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Not bad at all! Personally, I find the stars to be a very nostalgic topic. So many of them could be the sun to other worlds, you know? The poem is on the short side, but you described the sun, moon, and stars very well. :) I like the third paragraph the best. Solid structure and good flow, I'm glad you're submitting so often! PnP needs more well-balances authors like you. Good work, and keep it coming!
Thank you for your input. Yes, I did do a variation on the Haiku that I thought I had heard about in my English class in HS some years ago. My teacher said very, very few people can pull off that method or even attempt it.
Thank you for saying that it was clear and gentle. I wanted to be as clear as possible with this form, as it is a rather hard one to do.
This was interesting in that it is really a modified form of Haiku. Haiku, as I'm sure you know, is a very elegant, traditional form of Japanese verse that requires each poem to have 3 lines, a total of 17 syllables, with 5 syllables being in the 1st line, 7 in the 2nd line, and 5 in the 3rd line. And as you have done, it is unrhymed. This piece doesn't seem to have the allusions that are found in Haiku. You do deal with a natural subject, primarily the sun, but the last two stanzas are devoted to the stars. The entire piece might have obtained more significance if it had gone from one element in nature to the next and so on, until we finally arrived at the ending. The write, as it is, is nicely done. The images are clear and gentle. It does have a quality of softness about it, that I suspect is deliberate on your part. Technically, except to point our what I have, it is a good write. I enjoyed reading your presentation. Thank you, and please write more!
Welcome !
