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If The Hat Fits - Wear It
"....and you'll have a new hat to wear. My brother-in-law - his shop is round the corner near that new cafe - Louis' . .....No, not the cafe - My Life! - The cafe, may God forgive, is called The Three Pigs Pantry. The old Rabbi would turn in his grave, if he were dead, and right next door to the Kosher butcher!"
I sat quietly as my sister was instructed by Aunt Sadie, representing the very Jewish side of our family. She had cajoled Sarah into attending the synagogue for the very first time.
As if a new Rabbi should want a reluctant, potential convert on his first day - Aunt Sadie would be more than enough! It's rumoured that the last Rabbi went Catholic to escape her, and still she thinks he has simply gone to Israel on secondment!
"....and you can come too," Aunt Sadie's finger, shrouded in quality dress rings, pointed at me. Believe me, no-one argues with Aunt Sadie, at least not to win. Given sufficient time, my long-running argument would crumble.
"But Aunt Sadie, you know I have to work on Saturday. Even the old Rabbi explained to you it was all right!"
"And what did he know? He's a Catholic already!"
So, Aunt Sadie had found out!
"Working on Saturday - Oy vey! - but now is not the time to discuss - Louis' hat shop - We're going now, and that, you can come to. You tell your sister if, the hat she will choose, is looking good on her. An old lady's opinion may not be enough."
She was already making for the front door, her tight-skirted posterior, waddling like a goose that dictates the direction her scuttling off-spring must follow. And who were we, now sufficiently brow-beaten, not to scuttle in tow ?
Three minutes to five on a Friday evening, and Louis visibly withered as Aunt Sadie burst open the door. Greeted by a wail of anguish from Louis, "Sadie! it's Friday evening......"
"Yes, and we knew you would be pleased to have a little more business," Aunt Sadie interrupted. Somehow, I was not convinced that that was where Louis' statement had been leading to, but even he dared not challenge her.
"Sarah is going to choose a hat for the Rabbi tomorrow," commanded Aunt Sadie.
"So he can't come and choose it for himself?" quipped Louis.
Ignoring, or perhaps missing the retort, Aunt Sadie outlined the details of the hat 'Sarah would choose'. " A good fit, Louis, one that does my niece proud. First impressions, the Rabbi will notice her. You want that I should draw you the sort I mean?"
Louis prickled, then muttered under his breath, "You want that I should draw you an oven and teach you how to cook!".
For the next half hour Louis worked up a sweat, opening each box with optimism and closing each with despair. Some of the hats never even made it out of their respective boxes, though each invoked a different criticism from Aunt Sadie. In fact, most of the comments were more colourful than the hats themselves! Eventually Aunt Sadie spotted Sarah's ideal hat. (no-one dared mention it was the first one she had rejected for being 'too modest').
Saturday morning, I drew up outside the synagogue and Aunt Sadie bundled Sarah out of the car. As they reached the Door of the Synagogue I heard Aunt Sadie's last instructions to Sarah.
"... take it off. You forget already that women must uncover their heads?"
Copyright retained - David Taub – (October 1996)
First-prize winner in Words magazine (UK) 1998
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