blushing) Haruka looked at me and said "Shall we?"
Figuring out her plan to throw her in the mall fountain, I grinned a wicked smile and said "Yes, let us proceed!"
Usagi looked at us, dropped her cookie bag, and ran away screaming as we chased her out of the mall. I waved my bandaged fist while shouting "COME BACK HERE AND TAKE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU! I'LL GNAW YOUR LEGS OFF!", a line from Monty Python and The Holy Grail that I felt was appropriate to the situation. The others trailed behind us at a jog, laughing the whole while. Haruka and I both tired long before the sugar-fueled Usagi did, stopping our pursuit at the city park and walking onto the grass as our quarry kept running. As we were panting and nearly on our knees from exhaustion, we hobbled over to each other and exchanged a high-five.
"She could run in a marathon..." Ami casually commented.
"What a loser! She'll trip soon..." Shingo added.
"So Jordan-kun, how are you?" Makoto asked.
"After chasing that obtuse lass? Splendid!" I flatly remarked.
Shingo tugged on Makoto's skirt and shouted excitedly "Jordan saved my life and Chibi-Usa's from two teenage bullies! He even knocked some teeth out of one guy's mouth for holding Chibi-Usa as a human shield!"
"Yes. Those brigands had it coming the moment I laid eyes upon them..." I said.
"Really? That was nice of you... I hope you weren't hurt too badly!" she said while putting her arms around my neck and hugging me.
"I crush brigands and get the girl! Such is the life and duty of a hero!" I declared.
I held her in my left arm while giving the V for victory sign with my right hand. Minako grinned, Darien gave me a thumbs-up, Ami clasped her hands together and smiled, and the rest just laughed at me. The back of my outstretched hand was starting to bleed again, and I needed a way to get away without them noticing it.
"I need to take care of something... is there anything going on at Rei's temple later on?" I asked Ami.
"Yeah... We're just going to hang around and whatnot. It is at 8:30!" she cheerfully answered.
"I shall see you then!" I said as I dashed off to my apartment while concealing my hand under my cloak. Locking the door behind me, I removed the wrapping while looking at the picture halves I had left on the floor hours earlier. Noticing the bloodstains on it from earlier and looking at my bleeding right handand back to the picture, I said:
"If you had tried nearly as hard to stay with us as you did trying to get to her, we would still be together!" I shouted in agony. If my father's blood did indeed flow through my veins, I wanted none of it, but I needed it just to live. I thought that was certainly ironic; the man I could stand to live without still had a grip on my life!
"So that is the curse of humanity... if one ends up hating a parent, they still need them to live because their blood courses throughout the child's body..." I said to no one in particular. Tending to my hand once more, I wrapped the numerous diagonal scars and cuts in the protective gauze that concealed the evidence of my pain from the world. After finishing that, I watched my Gundam Wing DVDs until I looked at my clock and it read 7:30 p.m. Upon noticing that, I turned off my DVD player and TV, ground my father's portrait half under my heel, and headed towards Rei's temple.
"What am I here for? Do I even have a purpose for living? Has my life been an extended mistake?"
These thoughts and others swirled in the raging whirlpool that was my mind as I shambled towards Rei's temple. The street lamps dotting the shadow-covered sidewalk resembled my shattered confidence in the purpose of my life, the dark spots far overwhelming the light. At about 8:00 p.m., I came to sit on the steps to the temple and try and regain my composure. The more I sat and thought, the more my father's treachery weighed on my mind. The fog of hatred and confusion descended on my mental landscape about the time I heard footsteps coming my way.
I felt a tap on my shoulder as a man said "Do you need shelter, sonny?"
My mind clouded with rage, I screamed "DON'T PATRONIZE ME! I"M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR IT!" while making a fist with my right hand. He politely stepped back while saying "Sorry sonny... I didn't mean to bother you." I felt tremendous guilt for exploding on the elderly gentleman before me and kneeled, hiding my face in shame.
"It's OK lad. I can tell you are distressed about something. No normal person acts like that..." he said with a smile.
Barely able to look him in the face, I asked in a nervous voice "Who are you?"
"I'm Rei's grandfather. You must be Jordan, the fellow she says acts so wierd and is obsessed with Makoto..." he said as he patted me on the shoulder.
"Indeed, I am the one she speaks of. I hated for us to meet under these circumstances." I said while looking at the ground, still unable to face the kind old man.
"Come with me into the temple. Rei and most of her friends are in there now, and it is 8:40..." he spoke in a kind voice.
Finally looking him in the face, I whispered "Thank you..." as I rose to follow him. Under the suprising radiance of paper lamps hanging in the hallway, he looked like a saint guiding a sinner to salvation. I certainly felt that way as he guided me to the room where most of the others had gathered. He opened the door and motioned for me to enter. I thanked him for his patience as I entered the room under the curious eyes of the others.
"So... he graces this room at last!" Rei impatiently remarked.
"I'm on time for once!" Usagi cried enthusiastically.
"Liar! You got here at 8:35!" Chibi-Usa chided.
The two of them fell to squabbling as Ami crossed her arms and sighed. Their bantering continued unabated as Rei said something that caught my ear.
"My father said he would come here for lunch today, but he didn't show. What a loser!"
"Yes... my father isn't there for me either. He goes off and paints while we are left to fend for ourselves..." Ami choked out with tears in her eyes.
"My parents died in a plane accident...I still miss them..." Makoto slowly with a trace of sadness.
