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“My Sanctuary”
“Where my fears”
“Where my lies”
“Melt away”
When I wake up, I always ask, “What was my dream?”
Why?
Because Dreamland is a land unlike any other. A land that can be molded into whatever you want, need. You can’t do that to Earth, unfortunately. Look at our world these days! Death, hunger, poverty, despair, plague, illness, suffering, drought, flood, storm, fire, dishonesty, cruelty, torturing, hurt, fighting, wars, guns, blood, horror, terror, bombs, tears, scars, rips, breaks, threats, conspiracies, humiliation, and so on and so on and so on. The list stretches as long as the entire history of mankind! I’m not stupid enough to actually try and list them all!
I’ve always thought that the biggest mistake in fate was humanity. Some tens of thousands of years ago, the world was perfect! Life flourished, without any rude interference with the way it was all meant to be. But then came along humans, and crash went the shining future for the Earth. It’s been, what, five thousand years since the first civilized, well, civilization. Five thousand years, people! That’s pretty long! What have we accomplished in this allotted time? Absolutely nothing besides killing, killing, killing, violence, killing, violence, violence, killing, oh and a little more violence.
…
See what I mean? We’ve only had five thousand years, and already we’re plunging headfirst into self-destruction with our horrible, detestable, vile ways.
Look at the animals of the planet in comparison. Now, it has been at least 3.8 billion years since the first bacteria were thought to come into existence, and at least 543 million years since reptiles and such came about. That’s a *heck* of a long time, millions upon millions times longer than humanity. I think that bacteria and reptiles and animals… overall, they’ve done a much better job than us humans in just about everything. Sure, we have intelligence that’s way beyond their capabilities, but tell me you pro-humans out there, what have we actually done with that intelligence? What have we used this ultimate gift to accomplish? How much of it has been used to better life for all of Earth, not just for our selfish wants? And let’s not forget that it’s because of that confounded intelligence that the world is in the pathetic state it is in the first place!
Besides, who are we to prioritize everything by intelligence? We say that we’re better because of what our minds can do… well, if you look at it, fish probably think they’re better because they can swim better. Cheetahs probably think they’re better because they can royally kick our posteriors in a race. Heck, even butterflies should think they’re better because they can actually go through generations of lives peacefully and without killing anybody. In fact, they actually help bring about new lives, and not destroy them! They don’t think that life should be unnecessarily cruel and torturous! They go through their lives happily and don’t have to worry about things like whether their offspring are going to get murdered halfway across the world just because a bigger butterfly wants them to! Intelligence is our unique ability; swimming is a fish’s ability; flying is a bird’s ability; speed is a cheetah’s ability. We were only gifted with this one ability that could affect others in either a good or bad way. Guess what? Humanity chose the bad way…
Well, it’s like I always say, “Humanity rhymes with stupidity.”
No, this world is far from a place to rest and be in peace. It’s but a cacophony of all the bad things in life, and I’m very ashamed to say that it’s because of my fellow humans this is so. Things could have been so much better! So much more beautiful, so much less chaotic and cruel! We could have used our technology to save those poor extinct creatures! We could have used our intelligence to make sure that at least our own species was all safe and happy! We could have used our so-called “advanced society” to make sure that we were at least making a positive way into the future, making sure that the future isn’t going to be something we have to be afraid of!
It angers me so much that humans could have been so stupid as to bring about today’s problems. Nearly all of them are self-inflicted.
Heavens! I can say that I hate humankind and be completely justified for it! And I do!
This is why I do not wish to spend all my life dwelling in this world, with the way things are going on. I used to love going to sleep, because in sleep, I did not have to worry about reality. Reality was too harsh to face 24/7. In my sleep, my mind with all of its worries and wants could slip away. I would be left completely alone, free to just live and not suffer. Dreams were even better! I used to get lots of dreams. In my dreams, anything I wanted to happen, happened. Anything I didn’t want, I faced, but overcame. And that’s what I liked most: my dreams taught me how to face many of the things I do nowadays.
