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"A suddenness of tears"--line adapted from "Night Journey"
by Theodore Roethke
A suddenness of tears
wells from deep within
and stains my shirt.
They've told me,
in so many words,
that I could die from this.
...and I'm not ready.
The hospital is dim
beneath warm and modern decor.
I"m not paying much attention
to the aesthetics.
I put on one of those paper gowns
with the draft in back
and the nurses hook me up to machines
and stab me with the IV needle.
A young man in scrubs
wheels me down endless, twisting
corridors. I notice that my wife is gone,
likely to the waiting room,
where she'll read and crochet till I'm done.
We stop in front of a blue room,
then he wheels me in.
(Tears blur my vision,
and my glasses are back in the room.)
Two nurses help me onto a blue pad,
adjust my position,
and I come to at once
in the recovery room.
The doctor visits,
man behind a green mask
with flowers on his green hat.
The procedure went without a hitch.
"We'll have the results by Tuesday," he says.
Someone fetches my wife
from the waiting room,
and she holds my hand as we journey
with another young man in scrubs
down the long, cold, twisting
corridors
to the room,
where more nurses help me into bed.
I'm grateful for the light.
Several nurses run several more tests,
then everyone leaves so I can dress.
I have no conception of the time.
It's been about two hours, I learn.
My wife drives me home.
We stop for lunch along the way.
There are more tears,
not knowing,
very much caring,
dreading.
It is Friday.
On Tuesday, as promised,
the doctor calls.
"No cancer," he says,
"the biopsies were negative,
"but you do have a nasty infection.
"We'll put you on some antibiotics."
I'm delirious.
The threat of cancer had me scared witless.
Infections can be fought with pills.
It'll go away.
My spirit soars.
So much for blue rooms
and paper gowns.
There are more tears,
leaking from my strained emotions,
but this time tears of joy!
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