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Divorce
The Effects on Children and Adolescents
Divorce effects everyone. It is a time of many losses and changes. Grief moves through a person as waves building higher and higher until it comes crashing against a shore. Many feelings are experienced and while it is difficult for adults to understand, it is more difficult for the children. Children are not mer bystanders who simply witness the divorce; they are active participants (Troyer, 1979). Children do not merely rebound back as was once believed; they experience strongly different feelings and reactions to the loss of their parent’s relationship. As this paper will explore, children experience many losses and feelings when divorce occurs.
Even when a break-up of parents is expected, the initial reaction to news of a divorce is often shock. A child or youth may feel alone, as if this has never happened to anyone else. There is a sense of isolation and denial.
“My father just went off. There was nothing final like, dad was just going on a trip. I didn't think of it that my dad was never coming back.”
“When it first happened to me it seemed like I was all alone, like as if there was no one else in the world that ever had a divorce. Later on I heard there were other people in the same position. But at the time I thought I was the only one.” (Robson, 1979, 15)
These were statements made by a teen girl about her parent’s divorce. The statements illustrate a sense of shock, denial and isolation around the initial news that seems to be common in all children.
Following the initial shock, many children or youth experience anger at being overlooked by parents. They want to be included in the decision, not merely have it happen around them. Children realize they are more than observers but are often kept in the role of stunned witnesses at a tragic traffic accident about which everyone else was forewarned. (Troyer, 1979)
“They sent me to stay with my girlfriend for a weekend so they could do it behind my back while I was away.” (Troyer, 1979, 26)
“It’s so much harder when it’s a shock.”
(Troyer, 1979, 26)
In the absence of open communication with parents, children tend to experience strong feelings of guilt and embarrassment. Children tend to believe that they are the reason the divorce is occurring and tend to be bound around memories of parental fights. Usually, the fights are centred around the child and focused on a behaviour that has irritated a parent. This leaves the child believing he/she is the trigger for the “war.” (Troyer, 1979)
“So, I don’t know if we were partly to blame because they had different ideas about how to discipline us. But you wonder, when they don’t tell you. I could never ask because I don’t like to upset them. But I’d like to know.” (Troyer, 1979, 32)
As a parent, one can decrease the feelings of shock, isolation and guilt in a child through open communication. Children should be told that they are not the cause of divorce. (Troyer, 1979) Parents may not fully understand themselves as to why the divorce is occurring; however, an explanation does not have to be complex. Letting a child know that their love has changed for one another but not for the child will help to smooth over the change. As Troyer states in his book, “Children don’t just want to talk about what’s happening, they feel a right to be told, to be consulted on where they will live, and with whom, to express their feelings about custody and parental visits.” (Troyer, 1979, 41)
One of the toughest losses for the child of divorce is losing a parent. The child is living with one parent while the other lives in a separate residence. There may be custody problems, which compound the loss. A child may lose a sense of trust in the world and in their parents. There may be a physical move of either the custodial or non-custodial parent, thereby, decreasing visits with the child.
“Well. It’s different. I have my own room now. But I miss my Daddy. Very much, too. I can’t do nothing about that, I guess. But I wish I could. Get him
back.” (Troyer, 1979, 55)
Children may hope for reconciliation of their parents, even while knowing this is probably not going to occur. Parents may attempt to shield their children from loss of an absence parent by lying about the whereabouts of the parent. This is more likely to occur when the non-custodial parent ceases contact with the child.
“When I grow up I’m going to save my money and work. Then I’ll write to people in the States and try to find out where he’s buried. Then I’ll go and put
flowers on his grave…Sometimes, at night, I cry when I think about him. In bed. I really miss him.” (Troyer, 1979, 56)
The above quotation was stated from a 10-year-old girl who hadn’t seen her father since the divorce. When the mother was questioned about her daughter’s statement, she said, “It was better for Fay to believe her father was dead, since he made no effort to see her.” (Troyer, 1979, 57)
Children are capable of adjusting to change and working through grief when they are told the truth, not a fabricated lie. Parents can aid the process by talking about changes in society and how as adults they do not possess all the answers. Feelings shared are feelings allowed which aid working through the process of grief; lies told for the “better” are only delaying the process. Lies also destroy trust and create anger in adult children when they discover the truth.
