Unable To Feel
by
Leah G.
(Age: 15)
copyright 10-29-2007
Age Rating: 10 to 127
This moment should be perfect…
But everything seems wrong.
The people dancing near us,
The rhythm of this song.
Our bodies are pressed close,
But I can’t feel your heat.
Your hands are all around me,
But we’re so incomplete.
People stare around us,
Their icy glares go through.
You whisper in my ear,
But it seems like nothing new.
We keep dancing away.
Our fresh sweat has no smell.
I’m not under this magic.
I don’t feel it. Can’t you tell?
Your soft kiss on my cheek,
Doesn’t even change a thing.
You calmly hum the song,
And then begin to sing.
But I’m lost in the moment
Wondering why it went wrong.
I’m trying to escape,
But I’m just strung along.
Does nobody else think this?
Is this moment truly real?
Everyone is having fun,
But why can’t I feel?
I look all around me,
At the lights up above.
I can’t seem to enjoy you,
‘Cause I’m incapable of love.
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wow I don't know what to say about this poem...It's really great but I've never read anything like this. It's so indifferent, usually people write about their feelings and how they are showing, sometimes even taking over but here it shows no feeling at all. Yet it does....There's a feeling because of not feeling if that makes sense ha ha. I really enjoyed it. Thank you for introducing me to a new type of poetry =]
Just a fellow poet,
Cassie JSG
Yooooo. The lazy commenter is back. *hangs head in shame, nearly falls asleep (from lack of sleep, not boring poems or anything XD)* *drains water bottle* *examines glasses for spots* Time for work. ^-^
Okay, I got some really good flashbacks when reading this! That sounds twisted, so allow me to explain...there's a song from Xenosaga Episode I by Joanne Hogg (her band is Iona, search that if you're interested) and the song focuses around the game's main character; KOS-MOS, an android created to harbor the soul and power of another. Anyway, because she's incomplete and won't be complete until the soul transcends into her, she's very stoic. However, the one paragraph of the song is:
Even when we behold each other
Somehow our eyes do not meet
And when you hold me in your strong embrace
Still I feel no heat
But it gives me such delight
To feel you close enough
I know I am true to myself
Though it cuts deep into my heart, somehow
Okay, the connection is rather obscure but I won't bore you with ranting more or quoting the song more. As for your poem, it's got a really good idea behind it but it really should be divided into paragraphs, since in its current form it's a tad less sophisticated looking. I don't think it demeans the words of the poem, but to satisfy the common perfectionist's determined demands I recommend sticking to having separated paragraphs.
I really like this piece, keep it coming! Oh, and Merry Christmas!
I love this poem. There's no forced writing and explains circumstance as well as feeling without being too drawn out or over-detailed to death. VERY good write.
I really liked this, I am a huge fan of end rhyme when it is used like this. You have woven it in wonderfully and to your advantage. It propels the reader forward and it doesn't jolt them at all.
The biggest issue for me is the meter in the lines. Throughout most of the poem you keep a nice, steady meter with a count of seven, six, seven, six in each stanza, but it breaks in a few places. That is the most jarring part of the poem, but it can be easily fixed with some word manipulation.
Also, maybe think about breaking up the poem into stanza. Seems like a crazy idea (I used to hate it when people told me to do it... for some reason it just annoyed me), but I really think that the poem would read better that way. Then again, I may be wrong ^_^.
In the end, great poem. It aptly describes me in more than one situation. Don't worry... eventually someone will invoke some kind of reaction out of you. Might take a long while, but it happens. (Yeah, I would normally roll my eyes and snort dismissively at this kind of comment myself, not believing a word, but really it does happen. Use the darker emotions to your advantage while you can and write. ;) )
HO HO HO! I don't know if this comes from personal experience, but if it is...Don't worry, there are tons and tons of fish out in the sea! You really won't have to worry about these kind of things. How you presented this poem went about fluently, when I was reading it the words flowed without any hesitation, it is a very good read. I hope you'd continue to make more simplistic and catching poetry.
I do not think you are uncapable of loving someone. You are just still young yet. So am I. I don't have a boyfriend, but I like this one guy Brandon a lot. The Poem "A Poem For You" is about him.
Just dont get too caught up in the teen love thing because we are young and there a plunty of guys out there.
I really enjoyed reading this poem. I am usually not a big fan of end rhyme because it usually feels forced, however, in your poem I think it works wonderfully. The image of the dancing works fabulous with the rhythm and rhyme of the poem.
This poem left me feeling sad for the narrator. I know I enjoy reading a poem when it leaves me feeling a certain emotion.
"Unable to Feel" is a poem that demonstrates image use and rhyme well.
Welcome !
