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Springing from my bed,
I scream in strained silence
in the oily black house,
nerves taut
like the strings on my guitar--
fearful for what might be,
dreading what might be
happening to my body,
happening to me.
I'm not ready to be old;
I'm less ready to die.
Out my Jersey window,
the rain swarms like fire bugs
in the light from the vague street lamp
in the slate-gray New Jersey sky.
I listen to the whine of tires
on the slick, wet roads.
I hear the rain, now,
pounding on my roof and walls,
now streaming down the window panes
like tiny flash floods.
My mind whirls from lack of sleep,
and I wonder, half-aloud,
how many sunrises do I have left?
The day sweeps by in fits and naps,
and all too soon
it's late at night, again,
alone.
I seek solace in my books of poetry
and manuscripts of my own precious poems,
caught up in my too-short life
like a fever.
I pace the floors,
wander into the bedroom,
smile down at my sleeping wife,
her face silver in the wan moonlight,
linger awhile,
and wander barefoot through
the empty house,
eating a bowl of ice cream as I go.
And I hear the wind come up,
lashing through trees and flowers,
pressing on the house itself--
the rain again, the endless rain.
Again, without sound or words,
I scream.
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