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IN THE BEGINNING, THERE IS DARKNESS
-JAKE'S STORY-
“Dad, come on!” Jake said, “We’re going to be late if you don’t get a move on it!” Jake grabbed the tickets, the car keys and stood impatiently at the door. “Dad! We’re going to miss kick-off if you don’t hustle your butt!”
“Listen Paul, I’m telling you stocks are holding out. I wouldn’t panic. No! Don’t sell, not yet! Hang on, ~I’m coming, grab the keys for me~ sorry, my kid was yelling. Listen, the market is there! If we hang on, just another day…” Jake’s father walked slowly towards the door, his cell phone plastered to the side of his head, ”Look, my kid is waiting to go to the football game. I’ll be in the office tomorrow, we’ll deal with it tomorrow.”
“Dad! Anytime now!” Jake said, tapping her long red nails on the door frame.
Richard ignored Jake, as he continued to talk in the phone. Grabbing the keys from her hand, he walked out the door and to his car.
“Paul! I said I’d be in tomorrow! Look I promised my kid we’d hit the ball game. Just don’t sell. No, I can’t come in today! I took it off for my kid.”.
“Dad! You going to let me in?”
“Listen Paul, I have to go. Oh for…hang on!”
“Dad, no” Jake said, seeing the look on her father’s face, “Not this time. This time you promised.”
“Hey kid, I’m sorry. Isn’t there someone else who can take you? You have to understand, all hell is breaking loose and I have to get down there.”
Jake froze. Taking a deep breath, she looked her father straight in the eye and said, “It doesn’t matter father, I really wasn’t looking forward to spending time with you anyhow.”
“Jacqueline Marshall, what do you mean with that?”
“Nothing father. You go on your business. I have some business of my own.”
Without looking back, Jake walked away from the car and headed to the road. Her eyes closed and her fists clenched as the car squealed away from her, going in the opposite direction.
“I will not cry, not anymore.”
Jake walked towards the bus stop. Downtown Vancouver, Granville Street. That was her destination, her sanctuary from the cold. Everyone loved her down on Granville Street. Not even her father could take that away from her.
Jake was 2 years old the day her mother walked out and never returned. Jake couldn’t recall her, all she held to were images of tears and sounds of crying mixing with words of anger. Last year Jake received a birthday card 2 weeks after she turned 13 yrs old without a letter or return address. The postmark was simply marked “California, USA.”
Jake remembered when she was 5 year old, asking her father why her mother wasn’t there. For years after she believed her dad, that her mother had died in a terrible accident – until at the age of 12, she found a series of letters mailed to her father shortly after her mother’s disappearance, from her grandmother. Another woman she never knew. Jake confronted her father with the letters and the story spilled out – Jake was never sure, even now, if she had done the right thing. Sometimes it’s best to leave secrets in the dark.
Jake stared out the window of the bus, lost in memories that were flooding in, despite her resolve to push it all behind. Jake sighed and slipped back into the past as the bus jarred to a stop.
“Your mother was only 16 years old when I met her, Jacqueline. She was so vibrant and crazy. I was 26 and knew I should just leave her alone. The baby sister of my best buddy. Not a good mix.”
Jake ran her fingers over the steam on the window, doodling senseless pictures, ignoring the woman sitting beside her. Why don’t people use deodorant before boarding a bus? God this woman stinks.
“I couldn’t resist though. She kept hitting on me. She was pretty crazy, your mum. She liked to party and in those days, drugs were free flowing, alcohol was easy to obtain and good times were had by all. Including me. She’d show up at the parties, her brother would try to throw her out but there I was, rescuing her, telling him to back off. Really stupid eh!”
“Yeah Dad, really stupid” Jake muttered to herself as the bus turned onto the freeway, “real stupid.”
“Excuse me dearie?” asked the lady sitting beside Jake, “Did you say something?”
“No” Jake said, shifting further from the lady, losing herself once more to memories.
“One night, we got wild. In the morning no one knew who had been with whom. All we knew was there was your mother and there we were. That morning I knew we had gone too far. I grabbed your mother, dressed her while she was still unconscious and carried her out the door. We crossed the line, headed for Vegas. By the time I hit Bellingham, I knew this was the wrong thing to do. I headed back home.”
“What happened to mum? Did she know what you were doing Dad?”
“No, she didn’t wake. I returned and took her to the hospital. I’m sorry baby, to tell you all this. You are far too young to hear these things.”
“Dad, I’m older than you know.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Nothing. Dad, what happened after you went to the hospital?”
Jake remembered how her father looked at her puzzled. He never knew, still doesn’t, of the trips to Granville Street or the friends she’s made down on Davie. Nor will he ever know. Not that he’d care anyway.
“I made up a lie that I found her in an unconscious state and believed she had been raped. She ended up in the hospital for a week. She couldn’t remember anything and I denied it all. Her brother, my best friend, he stopped talking to me. Swore if I went near his sister again, he’d kill me.”
“Did she get pregnant?”
“Who knows, baby. The doctors made sure she’d never figure that one out. Anyhow, I walked away but never forgot her. I was in love with your mother, even then. But I knew I’d be dead if I went near her again.”
“So what happened? You guys did get married and you had me. How did that happen?”