I would like to add that it’s because of reality and mankind’s vicious, dumb ways that I can no longer sleep or dream as well as I used to. A guy just happened to throw a huge rock on my head, and the sleep center of my brain was damaged. Charming, huh? Now I can’t even escape to sleep! The best I can do is lay for hours in my bed, and endlessly wish for sleep to come. Which, if you don’t know, doesn’t do much…
So now what? The haven of my dreams are gone. I don’t get much dreams these days, well, nights. And when I do, they’re always these horrifying nightmares. And my sleep is always troubled; I usually go to sleep at around one in the morning and wake up at five, and I always wake up at least once in between. Peaceful sleep for me no more! I think it’s only because my body is so exhausted that it goes to sleep at all. If I still had good health, I probably would never go to sleep anyway.
So then, I took refuge in what I have always done so: my mind. Nearly all of my waking hours are spent thinking; whether on books, stories, or any random thing my mind treats as most important at the moment. See, my head is a really weird thing! It multi-tasks so much, it’s not even funny! I pay attention in class, I pay attention to whatever someone is saying to me, I pay attention to what’s going on around me, and all this while, I’m thinking. I could be arguing my lungs out with someone at lunchtime over whether or not life on Mars is possible, while at the same time, I’m thinking, “The ending to the Andromeda Strain was so horrible! I mean, come on! What good is a viral threat that could destroy all of mankind if all the thing has to do is mutate to a harmless form!” or something random like that.
But now, even that’s out of question! My health has been suffering so badly lately that I cannot use my head like I used to. I was so clear-minded, so lucid. Now, my head literally feels like a chunk of stone, with a perpetual ache that annoys me straight to Hades! I detest going to school in this condition! How can I learn if I can’t even think straight? Besides, gym class is nothing but *torture*. And I’ve got the laziest doctor who must have forged her certification somehow. It’s been nearly a year since I first went to her with serious concerns for my health, and the best she’s done is told me to gargle with hot water and salt and glare at me over her coffee cup. No, I am not exaggerating.
What to do? Every day, I grow weaker. Every day, I grow more tired. Every day, I feel like life isn’t worth living anymore. All I have are fears and worries. God, what’s the point of living if all you can do is lie down in bed, with a couple hundred medications lined up neatly on your desk, and try to make yourself feel better by telling yourself that at least you’re not being hooked up to dialysis? I never wanted to live like that. I wanted to have something going for me, a future to look up to. Sheesh, it’s hard work just for me to look up now, sometimes even literally!
Well, I have but one refuge left: friends. Not just any old friends, but special, true friends, those who actually care about me. My friends at school… they have their own worries about their grades and such. They prefer to completely ignore what I really need: assurance. Sure, we talk. Sure, we laugh. But when I try to say something about what I need, it’s a completely different story. They turn hostile, or they ignore me.
I often like to talk to my teachers. I suppose it’s because I find students at my school so different from me. We may be on the same book, but we’re definitely not on the same page, never mind the same chapter. Besides, I think I’m the youngest student in my grade level. One year too young, ah well… it’s not that I don’t like it (being unique is something special to me) but when you’re different, you don’t fit in. Duh, I can almost hear you say. But it’s painful. It’s like I’m suddenly a leper or something! It’s so hard for me to go through a single day of school. I’m ready to break when the weekend comes, and it’s torture to go back. I can’t wait until I’m out of school and can just get away from society. I’d rather don a leopard skin, grab a club, and live out in the jungle rather than stay amidst all the morons that judge me by what the scale says when I step on it! Besides, I’m about twenty pounds underweight. People say to me, “You’re so lucky! You’re so thin!”
*GRRR*
It’s really not something I like. In fact, I would much rather prefer being a healthy person rather than the sick, weak little twig I’ve become. I don’t get it, I really don’t. I consume so much fruit and vegetables and bread each day, it’s not even funny! And the vitamins and everything too! But STILL I don’t get any better! I don’t even gain any weight at least! I need weight, I really do. I don’t think it’s funny that a first grader can pick me up and toss me in the air, I really don’t. Besides, I'm always so cold these days. Right now, the room temperature is 78 degrees Fahrenheit, and I’m wearing huge sweatpants, an enormous, thick T-shirt, a large sweatshirt over that, a thick pair of argyle socks, and snow shoes over that. Extremely odd attire, I know. But it keeps me warm, and that’s all I care about. Did I mention that I have my own mini heater blasting away at top temperature?
