Oddly, I think silence is worse than your fighting
Strangely, they don’t bother me anymore
I wonder why I don’t feel pulled down anymore
Before I thought the solution was simply to stay alone
But now I see a little more clearly, learning from your errors might be better
Who knows? Maybe I’m blind right now
Maybe it’s naive to think that with all the ups and downs, I’ve learned something
But I’m willing to take that risk.
And just remember to look before I leap
Perhaps this is the best thing for me, because it teaches me want I need to watch
I might of agreed a year ago when you said you were ruining my life a year ago,
But I see things differently now
I’ve been told for a few years now that I’m “beyond my years”
Who knows? Maybe they’re right
I didn’t fully understand all aspects of the things I wrote about,
But now I look back on my works and realize things that I didn’t originally
Maybe that’s common, but I don’t really know
I try not to think too highly of myself, for I don’t mean to sound arrogant,
But I also have self-confidence
I’ve been told for a few years now I’m “level-headed”
In some ways, I think they’re right
Because I’ve learned to look before I leaped,
Just by listening to you two
And that small things that cause friction,
Could end a relationship or be smoothed out without too much pain
I don’t know if I’m selfless enough to take risks like that one day,
But maybe I’ll find a way to do the things I enjoy without being selfish
I’ve got quite a few years before the things I think about become immediate problems,
And by then I might feel completely differently than I do now
In the long run, a year isn’t that long
But that year is melting into a year and a half,
And when I reflect on this poem I’ll might think to myself, “It’s been three years now”
Or, “I hardly remember feeling that way”
I’ve decided I like it when there are plans,
But I can also enjoy spur-of-the-moment things
I’m not going to go out of my way and make mistakes just not to be exactly like you
That’d be foolish, and it’d show that I haven’t really learned anything
But right now, I want to be dedicated to my feelings
I want to be dedicated to my dream,
For preliminaries to my dream have been going on in this form for five years now
Heck, I’ve been writing stories since I could talk!
I’m not going to fear the future like I did not too long ago,
Instead, I’m going to look forward to the future and accept it
I’ll do what I can to make the bad situations better,
And I’ll do my best for there to be many good situations,
Without there being problems later on because of them
Being indecisive used to scare me, but I don’t think that way anymore
Maybe because I’ve learned to be decisive
I’ve learned a lot, and I want to prove it to you that you haven’t ruined anything
Rather, you’ve made me a stronger person
So one day, I want to thank you and have proof to why my feelings have changed
Arigato,
Watashi wa wakarimasu,
So wish me luck
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Alright, I think this started out great at the beginning as a poem. But somewhere after that it lost it's sense of being a poem and began to sound more like an essay or story. Also I noticed you repeated yourself in the line, " I might of agreed a year ago when you said you were ruining my life a year ago." I think you should take "a year ago" out of the end of that line. This was a great write, but as a poem it could be better. Continue working though and don't let what I've said discourage you. You are a very good writer.
~Brittney~
A great vent,a tentative beginning for a short story, but not a true poem by the usual standards. However, all that being said, the rule in poetry now days seems to be "There are no rules." SO in light of that philosophy its okay. Some work should be done to edit the many cliches and improve grammar and remove redundancies like "I might of agreed a year ago when you said you were ruining my life a year ago..." Overall more like a letter to someone than anything else. But keep writing - that's how we all get better. Best Regards, Lyle
What a write! A deep introspection, like some of the stuff I used to do in high school. Lots of thought, but it does read rather like a textbook. A very good textbook that only needs a little color and some of those phrases, carefully chosen, that say, in effect, "Come along now and let's see what's next." Remember, all comments such as this one, contain a whale of a lot of personal opinions and needn't be taken as gospel. This is almost there; it definitely has the makings of a splendid piece. And the Japanese is a very nice touch. Really.
Yours,
Wayne
I dunno, Miss Leigh. It didn't have the usual flow of your poems. It seems more like a short story you took and forced it into a poetry form-ish. Stories don't have to go on for pages, ya know. Short stories can be as long as a single sentence. I think maybe a switch in style is needed. Because honestly, like I said earlier, it just isn't like your usual poems.
A good place to vent, though. And yes, what may seem like Hell now, you'll one day look back at it and either laugh or cry, as it will have either changed you for the better or the worse. I think we can all look back and find an event, large or small, that has changed us in some way. Everyday something happens that changes us, but we don't realize it until something else happens that makes us reflect.
I found a small thing:
And when I reflect on this poem I’ll might think to myself, “It’s been three years now”
Try,
And when I reflect on this poem I might think to myself, “It’s been three years now”
I have to agree with Mehrina--this is more narrative verse than anything else, but even so, it reaches out, in a poetic way, to allow us to see a somewhat veiled journey of self-realization, including past efforts, current undertakings, and future projects. I would like to have seen a little bit more texture, and when emotional elements were introduced, I would like to have seen them done so a little bit more strongly for their impact value by comparison with their environment. For the subject, it seemed almost too smooth, without dramatic peaks and valleys. Now let me put my "pen" away and offer these thoughts: For precisely the reasons that you gave on your carrying us with you through your walk of life, the work might have been damaged if you had introduced very dramatic wordings, even sprinkled here and there. It might have been further damaged by giving it texture to the point where the content became less important than the envelope. And the envelope is just fine! ^^ It seems to have been carefully thought out, carefully presented, and carefully nurtured. So, what more to say? Thank you for allowing us to share, especially your ambitions, with us. I don't think there is any question that if publication is what you want, publication is what you'll get. My hopes....
This wasn't so much as a poem as it was a reflection, eh? As I read this, I felt that you were thinking a lot as you wrote it. Perhaps as a way to sort out thoughts?
Your words are really powerful. You seem to have a way with words; you know exactly which ones work best with what you're trying to say, and that's a great talent! There's a lot of meaning here too; of how you plan your path, and look at your experiences. This world is based on experiences, so that's good!
There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes, though!
"teaches me *what* I need to watch"
"I might *have* agreed a year ago"
"I might of agreed a year ago when you said you were ruining my life *a year ago*" *redundancy*
"understand all *the* aspects"
Other than that, you're perfect! I also commend you on your improvement with the then/than situation: "And by then I might feel completely differently than I do now". :D
I know you'll go far with your talents and your clear-headed thinking. You know I'll personally make sure that FoF and PA are published, as well as your poems! Success lies ahead of you; you just have to find it!
Follow your heart, Leigh. It'll never lead you astray!
I realize that this comment has been rambling a lot, but I'm purely ascribing my thoughts into this. And I think that this poem is great!
Welcome !