Many children express holidays are the toughest times to experience. There is grief around both parents not being together to share the special day and the added necessity of shuffling between two homes. Parents may utilize the holidays to further escalate the fight between themselves without fully realizing the children are the ones who are caught between.
“On Christmas morning, while we were opening our presents, my Mom phoned, from Los Angeles, to wish us Merry Christmas, I suppose. My Dad hung up before we could talk to her and we couldn’t call back because we didn’t know where she was staying. He said she shouldn’t interfere with our Christmas that we’d be seeing her next week anyway, when we visited her.” (Troyer, 1979, 62)
Traditions may change. A family that previously opened gifts together now has presents sitting unopened under a tree. Birthdays that were shared with both parents may not be acknowledged. All these events further add to feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, loneliness and/or apathy.
“It felt so strange here, without him to hand out the presents and make everybody wait their turn and all. The presents we had got for him were just left under the tree, after everything was opened, by themselves. I think quite a few of us maybe had a little cry privately, in our rooms, after we opened the presents.”
(Troyer, 1979, 63)
“Before I came to live just with Dad she used to say I was her best birthday present. And now she can never make it, since she moved in with this other man and left my Dad. I get a present instead; it comes in a taxi.” (Troyer, 1979, 65)
Summer and school holidays can create shuffling between relatives, camps and trips. This can also add to feelings of confusion for the child as they move back and forth between parents, locations and events.
For children, routine and predictability equates security. No one wants to be in the middle of a dispute and children seem to know when one parent is trying to “one-up” another. It is acceptable to let the child know he/she is missed during the holidays. If there is a special item used, such as an angel for the Christmas tree top that should continue to be part of the tradition. Children tend to also be hurt by a parent who is trying to avoid communication with the other spouse; therefore, they do not receive phone calls from the missing parent. It is important to overcome this fear, as a parent, and maintain contact with the child over the holidays.
Another loss children experience is a loss of economic security. It appears to be a common denominator that divorced children experience a cutback in lifestyle, a tightening of economic constraints and a reduction in options (clothing, holidays or treats). (Troyer, 1979) Parents tend to overcompensate for this loss as a means to make-up for the emotional trauma suffered by the child. This is observed in the statement made by a seven-year-old child, in the first year of his divorced state:
“My Mom is buying me a new two-wheeler; I’ve already got a two-wheeler bike, but she’s going to buy me a ten-speed. And we’ll give the old one away; I’ve had it for a year. And we got a new record player; and a new TV, a colored one. My Mom buys me lots of neat stuff.” (Troyer, 1979, 69)
What the child doesn’t child is he and his mother moved from a four-bedroom bungalow on spacious, treed property to a small apartment in a public housing project. (Troyer, 1979) The syndrome many parents fall into seems to characterize a need to “nest”, signal new beginnings and to show the former spouse that the family can cope without him. (Troyer, 1979) The interesting point about the parent overcompensating is that children of divorce often are very aware of the economic reality. This factor is also dependent upon the age of the child as younger children do not seem to have this heightened awareness and tend to accept economic changes easier than older children or youth.
Teenagers, especially those from larger families, tend to take on the role of breadwinner through part-time employment. They not only spend the money on themselves, youth may also assist with expenses, including rent. (Troyer, 1979)
Compounding to economic change is financial desertion. Troyer states in his study that 1/3 of the children interviewed lived with mothers who were getting no monetary support from the fathers. Troyer also discovered that many of the fathers earned decent incomes, believing they were decent parents because they maintained regular visits with their children. (Troyer, 1979)
“My Dad moved to Toronto, from Edmonton, after they separated. And he phoned my kid brother a couple of times, and said he should come to Toronto for a holiday at Easter, and in the summer. My little brother got all excited, he’s only nine. But then my Mom was supposed to pay for the plane ticket and she didn’t have any money, and he couldn’t go. I think that was cruel; by my Dad, I mean. He even phones collect, when he calls us to wish us happy birthday.” (Troyer, 1979, 76)
Custody is almost always an issue when divorce occurs with children being involved. Children are often placed in the middle and asked to choose which parent to live with. If both parents are able to reach an amicable agreement without court intervention, children’s loyalties tend not to be separated. Once court action begins, parent’s feelings often become tense and hostile. (Robson, 1979) Courts tend to be overloaded with cases and a custody case can drag on for months, even years. The basic court system is enhanced by adversary, in which the lawyers are acting in the best interest of the parents and not necessarily the child. Judges’ views reflect upon extensive research and expert opinion (often from a child advocate) which tends to conclude children of divorce function better with a relationship with both parents. Difficulties arise when judges assume children suffer by not having contact with an abuser or ignore evidence that abuse is continuing during parental visits. (Taylor, Barnsley & Goldsmith, 1996) All of this has an effect, not only on the parents, but on the children caught in the middle.
