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01-29-2010
Walter Jones
Frank today I read this different, my pockets filled with coins, my heart empty, the boys of summer gone, most resting in offices high, looking over meaning less accomplishments, each wishing for that steely, me still just looking for the correct string of words, thank you for this smile, Walt
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08-16-2007
Richard Reed Jr
Excellent piece of imagery. I can almost go back to the times I squatted on my hands and knees and aimed carefully.
Wonderful pictures floated through my mind with a touch of nostalgia as I read this.
Ahh the good old days! I can almost smell them as an intoxicating perfume.
Great work. Thanks for honoring my contest with this poem.
"Each one different
Rainbow crystals every one
Golden hued like tiny suns
Offered out for all to see"
My favorite lines.
Take care, my friend,
~Rich
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06-13-2007
Walter Jones
Places keep us warm, a reference to images and players in voice, a masters touch, spirit comes and visits the mind, use of triggers to expand the knowledge, very clever, well crafted, enjoyed.. Walt
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05-30-2007
Frank Fields
Thank you, Mehrina, for this excellent critique.
Admittedly, throughout there are many incomplete sentences, and probably some other technically imperfect applications of the language. This piece would have lost its cryptic mystique and would not have elevated a simple game of marbles to anything beyond that if I had treated this as a prose presentation.
On your observations:
"As though were nothing," is a direct reference to the players approaching the contest area in a nonchalant way as though were nothing. Young boys, as it were, showing their worldly manner and sophistication. The "it" is understood. Incomplete sentence? Admittedly. Poetic license? Most assuredly. ^^
"Clinking treasures to be yours." The marbles are making that sound as they clink against each other. "To be yours" is a meditative phrase contrasting "mine" and "their." The meaning is understood to be referring to the character. And here, I claim poetic license to deviate slightly from what otherwise would have been dull and boring.
"Each eye watching no mistakes," is a direct poetic allusion to the intensity of the game and each player guarding that everything is done by the rules. Here again, an incomplete sentence. But, if it had not been, the mystique would have been destroyed.
The "it's." Thank you. I did go back in to correct those to show possessive case. I always have had a problem with those pesky critters-- when to show a contraction and when to show an ownership.
The entire work was not presented as a prose entry as would have been a story, or some other work requiring mechanical precision of the language and its usage.
It holds its own as being a reasonably good, metaphoric, free verse write. My opinion. ^^
Again, thank you for the read and the comments. They are always appreciated. ^_^
Frank
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05-30-2007
Mehrina Butt
Wow, very interesting! I never thought of those marble matches as wars. I remember we used to play marbles in Pakistan all the time, except we're all so poor back there that we don't have marbles, so we just use random round things. XD
I agree, there was a compelling voice in this; the way the sentences were arranged did make the poem sound mystical and ominous. "Delighful cryptic verse" is an apt description! I'm impressed with the way you wrote this. It captured my attention and it made me wonder a lot as I went through the poem.
There were some spelling and grammar mistakes, though!
"As though *we're* nothing"
"Clinking treasure*,* to be yours"
"Each eye watching no mistakes" -bit confusing meaning*
"Again, it's on *its* way to find"
"Into *its* own leather pouch"
There were a couple more places I could point out, but those are really more of a style thing. I suggest you use more commas and punctuation to add emphasis. Other than that, you wrote a really wonderful poem! Keep up the great work!
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05-16-2007
Leigh Gilholm Fisher
Interesting...I approve. :) While I was reading, I was planning my comment in the back of my mind, but now I realize that I had already made a judgment about the poem in the start where it appeared only to be a strange comparison on life with vivid descriptions, but my opinion changed when I reached the end of the poem. Like I mentioned briefly, your descriptions in this piece were very inversive and helped build up to the ending, which was surprisingly meaningful and unexpected. Good work, I liked this piece! Hmm, I don't check your page for two days and I'm kept busy. :p Good work, keep writing.
Leigh of the Commenting Community
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05-16-2007
Riona Evers
Ahh, a competition of marbles is it? Indeed, this piece arouses memories of the past. Perhaps a game of ringer? I agree with mr. Thomas' interpretation of the poem as well; "sometimes we win, sometimes we lose." Untill now, I've never noticed the beauty of marbles; they were only play things, so far as i was concerned. However, your words enlightened the exquisiteness of the glass spheres. Its colors, curves and designs are grandeur to observe.
Thank you for another great symphony of words, William ^^
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05-16-2007
Wayne Thomas
Shades of my childhood! I lost more marbles than you can count, but I still have a sack somewhere. Delightful cryptic free verse and a metaphor of life as well: sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. Whatever, pick up what's left and move on. Did I get it right? Most interesting and compelling verse.
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05-15-2007
Samantha Powers
This poem was so fascinating yet strange. Your words where so descriptive and they flowed together in an akward sense.
This poem is so original because its not everyday you hear about one talking about marbles or writing about them.
It was marvelous how you describe intensity and loss but also the marbles themselves. I myself am fascinated with crystals and think theyre so beautiful so at the beginning it didnt catch my eye, but then i read about how you described everythign and fell in love.
This was a beautiful poem and it just made me want to go unlock my own personal case of marbles and find sum1 that will play marbles with me.
Well loved the poem good work and yaya im the first comment i think....
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Contest Winner
