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On Line
Jackie Edwards
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You Remind Me
by Steven C. (Age: 17)
copyright 10-03-2007


Age Rating: 13 to 17

 
Authors Note - This is meant to be a song/peom, so some lines and words are meant to be there, I use them for a reason




You would always be the first thing on my mind.
I would be wishing I could make you mine
Your special, one of a kind
Ay girl, you so beautiful, can't lose you to some other guy
If I do I just might die
Ay girl, you so fine, so fly
So kind, do anything to make you mine
Love you, hug you
Kiss you, Ay girl I'm not going to diss you
When you gone be sure I'm going to miss you
I'm not going to cheat you
And I'm not going to leave you and I'm defiantly not going to mistreat you
Be with you whenever you want me to
You feeling upset, would I cheer you up? You bet
I'd show you nothing but respect and that's true
I would make sure all my friends accept you
And if they don't like it they going have to deal with it
If I where to date you, I wouldn't treat you like just another girl
I'd give you so much more
I'd give you the world
I make sure you happy no matter what
I'd make sure that you aren't called a slut
Because you the best
And the only one for me
And the rest is history


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10-04-2007 Ifrath H.    

thats a really good song/poem sounds like a lucky girl if she has some one writing a song about her it's different from all the other poetry I've read sounds more modern if you know what i mean hope you write more stuff like that


10-03-2007 Brittney N. N.    

Ok. I got your e-mail and yes I did reread this. I must say it is MUCH better from the original copy. However, I think it still needs some work. The rhythm is very shaky still, making the read a bit difficult, and some of your line are to long to be a song. Also when you go to say "Ay" I understand you are saying slang for "Hey" but when you put it there you need to write it like "'Ay" to show that it's a slang word for "Hey". All in all it's still rough, but still allot better then when I first read it.
~Brttney~
PS: You spelled my name wrong in the e-mail ^_~


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Comments: 2

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