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Marijke Dekker
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New Moon- part one
by Tasha W. (Age: 17)
copyright 11-21-2006


Age Rating: 7 to 127

  New Moon- part one
Picture Credits:

Hey all of those people who are kindly spending their time to read this load of rubbish..lol¬.¬' Read and leave comments please! This is the long version of the story, finally finished part of it!

It was a warm afternoon, it was warm considering that it was mid-November, the leaves were still falling off of the tall trees and there was a slight breeze. Serena and Darien were in the park, Serena was talking about Rini,
“So, she is finally on her way, I'm so excited” she moved nearer to Darien, they looked at each other and smiled, but Darien's face became serious
“What's wrong ,Darien? Don't you want me to sit right next to you?” She asked, her face puzzled.
“No there is nothing wrong with me, so don't worry,” he smiled to reassure her, but then he carried on “Serena, I have been accepted at that University in America again,” Serena's face fell, Darien continued “It will be for two months, this time as I'm doing a different course. I will have to go, but I can decline the offer if you want...”
“No, Darien. I want you to go. You didn't get the chance last time and if it's only two months, then you'll be home in time for Rini. About the enemy, we will be fine, I mean we have only seen it a couple of times and it's nothing to worry about.” Serena wasn't facing him, she couldn't, her eyes were stinging with tears. Two days later and Darien has left,
“I didn't know that it was that soon, I thought that he was going in a month or so, not just two days” Tears were running down her face, she did let Darien see that she was crying too, she left the airport and the two long months began.

Serena thought it was best to tell the girls and so she did:
“....He only told me two days ago,” Serena was crying again and the others comforted her, telling her Darien will be OK. “I'm fine now, thanks you guys” But she wasn't and it was a lie she tried to make herself believe, but unfortunately she couldn't believe that. She walked out of the café smiling, as soon as she left and was out of the sight of the girls, she started to cry.
“Do you think that she will be okay?” Lita asked, the others said, that she may be worried about anything happening like it did last time. They left her alone, as they decided that it would be best.

The enemy hadn't shown for a while, and the girls thought that the enemy had gone and the two or three that they had seen were one-off's.
“It's weird, isn't it? I mean normally an enemy shows up almost everyday, but this one is a lot stranger,” Amara was discussing this with the other outers. The other three agreed with her.

Serena was laying on her bed, looking at a picture of her and Darien,
“Not long now, until you come home is it? I'm looking forward to seeing you face again...” Serena was interrupted by Raye ringing her, telling her that the enemy had once again shown up! Serena said that she would be there in a few minutes.

When Sailor Moon arrived, Sailor Mars said that it had taken her long enough and the two started to argue. The enemy laughed at them,
“So you are the Sailor brats that killed my brother, I will make sure that you pay for what you did! You disgraced our family and you are going to pay!” With that, he lashed out at the scouts, he knocked them all down. Sailor Moon quickly got up but way attacked again, a rose intercepted the next attack that was for Sailor Moon. The enemy was furious with him and went for him, Sailor Moon shouted for him to move, it was too late, Sailor Moon got in the way. The enemy created a wound on the upper half of her left leg. She screamed out in pain and fainted.

Serena, woke up and found herself being held by Darien. Once realizing where she was, she tried to get up and with a grunt, she hauled herself up. Once she had caught her balance, she started to walk away, when Darien asked
“Where are you going Serena? That wound on your leg won't get any better if you don't let it heal!” Darien's face had a look of concern on it. Regardless Serena carried on walking, she stopped and said “I'm going home, is that OK?” Every one was shocked by the coldness in Serena's voice and the fact that she had shown no happiness when she saw Darien. She carried on walking, with a slight limp on her left leg and the wound, still bleeding, the blood running down her leg.

The next day finally arrives, Serena slowly wakes up like usual, and notices that her leg hurts, it is no longer bleeding but it is still very painful. Serena still has a limp and she tried hiding it when she came down for breakfast so that no one would notice. Whilst eating her breakfast, Serena's attention was draw back to the previous night, she had not said a single thing to Darien which made her feel slightly guilty, but she told herself that she was in pain and wasn't thinking straight. She decided to pay Darien a visit later, but she never got round to it. The next few days go by and Serena hasn't seen Darien, never mind apologizing to him. She has noticed that she has not been feeling well lately and blames it on the flu that is going around her school. More days go by and Serena notices that sometimes she finds it hard to breathe, she thinks that it is normal as it's cold outside, she was trying to block the truth.

Physical activities is a really big thing for her now as her breathing is getting worse. Raye, one day, had finished school early and thought that it would be a good idea to pay Serena's school a visit. It is PE and each of the girls are doing different activities. Serena told the teachers that she was not well enough to do PE, but the teachers were having none of it, they were tired of Serena's constant excuses and said that she had to do PE. Now, all that was left was the running, Serena was dreading it but she wanted to do it at the same time, she wanted to test her limits. Raye came in and almost everyone had finished, all of the girls except Serena, had finished and they waited for her.

