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Who is Supposed to Be There?
by Chermayn Fong (Age: 20)
copyright 07-25-2008


Age Rating: 13 to 127

 
The sound of pounding beats
my chest so slowly
I feel so lonely
is this okay?
There were these feelings
long ago
I felt them rise
and I let them go
does this mean I'm happy
or am I sad?
I feel the palm of my hands sweating
As if I was supposed to hold
someone there
But it comes up empty when
I look at it.
I feel my smile is not
in the right place,
it's somehow crooked.
I felt my stiff back straighten
and cold,
Was I supposed to feel
someone there behind me?
I suddenly felt the tears that
crossed my cheeks
and I wondered who I was
supposed to cry for.
Is it for me, these
warm tears?
Or is it for someone I
couldn't remember?
I knelt there in the sunlight,
so warm and carefree
But I wondered how I got
there from the first place.
I feel so empty,
like something is missing...
I wonder who it is...
Who are you?




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Comments on this Article/Poem:
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07-29-2008 Frank Fields    

Generally, I have to agree with Leigh. The title, as it is, sets up an immediate obstacle. That isn't fair to the reader and to yourself, really.

I don't mind divided-format sentencing as much, (I've been known to do it myself, I think. @_@) but if the sentence continues into three and four lines, then it's usually hard to follow. It becomes awkward.

Some attention to capitals when beginning a sentence, is always important. And there are a few instances of tense agreement and inconsistent tense usage. Unless these technical deviations support the work, they're better corrected before presentation.

Now that I've chopped your piece into hamburger, not really--just trying to be helpful, the write itself is good.

Many emotional visions that appeal as well as questions left in a Universal category. The development is good, and it has an almost haunting texture. ^^

I liked your write. Thank you. ^^

Frank :)
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