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Dead Love Of Night

by hedwig (Age: 22)
copyright 05-19-2007


Age Rating: 7 +

He eats my surroundings when everything seems okay.
He rips me apart when I'm in no pain.
He curses me out after I tell him I love him.

I don't care if he feels okay.
I make him suffer if he's not in pain.
I tell him he's lying when I hear him say I love you.

But that was then.
Here is now.

Everything is just fine.
This night is amazing.
Everyone's smiling.


He walks into the room and all the souls disappear.
Everyone I know is falling down on the ground.

And in this moment I am terrified.
But in my heart I am so happy, happy.

Because eyes always speak for their owner.
Because nobody made me feel this good.
I always knew I'd love him.
And that was what I did.

He kills everyone's pride.
He makes everyone cry.
But he's my hero.
The kind that makes me feel alive.

I've always been a bit twisted,
but love is never disturbing.
Its always been passion with two people.
And this is what this is.

I hope this night never ends.
Everytime he arrives he never sees me again.
Everytime I arrive we play pretend,
pretend we're still in love.

And when he's gone, the souls reappear.
Everyone's knocked out, but I'm the only one that remembers.
He doesn't even know what had happened.

I remember everything.
The explanations are about to escape my lips but he's already gone
and the night was never real.






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        06-11-2007     Brittney N. Nasca        

I like this poem. It has a certain depth to it. The love of two people, yet the love is one sided. Or at least as it seems to me. It also has a very nice flow to it. I like it alot. Keep up the good work.

        05-26-2007     Frank Fields        

I have read this so many times! Each time trying to force it to reveal it's inner secret of your inspiration your motivation, and your over-all or specific meaning, if any. I can't find one! I find some veiled allusions to some metaphysical aspects. I find connotations and allusions to love/hate relationships. I find a relationship in distress, but one in which one partner is willing to endure the agonies inflicted by the other. And, equally, return that distress . I find an allusion to the dead of night, and one to the love of night. Dead love of night, however, conjures too many possibilities for me to deal with comfortably , without supporting content.

In agreement with Sam, the major meaning of this piece escapes me. In agreement with Leigh, also, and however, I can see the potential for her description of a relationship.

If your vision was to describe a tapestry of a rather tempestuous relationship that seemed to be shared equally by two people, then your write was successful. ^^ If you intended more than that, I'd need some more referents, or images, or allusions, or metaphors.

It was a little bit confusing in it's presentation, but I think that was deliberate on your part. Chaotic relationships are always confusing. I liked the passion you put into your writing. It allowed me to feel the hurts of
love. But also the joys of excluding the world.

I also appreciated the lack of grammatical errors.

Tonight, when it's nice and quiet, I'll sit down with my "tool box" and take this piece apart. Maybe. LOL

William :)

        05-21-2007     Leigh Gilholm Fisher        

Very interesting...I can see why others found this complex, and I second the idea. I grasped most of the point, and there seem to be a few layers of depth in this piece. Oh, I do think it would be a good idea to boost the age-rating though, there's no real content and I doubt there will be readers under the age of seven reading this, but you might want to make it 7+. I didn't notice any errors aside from the one Sam mentioned, but it's nothing the spell check can't fix, right? :) I love the spell checker... I've never had a relationship like this, actually I'm 13 and have only had one relationship, and the ones like this make you understand why most parents nowadays strictly forbid dating until we're sixteen, eh? Relationships that end in one person losing the feeling for the others, while the other still is in love, usually end this way. One day, we've all got to stop pretending though. Good work, keep writing.


Leigh of the Commenting Community

        05-21-2007     Sam Hackel-Butt        

Hey Caitlin,
I do admit, I was slightly confused with the poem. People falling, not remembering, souls-- it took me awhile to grasp it. I'm not sure if there's a way to simplify it, or if you can just explain it to me. [Psst... I'm slow :)]

I did find one small typo:

"He walks into the room and all the souls dissapear"
Disappear.

I think I'm going to hold off on praising this until I can understand this fully. I want to be completely fair with this. So, be sure to e-mail me ASAP! :)

-Sam
Of the CC

        05-20-2007     Wayne Thomas        

Certainly a definition of the old-fashioned adolescent hormonal rush, the fantasies, and the let-downs. Ahh, seems like yesterday! All seriousness aside, it could do with a spelling check and a good, careful edit. All in all, I liked it very much. When it gets fine-tuned, I'll come back and give it some points. Just let me know when you're ready.
Yours,
Wayne



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