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It is a shame I didn't get to read the origional but this is wonderful all the same I agree with mike G. the impact of your poem gives it its beauty. the reader can fill in anything while readign with their own experiences this is very cool. It gets straight to the point and gives its point clearly while allowing for the readre's interpritation. peraps the origional had different structure but probably got the same message accross. your work is always very inspiring. I hope it takes you far but with this quality there is little room for doubt that it won't very nice piece.
I did not see the first version, but the way it reads now is good. I like your form here and the read is nice. It does open the mind to make one visualize what is happening. I like this one, Anthony
I agree with Cassie, this is a really good rewrite. I think the impact of this poem comes from repeating a simple structure all the way down the page. It doesn't take a lot of words because the reader anticipates the beat, and she focuses on the key words while her brain fills in all the implied stuff. Terrific!