“I think the hardest point in the whole thing was that little yo-yo routine there at my grandparents’. When my father actually said, ‘Who’s coming with me?’ and I said I was – my mother grabbed at one arm and my father grabbed at my other arm and it was like a tug of war.” (Robson, 1979, 74)
Other losses may include: moving to a new neighbourhood, city or province; loss of or destruction of pets; losing friends and/or family members or losing social ties. The more losses a child experiences, the more difficult it becomes for the children to move through the grief process. The reason(s) parents divorce creates different levels of impact on the child. If abuse was evident in the home, the child may experience relief for leaving an unsafe environment along with anger and guilt, in addition to the other changes occurring. If the divorce was amicable and communication was open, the child experiences lesser impact and moves quicker through the grief process.
How do children adapt and move through grief experienced from divorce and loss of their parents’ relationship? As with every loss, there is gain.
The majority of children and youth appear to gain a sense of self-reliance, maturity and responsibility as a result of the divorce. During the adolescent years, maturation occurs such as increased responsibility, decreasing parental discipline, friends and jobs. Many teens report that the divorce and effects heightened their maturation in these areas. (Robson, 1979)
“You learn how to take care of yourself. You’re more mature than other people.”
(Robson, 1979, 171)
“Greater knowledge about parents – certain amount of strength having gone
through something and survived it all – feel stronger than a lot of kids whose
parents are still married.” (Robson, 1979, 183)
“Sometimes I think that people that go through divorce are lucky. I know you go
through the hassles but you learn so much you can cope with people and life in
general.” (Robson, 1979, 184)
Divorce effects all people involved, especially the children. Is it better to remain in a marriage for the sake of the children or divorce? Studies indicate and interviews with children appear to express that staying in a marriage with major problems is more harmful than the act of divorce. As explored in this paper, there are many factors, which will have an impact on how quickly, and healthy a child will move through the grief process after a divorce occurs. Moving healthy through the process will allow one to gain insight and strengths that will carry on into adulthood and into a child’s own adult relationships.
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Works Cited
Robson, Bonnie (MD). My Parents are Divorced, too. Toronto, Ontario: Dorset
Publishing, Inc. 1979.
Taylor, Georgina; Barnsely, Jan and Goldsmith, Penny. Women and Children Last.
Custody Disputes and the Family “Justice” System. Vancouver, B.C. : Best
Book Manufacturers Inc. 1996
Troyer, Warner. Divorced Kids. A candid and compassionate look at their needs. Toronto/Vancouver: Clarke, Irwin & Company Ltd. 1979
References
Heegaard, Marge. When Mom and Dad Separate. Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief from Divorce. Minneapolis, Mn: Woodlands Press. 1991
Robson, Bonnie (MD). My Parents are Divorced, too. Toronto, Ontario: Dorset Publishing Inc. 1979
Taylor, Georgina; Barnsley, Jan; Goldsmith, Penny. Women and Children Last. Custody Disputes and the Family “Justice” System. Vancouver, B.C.: Best Books Manufacturers. 1996.
Troyer, Warner. Divorced Kids. A candid and compassionate look at their needs. Toronto/Vancouver: Clark, Irwin & Company Limited. 1979.
What Women Need to Know, Custody, Access, Kids and Court. YWCA of Vancouver, B.C. n.a n.d
© 1997 Beverley McInnis
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