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On Line
Richard Reed Jr
Everett (dale) Pogue
Walter Jones
Frank Fields
June Nazarian
5 Writers

Christian Lütjen
Helga Seveguer
Karen Jones
Brittany B.
4 Free Members

9 Members
51 Guests

Marbles In The Sand
by Frank Fields
copyright 05-15-2007
Contest Winner


Age Rating: 7 to 127

 
Hear them clinking in my pockets
Or in my leather bag
The marbles that I've won
While in a truly magic ring

See them coming now
My friends and foes
So slow they walk
As though were nothing

The sun shines bright
The wind plays in our hair
Carrying clinking sounds
Of marbles in the sand

Not a voice nor other sound
Deadly serious business this
See your opponents with their
Clinking treasure to be yours

Each brings out to be beheld
The treasured treasures bright
Sunlight caught and spun
From off each one

A little gasp just barely heard
To see the beauty of round crystals
With stripes and some of solid
But all of grand design

Each one different
Rainbow crystals every one
Golden hued like tiny suns
Offered out for all to see

The circle drawn careful here
Each eye watching no mistakes
Silence all around when 'tis done
Almost ready every one

To be the victor for today
Claiming full-won prizes from
All the rest leaving them with
Only silent pockets returning home

Ready now, how shall be done
Toss the coin or rock
Cover with paper to be cut
With winning scissor snips

The starter known all offer
Equal treasure unto the sand
Within the sandy circle which
Awaits the starting crystal

But, oh, what's this do you see
A steely weapon made not of crystal
And larger than the rest for sure
To win the marbles in the sand

Perfect round with its own hard
Shiny beauty not soft like tiny suns
But can be used oh yes this long
Agreed as fair among all who seek

Golden treasures in the sand
On hands and knees now at the ready
Surely outside the circle lest
Foul be claimed and turn is lost

Take careful aim with steely weapon
First shot made and oh again as
Monster steely in delight claims a
Prize or two for leather pouch

Again, it's on its way to find
Another treasure target to spin
Outside the ring as each one must
For even here they make some rules

And so it goes until the final hunger
Of dreaded steely is full met with
Final sun shot out beyond the circle
My leather pouch is now so full

All the treasures won
The victorious steely back
Into its own leather pouch
Payment for a job well done

Sadness gone at temporary loss
Young spirits high for tomorrow
They'll return again to win or lose
Marbles in the sand.


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Comments on this Article/Poem:
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08-16-2007 Richard Reed Jr    

Excellent piece of imagery. I can almost go back to the times I squatted on my hands and knees and aimed carefully.
Wonderful pictures floated through my mind with a touch of nostalgia as I read this.

Ahh the good old days! I can almost smell them as an intoxicating perfume.

Great work. Thanks for honoring my contest with this poem.

"Each one different
Rainbow crystals every one
Golden hued like tiny suns
Offered out for all to see"

My favorite lines.

Take care, my friend,

~Rich



06-13-2007 Walter Jones    

Places keep us warm, a reference to images and players in voice, a masters touch, spirit comes and visits the mind, use of triggers to expand the knowledge, very clever, well crafted, enjoyed.. Walt


05-30-2007 Frank Fields    

Thank you, Mehrina, for this excellent critique.

Admittedly, throughout there are many incomplete sentences, and probably some other technically imperfect applications of the language. This piece would have lost its cryptic mystique and would not have elevated a simple game of marbles to anything beyond that if I had treated this as a prose presentation.

On your observations:

"As though were nothing," is a direct reference to the players approaching the contest area in a nonchalant way as though were nothing. Young boys, as it were, showing their worldly manner and sophistication. The "it" is understood. Incomplete sentence? Admittedly. Poetic license? Most assuredly. ^^

"Clinking treasures to be yours." The marbles are making that sound as they clink against each other. "To be yours" is a meditative phrase contrasting "mine" and "their." The meaning is understood to be referring to the character. And here, I claim poetic license to deviate slightly from what otherwise would have been dull and boring.

"Each eye watching no mistakes," is a direct poetic allusion to the intensity of the game and each player guarding that everything is done by the rules. Here again, an incomplete sentence. But, if it had not been, the mystique would have been destroyed.

The "it's." Thank you. I did go back in to correct those to show possessive case. I always have had a problem with those pesky critters-- when to show a contraction and when to show an ownership.

The entire work was not presented as a prose entry as would have been a story, or some other work requiring mechanical precision of the language and its usage.

It holds its own as being a reasonably good, metaphoric, free verse write. My opinion. ^^

Again, thank you for the read and the comments. They are always appreciated. ^_^

Frank

Member of


05-30-2007 Mehrina B.    

Wow, very interesting! I never thought of those marble matches as wars. I remember we used to play marbles in Pakistan all the time, except we're all so poor back there that we don't have marbles, so we just use random round things. XD

I agree, there was a compelling voice in this; the way the sentences were arranged did make the poem sound mystical and ominous. "Delighful cryptic verse" is an apt description! I'm impressed with the way you wrote this. It captured my attention and it made me wonder a lot as I went through the poem.

There were some spelling and grammar mistakes, though!

"As though *we're* nothing"
"Clinking treasure*,* to be yours"
"Each eye watching no mistakes" -bit confusing meaning*
"Again, it's on *its* way to find"
"Into *its* own leather pouch"

There were a couple more places I could point out, but those are really more of a style thing. I suggest you use more commas and punctuation to add emphasis. Other than that, you wrote a really wonderful poem! Keep up the great work!


05-16-2007 Leigh G.    

Interesting...I approve. :) While I was reading, I was planning my comment in the back of my mind, but now I realize that I had already made a judgment about the poem in the start where it appeared only to be a strange comparison on life with vivid descriptions, but my opinion changed when I reached the end of the poem. Like I mentioned briefly, your descriptions in this piece were very inversive and helped build up to the ending, which was surprisingly meaningful and unexpected. Good work, I liked this piece! Hmm, I don't check your page for two days and I'm kept busy. :p Good work, keep writing.


Leigh of the Commenting Community


05-16-2007 Riona Evers    

Ahh, a competition of marbles is it? Indeed, this piece arouses memories of the past. Perhaps a game of ringer? I agree with mr. Thomas' interpretation of the poem as well; "sometimes we win, sometimes we lose." Untill now, I've never noticed the beauty of marbles; they were only play things, so far as i was concerned. However, your words enlightened the exquisiteness of the glass spheres. Its colors, curves and designs are grandeur to observe.

Thank you for another great symphony of words, William ^^


05-16-2007 Wayne Thomas    

Shades of my childhood! I lost more marbles than you can count, but I still have a sack somewhere. Delightful cryptic free verse and a metaphor of life as well: sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. Whatever, pick up what's left and move on. Did I get it right? Most interesting and compelling verse.


05-15-2007 Samantha P.    

This poem was so fascinating yet strange. Your words where so descriptive and they flowed together in an akward sense.
This poem is so original because its not everyday you hear about one talking about marbles or writing about them.
It was marvelous how you describe intensity and loss but also the marbles themselves. I myself am fascinated with crystals and think theyre so beautiful so at the beginning it didnt catch my eye, but then i read about how you described everythign and fell in love.
This was a beautiful poem and it just made me want to go unlock my own personal case of marbles and find sum1 that will play marbles with me.
Well loved the poem good work and yaya im the first comment i think....


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