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Welcome once again to The Crazy World Of Writers, a place where you can sit down and relax with a cup of tea in your hand and let your mind wander into the unknown. A haven, (Yes! A Haven), for the over stressed, a happy place for the unhappy; an exciting place for the boring. Where do you fit in?
As the title suggests, this little number is all about food. Well, when I say food I really mean, (Other people and my food!)
As Christmas is not too far away in the future, thoughts are concentrated on buying presents. My thoughts are about the last Christmases dinner that I had, the outlaws, (OOPS!) The in-laws arrived late as usual which meant that they would overstay their welcome too.........
The sacrificial turkey was delivered the day before as I like to ensure that all the food is as fresh as can be. When the delivery man came to the door I asked him if the bird was recently slaughtered for our enjoyment.
His reply was this, "It made it's own way here sir, is that fresh enough?"
I told him that it was and wished him good tidings for the season, then I carried the recently departed bird into the kitchen.
The next day, (Christmas Day) Everyone was sitting around the table, they appeared to be in good spirits but I knew that they really hated each other, they were telling jokes to each other and laughing a bit too loudly for my liking. I always had the ability to sense false laughter and this was some of the best that I had heard.
I was standing at the kitchen doorway looking at them, they all had hunger in their eyes. I knew that they would enjoy their meal more than what I would enjoy mine as meals always taste better when they are free.
Soon we were all eating the meal that I had just made, I was quite surprised to find that things were going really well, I had expected quite the opposite.
As we ate there was plenty of small talk around the table, it dawned on me that everyone was talking about something or another except me, it was as if I were not there; they were so caught up in their own little sad lives that they did not bother to bring me into their conversations.
I began to see them in a different light.
Uncle Frank looked like a vulture preparing to devour has share of the carcass, his beady eyes followed his fork as it approached his mouth.
Aunt Mary looked quite scary, she spat out tiny pieces of carrot as she spoke to uncle Bob, (whom I might add is a greedy pig as he had almost finished eating his meal) "I wonder what we are having for pudding Bob?"
Why did she not ask me? I was sitting next to her!
Nanny Pat who refused to remove her festive hat despite being told a zillion times that it was bad manners to eat whilst wearing one, poked and prodded at her food; she looked as though she was not enjoying herself at all.
I was just about to ask Granddad Bill why he had brought two ties with him and why on earth did he change the one he was wearing, when I noticed that it had been the same one after all, it had just changed color due to the gravy that had dribbled out of his mouth onto it.
"I have got a joke for you all!" Announced Bob, he seemed to be pleased at how his loud boring voice got everyone's attention.
I felt like saying 'you ARE a big joke Bob' but managed to push the thought from my mind and said instead, "Go on then Bob, give it your best shot."
Bob continued, "There were three men, one was an Englishman, one was a Scotsman, one was a we...." Before he could Finnish, uncle Frank blurted out, "Don't start saying all those crap jokes again Bob like you did last year, we really don't want to hear them all again."
"What do you mean crap?" Said Bob.
"Oh forget it Bob." Said uncle Frank, "You know what I mean."
Bob looked unhappy now which I must admit pleased me, I had never really liked him that much anyway.
I served the pudding that was greeted with the same gratitude as the main meal, no thanks, nothing; that really annoyed me as I had spent ages in the kitchen cooking for that worthless lot.
As I bid them farewell at the door, I made a point of telling them that I was going on holiday for Christmas the next year, that meant that they would have to find another free meal from somebody else.
John Mcleod
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