Breaking the Barriers
by
Haley R.
(Age: 14)
copyright 03-26-2007
Age Rating: 10 to 127
**Note: I don't like this poem, anymore. I'm angry at myself for posting this, because when I'm angry I post things that I don't mean...Anyway, go ahead and read this, but I'm warning you now.
THIS POEM IS NOTHING LIKE WHAT I WRITE!
You make me come crashing down.
You think you know me,
But you don’t.
I want to forget you.
I want you to see,
I secretly hate you,
And no one cares about me.
You think I’m quiet,
But behind these innocent, little eyes
I’m secretly plotting
And making up lies.
(To say to you…)
I used to do nothing,
But now I want you to see
I secretly hate you
And now I’m breaking free.
Your gonna wake up one morning and realize
That secret sensation that happens when you meet my eyes,
Is not a sign of love, but hate and a secret want to watch you suffer.
Be afraid of my flames of hate.
They’re are gonna find you and destroy
Your very soul.
I’m not gonna hurt you (I wish),
But I’ll make you see,
I secretly hate you
And now I’m gonna show how mean I can be.
I used to handle this maturely, But now
It comes and goes, comes and goes…
I’m gonna break the barriers.
I’m gonna break the rules.
I’m breaking free.
Baby, it’s payback time…
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Haley, this isn't like you at all! You *hate* dark poems! And this is beyond dark; it's murderous! May I ask who this is directed towards?
Very, very emotional. You wrote an exceptional poem; some of the phrases just blew me off! "I'm secretley plotting and making up lies to say to you". And the last two lines were bone-chilling, aye. This really doesn't sound like you at all. What's been happening? You know I'm only a phone/e-mail away. I'm always around if ever you need to talk to someone!
Onto spelling/grammar. As Leigh pointed out, I shall cover the hard part!
"Your gonna wake up one morning..." Your should be you're.
"They're are gonna find you and destroy" It can be either they're gonna, or they are gonna; you take your pick!
"Is not a sign of love, but hate and a secret want to watch you suffer" The last part, about the secret, sorta sounds awkward. Clarify, svp
"I used to handle this maturely, But now" But should not be capitalized.
I was quite surprised by the passion you showed in this. I never knew this kind of hatred to be in your nature. I wish we were still in the same school. Maybe then, you would still be writing happy poems. :( School was never the same without you, old pal.
Wow very very emotional. You sound like you really want to kill someone. Then again it reminds me of what I think about my X best friends and how they betrayed me when I needed them most. Especially now that they are popular and think they're cool. It sounded very good.
Good work! I plan on entering Sam's contest too, with some crazy-(notes age-rating before saying my favorite A word) fantasy that takes place in another world, probably will mutate into a book, will end up being a few hundred pages... Anyway, I spotted the one line you used...but weren't we supposed to use all of them? That's what the contest said... Anyway, I quite liked this piece with the idea of secret and hidden hate! I've submitted a poem you might like recently, Imaginary Light. Anyway, I couldn't find any typos or grammar/spelling errors! Although that is Meh's business I know the basics...:) I'm an expect of punctuation, capitalization, and finishing sentences! But Meh is slowly changing that...and reminding me the differences between homophones I learned and promptly forgot about back in third grade... Anyway, great work, keep writing! Your choice of words is awesome, and it's great to have you back!
Welcome !