*Sigh*. My health condition is really rather sad. Many people don’t see it because I’m always laughing, always cheerful, always so heartened, always arguing away at some important scientific or philosophical asset. Did I mention that I have a huge reputation at school for the lamest jokes in existence? Or at least, that’s what my good, jolly principal says! The other teachers, they like them well enough. Which is a relief, now that I look at it. I don’t think I’d really like a reputation for extremely lame jokes. Funny jokes are much better.
But it’s all a mask. I amend that; it’s not really a mask, because it is a genuine part of my personality. But it covers up the rest. Would those people know that I feel like crying every night just because I’m so **** tired! That my head starts pounding like Hades whenever I overexert myself? May I add that overexerting for me means something like climbing down the stairs? Or that I get so dizzy that I literally can’t see anything and all my limbs turn to water and I collapse faster than I would on a pogo-stick? Or that I think I may have a stomach ulcer or something because my stomach kills me 24/7!
Well, fear not Meh. Every rose grows through the mud, or so they say. Well, frankly, I think I must be stuck in the Artic permafrost, because I’m not growing any better; quite the opposite. Maybe I was planted upside down? O.o
You know what? Maybe this was the way things were meant to be for me. Or maybe it’s just one obstacle I will overcome. Maybe my dreams will come true. I’m the kind of person who always aims for that, no matter how horrible things might get. But something tells me… I’ve got a long wait until Dreamland manifests. I do believe that if I work hard enough, then my dreams will come true, but I'm losing faith fast...
There’s one thing left that gives me the strength to take that vitamin, go to bed, wake up in the morning (if I went to sleep at all, that is), and face another long, arduous day at school. Well, two things, really. My best friends, Leigh and Jordan. No matter what, they’ve always been there for me. I truly feel like I can go to them and complain about how much I hate myself for what I am, and feel as though they do not regard me with exasperation, but concern. They don’t push me away when I ask for help; rather, they go out of their own way to make sure I laugh, and keep rebuilding my strength. Words truly can’t describe how much they mean to me.
Leigh, you’ve always made sure I would eat and sleep like I should be. In fact, the only person who does that as well is my mother, and she even has the obvious advantage of being here in front of me rather than through a computer screen. And you’ve always been such a great friend! Always, you keep propelling me forward even though you yourself probably didn’t have such a great day. I’m eternally grateful; words fail me. You’ve always challenged me to keep my wits, and I probably would have lost every single one of them long ago had I not met you. Besides, those books of yours keep me thinking all through my waking hours. I can never wait until the next Flights of Fantasy update, and I’m already dying to read the final chapter of Past Alive! I don’t even know how I’ll survive when you start Past Incarnation, because you just know that I’m going to be pining every day for another update! Plus, I’m also getting very curious about how those spongy circus peanuts really taste like. You’re sure they’re not furry, right? O_O
Jordan, I think you’re probably the funniest person alive. Also, the smartest. I’m usually laughing my head off whenever you start up those Random Shouting Activations, and the Ninja Squirrels have become a classic! And it’s so fun to debate over completely random things, like Sumo Wrestler Sailor Scouts! You remember those? I recall our reactions to that fateful night when I saw a picture over the Internet… oh, the horror! And your eloquence and academic skills really are amazing! Plus, you always seem to have something up your sleeve for a really hilarious talk, like (dare I say it) Makoto’s choice of, um, beach wear. I also seem to remember how much Leigh and I used to pick on you for your 22-timing ways! Or was it 25? Someday, we’ll really have to count them all!
In short, my two best friends have provided for me a way to get through my life. I always look forward to when I can talk to them, because in truth, I don’t know how I would have gotten through those days gone past without them. My sanctuary is found here, with Leigh, Jordan, and the occasional Ninja Squirrel. When I talk to them, fears and lies really do melt away, and the great, burning star of what used to be me comes alive again. It's the greatest feeling in the world, I swear it. It's like all the pain I've ever felt is so far away, and I don't have to worry about anything other than whether or not my gut will bust because I'm laughing so hard! For that, I thank you two with my life.
~*Arigato gozaimasu!*~
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