When she had eventually finished she flung her tired body onto the bench, her head looking at the floor as she was struggling to breathe,
“Why am I like this? Why do I find everything so tiring?” She was thinking out loud but Raye took this opportunity to tease her,
“Serena, you get tired from sitting down you are that lazy! I mean why would Darien like you, as you are totally unfit...” Raye was broken off in mid-sentence, Serena had shot up from the bench, her head still hanging down, she spoke with and angered cold voice:
“What has it got to do with you? Really, you think your so good, so talented, but I'll tell you something, never say things that you have no idea about, I have my reason for being tired and I tell you what, I am tired of being friend with some one like you!” Her eyes stinging with tears, she ran out of the vastly crowded gym, every one watched in shock, including Raye who was stuck for words. Serena ran with difficulty all the way home, luckily for her, no one was in, not even Luna. Serena went straight to her bed, sat there letting the tears come eventually she passed out.

Serena was dreaming a strange dream that she had been having for the last couple of weeks and each were the same. She would dream that, the scouts were fighting this woman, Serena had never seen the face before. The woman seemed to be laughing at them and they continued, the woman worn some sort of scarf and all you could see were her eyes. One of the scouts knocked her down and the scarf was removed. Leaving a clear of who's face it was, it was Serena's!

Yeah, so please tell me what you think,
Tasha ^^




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Comments on this Article/Poem:
Click on the commenter's name to see their Author's Page

10-22-2008 Alexandra Spencer    

Wow, brilliant beginning, and it gets more intresting as you read on, I am so going to keep on reading the other chapters. :) Can't wait.


06-02-2007 Jordan Screws    

This seems to be a promising beginning. Others have covered most of the criticisms and praise, but allow me to add my two cents' worth anyway. I liked how you made Serena a bit more mature since Darien left... one of the things that attracted me to Sailor Moon in the first place was that the female characters did not have to cling to a male to be effective and productive people. Another thing about Serena was her explosive reaction to Raye's harassment: everyone has their breaking point, some people having higher tolerance that others, but when the patience snaps it is a sight to behold. Giving Serena that sort of emotional depth beyond a crybaby and a klutz is refreshing.

Like Leigh said, a major gripe is the spelling and grammar. Some parts are written in a faulty past tense ("The woman was wearing some sort of scarf..." instead of "The woman worn some sort of scarf...") and another section has an error in possession ("Leaving a clear of whose face it was" is the right way). Also in the same sentence, it seems you neglected to add the word idea or something similar. These types of mistakes are easily remedied when they are pointed out and do not detract too much from the work as a whole. Other than grammar, I could find nothing that has not already been covered.

Overall, good work with this. It seems I was late in reading it, but I tried to give good advice anyway. If you follow up on the suggestions you have been given, this would be a better work. As it stands, this is a fairly solid introduction to what seems to be a promising tale. Keep up the good work!


12-19-2006 Alma H.    

This was really good. I mean, it was mature, like it sound more like Sailor Stars, where everyone was very serious. That's my favorite season. Anyway, there were a few grammar problems and a few spelling mistakes, like there would be a letter missing or a word would sound better if it was here and there. Maybe you can look it over and see what needs what. Also, my you could make the age rating up to 10 because there was a few areas like blood was talked of, might not be good for 7-9 years olds. Well, talk to you later.

~Alma H.


12-12-2006 Leigh G.    

Very nice! I'd talk about grammar and spelling before storyline and how I liked this piece, but Mehrina had taken care of her duty as a Commenting Crusader. She's the spelling/grammar checker, and I'm the story line and presentation wise guy! You did a good job with this, it flowed nicely and is not rubbish! This is a very good idea and another take on Sailor Moon. If you want more inspiration for SM fan fiction, if you don't have it all on DVD Mr. Betts is downloading the first two seasons! Want to know something interesting? I'm listening to stuff on the planets on the Science Channel now...anyway! Your descriptions and the like are very good here, but you need to describe your enemies a bit more along with the surroundings. Eh, maybe Serena should disinfect that cut though? Anyway, like I was saying. Character descriptions are very important, say how they look and dress is best. It's also good to add things like: "They stood defiantly against the enemy in the abandoned down-town city street..." Since Japan, especially Tokyo, is so populated there's always people walking around the streets. Anyways, I'd best be going! I'd read the next chapter...but I have school tomorrow and I want to work on my new story/book Flights of Fantasy! No relation to Zarathustra... Anyway, great work, keep writing!

Your friend,
Leigh of the Commenting Crusaders


12-03-2006 Mehrina B.    

T'is quite all right, Rich. Just call me Meh! It's a lot easier to spell! ^0^


11-22-2006 Richard Reed Jr    

****Of course I meant to spell it Mehrina!
Sorry Meh!.




Rich


11-22-2006 Richard Reed Jr    

Hi Tasha,

Excellent beginning!

I agree with nehrina, you need to relate your story in a more active manner, past tense or past perfect tense is much too passive. I as a reader would like to see it unfolding before my eyes and participating in the action as I am reading.

I agree with Leigh, I think characters should be developed enough so that the reader can love them, hate them feel sorry for them dependiing on the circumsstance. Give them more dialogue
and let the reader see their inner motives annd personalities as they do whatever they are doing.

I'm not a good story writer, buut I hope this helps.

BBFE,

Rich


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