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Sometimes the comments are as fun to read as the poetry itself. This poem speaks out to me in many ways. In reading your comment, I wanted to say not to throw out anything...rework it as you see fit, but there is always something to someone in everything you will ever write. Though you may not see it, others may get what they need. Don't throw them away. You are doing well for a beginner. I look forward to seeing you grow! Anthony
There's lots to like in this piece, some well-chosen and well-arranged words. However, if you had not told me the plot of the story in one of your comments, I don't think I would have figured it out without a few more defining details. Please forgive my bluntness.
I also think you should break your larger lines into smaller ones for better structure, if you can. It's also good poetry to break your lines on one syllable words. I dunno'-try it and read it back to yourself, then compare. Go with the one you like best, needless to say.If you do that, let me know, and I'll come back and give you another star, OK?
You're so awesome. I know our styles are way different, but somehow some of the same basic elements of the story seem to be the same. Maybe that's just a little bit of why I am so attracted to your poetry. Plus I don't even like Gabriel, but somehow in this poem I don't dislike him at all. In fact I kinda picture him as pretty and sweet. I don't remember what started the whole Gabriel saga in my private world, but hey, here he seems like a whole other person. Nice to see a poem unintentionally changed who I like. Which has never happened before by the way. Oh and I know it doesn't revolve around Gabriel I just saw the name and somehow you had turned of the hate reflex. Wonderful poem and amateur has nothing to do with how long you've written poems it's how long you've known how to see the world around you.
Welcome !