"My parents are dead too..." Darien added mournfully.
Every time they spoke of family, their words struck my heart like a sledgehammer. I almost cried once or twice but thought better of it... why should a man cry? I couldn't cry and keep face, even among a room full of girls: the rules of my gender demanded it! When emotions start to take effect, even ironclad rules are broken, but I was trying to fight them the best I could. The pain of everything started to take its toll on my strained endurance.
I tried to keep my composure, but eventually Usagi stopped bickering with Chibi-Usa and noticed my face: I saw her looking at me from the corner of my eye. I could almost read her lips as she asked the fateful question.
"So... what about your family?"
Hiding my mouth behind my cloak, I said "Alright, I suppose..." in an apparently unconvincing tone of voice. Makoto came to my side and said "It's alright. Cry if you want to." I had the green light from someone close to me, but I was still fighting it. I could not give in to my emotions!
"He's as weak as my father is. Go ahead and cry..." Rei remarked.
Her words hit me as if she had spit acid in my face. I tried to stay firm, but I kept hearing her acidic remarks.
"He's a loser. All guys are losers! They act tough and follow a macho "I don't cry!" rule... that makes me sick to my stomach!" She said looking at me.
"Quit hiding behind your ridiculous cloak and show us how manly you are! Show us your iron face!" She shouted with an unflinching gaze.
While the others chided her for her remarks, a fire in my mind flared up. She sounded just like my father used to when he mocked me for crying! Even her stern look was the same! I was NOT to be conquered by anyone, let alone her! I would live to spite my perfidious father, not roll over and play dead like he expected!
"So big man... show us the look of a man of steel!" she kept goading me on, seemingly taking sadistic pleasure in breaking me down just to prove her theory. I had been warned of her dislike for men by Ami a few months back, but never had I experienced it firsthand... until now.
"My father is dead to me..." I muttered with clenched teeth, trying to quell the raging fire within my mind that was bursting to flare up into an all-consuming fury.
"Speak up, big boy! I think you're going to cry!" Rei shouted as if challenging me to.
I will be conquered by no one! I thought as I threw my cloak aside and shouted at the top of my lungs "MY FATHER IS DEAD TO ME!"
Rei stepped back with a look like she had been hit by a baseball bat to the stomach. Everyone else gasped and stared at me in open-mouthed horror. Poor Chad cowered in a corner while clutching a trembling Minako.
"My father left my mother today for another woman! He left the life we had together for that... THAT wench!" I continued to shout while jabbing my finger at Rei repeatedly.
"I feel like I've lost my purpose in life. He doesn't care for me anymore, and he could care less for my mother! If he cared for us, that wench he left my mother for would have barely merited his attention! I do not know about my mother, but I am still fighting him! My battle is not over, and I am fighting it even as I speak to you!"
Recovering her composure, Rei said "So this is how a man of steel acts. Covering his emotions with anger... so childish!"
Turning my hatred-filled gaze upon her, I said slowly and forcefully "SHUT... UP. My patience with you is nearing its end!" Stunned and thoroughly chastised, she clutched a pillar for support as her face paled, probably because she was unused to any effective retaliation. She had deserved the brunt of my outburst, but the others had not, and that agonizing thought troubled me to no end.
Feeling enormous guilt for what I had done, I ripped off my hand wrapping to reveal my damaged hand and said:
"I may try to act superhuman, but in the end, no matter how hard I try, I am only human. I bleed like you. I have feelings like you. I have people I care for. All this time, I have followed the rigid rule of my gender that has been active in America for generations. My old-fashioned father said "Men don't cry."
"I have lived by that rule and expanded upon it. I have tried to hide my emotions and show the world an iron facade, but it started coming apart when I met Makoto. Rei just helped me break that barrier, but maybe I have been too harsh on her. Regrettably, I have also pushed my problem onto you innocent people, and for that I can offer no atonement except to leave now."
Turning to leave, Makoto grabbed my cloak and said "We understand the iron rule you have been operating under. No one here expects you to be superhuman! You can cry and have feelings!" I knew she was right, but my mind stubbornly clung to my father's words "Men don't cry!"
Hotaru hesitantly stepped towards me and said "Let me heal your hand..." Realizing that this was the friend Chibi-Usa had spoken of earlier, in my heart I wanted her to heal my hand, but I stopped just short of letting her do it. Seeing my reluctance, she sadly stepped away and took her place at Setsuna's side.
"Let go of the hold your father has on your soul. Stay with us and let us help you find peace!" Setsuna pleaded.
"I have been living under his rule far too long, dear Setsuna. I fear it may be too late for me now. Please forgive me..."
With that said, I staggered out of the temple and hid in some bushes. I was feeling weak... I figured that the blood loss over the course of the day had finally caught up with me. But I did not care... as I was bleeding, I was also eliminating my father's influence, and that was more than enough compensation for any problems that would result. As I lay face down on the ground and looked at the crimson puddle forming near my scarred hand, my mind started to wander... I was going back to the temple of my daydream in the mall.
But then I realized I had abandoned my friends like my father had abandoned my family, and I was determined to avoid following his example. I tried to stand up and reveal my location, but I was just too weak to get up. "Makoto... Ami... Minako... Setsuna... everyone... how could I do this to you?" I spoke softly, my voice almost a whisper. I could hear Makoto, Ami and Setsuna shouting as the group searched for me, but I was already walking down the moonlit path flanked by columns while the beautiful strains of a harp being played reached my ears...
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