“I heard through the grapevine that her family placed her into a private boarding school. Still, gossip told me that she was sneaking out, running away and having many problems. One night, a year later, at yet another party, I found her. Even more beautiful than before. You have her exotic looks and her long legs. I have to watch you like a hawk, the boys will be pounding down the doors in a few years!”
Jake stared out the window, suddenly feeling chilled. Closing her eyes, she refused to cry.
“Maybe if you had opened your eyes sooner dad, you would see, your baby is all grown up in ways you never knew she could be.”
“Dearie, are you ok?” the lady asked, touching Jake lightly on the arm, “I’m a grandma and really good at listening.”
“Look lady, I’m fine” Jake snapped, “Just leave me alone!”
First her best friend, Elizabeth gets after her to talk to someone, anyone about what has been happening and now this smelly lady acts like she cares. What is it with the world? Don’t they all know, the only one who really matters is you. Even then, in the long run, you don’t really matter either.
“What the hell?” Jake grabbed the lady’s hand slipping into her coat pocket, “Lady, I’m not into that stuff! Not with old ladies anyhow! You want a piece, you buy it like everyone else! I don’t give it away for free!”
“Dearie, please let go of my hand.”
“Not a chance, lady. What do you want?”
“Dearie, you are hurting me.”
Jake released the lady’s hand, watching the woman rub the area, trying to get circulation back.
“Dearie, I was slipping a card into your pocket” the lady said, “My daughter is a street nurse. She’s really understanding. Go talk to her.”
“Listen lady, I don’t know what you want but I seriously don’t do it with women. You got it!” Jake shifted, attempting to get up and away from this lunatic.
“Sit down, dearie,” the lady placed her hand light upon Jake’s shoulder, until Jake settled back into her seat, “I told you, I’m a grandma. I understand. If my granddaughter was on this bus, hurting like you are, I would hope someone would give her a card and a number to call.”
“Anyhow, dearie, here is the end of the road.” the lady stood and turning to Jake said, “Life shouldn’t be so hard for someone so young. Give my daughter a call. She’s very understanding.”
Jake stared at the lady confused. No reprimand for hurting her. No threats of going to the police. No inquires as to how much she cost? Jake walked up the stairs to the LRT and boarded the fast train down to Granville Street.
“Baby, after I saw your mother standing there, tossing her long black hair off her shoulder and flirting with those green eyes, I knew I couldn’t let her out of my life again. You have those eyes too, eyes that could melt the strongest man’s heart.”
Jake shuddered remembering how her father touched her after making that remark. How cold she suddenly had felt.
“I wooed her. Wooed, now there is a word no one uses anymore! Her family never knew. On her 18th birthday, we eloped. Ran away to Alberta and got married. I hated my job so we just stayed in Calgary. I started to climb the corporate ladder and your mother wanted for nothing.”
“When was I born, daddy?”
“We lost 2 babies before you were born. That was very hard on your mother. The doctors never asked whether she was drinking or doing drugs. Why would they? We were on the move, going up in status and becoming the elite, the cream of society. No one knew, not even me that your mother was doing cocaine. I figured a few drinks of wine wouldn’t harm a baby. But now, now I know different.”
“Daddy, why? Why would my mother do that?”
“It was the life. Coke is expensive and at that time if one had status and money, coke was the drug of choice. I stopped using when we married. I thought your mother had too.”
“What happened daddy?”
“I came home early and found your mother in bed with another man. Very high. I threw her out. I changed the locks. A week later she returned. Begged me to let her back in She was pregnant with you. I wanted to refuse her but I couldn’t. It was those eyes, those exotic green eyes. I couldn’t say no. Just like I can’t say no to you, baby.”
Jake shivered as the LRT stopped at MetroTown. She looked up, hearing familiar voices. No one noticed the ice take over, surrounding Jake in it’s cold embrace.
“Hey!” Jake said, “What’s up? You headin’? Heard news? Where’s it happen’ tonight?”
“Babe! Haven’t seen you on the circuit in forever!” Stomp said, sitting down next to Jake, placing his arm around her shoulders, “Your old man keeping you under lock and key?”
“Yeah, man I tell you, he’s such a bastard.” Jake replied, “I was supposed to go to the ball game but no, he blows me off, just like always!”
“Tell it to the judge, ain’t no sob stories here tonight. Just something to make you real happy,” Stomp said, slipping a tiny pill into Jake’s hand, “Gotta have my best girl, happy.”
“No tears here” Jake said, taking the pill without hesitation, “Time to party, so where’s it at tonight?”
Stomp nodded up, looking over at a man standing off in the corner.
“Just walk with me, when we leave. Think we got us a narc there.”
“Then let’s give him something to watch,” Jake said, slipping her hand down onto Stomp’s thigh, as she kissed him with enough passion to light the LRT on fire. Stomp moved into action, his hands wandering in places that they should never know. Cee, forgotten in all the talk of the rave, rolled her eyes watching. She burst out laughing as the man Stomp pointed out looked away in disgust. She gave Stomp a quick kick in the shin.
“Ok, you guys, you made him puke, break up the lovefest!”
“You jealous Cee?” Stomp laughed, pulling away from Jake and moving towards Cee, “Hey, there is plenty of Stomp to go around.”
Cee pushed him away, “Like I’d want any of your dog germs! Get a life man!”
Stomp laughed and shrugged, “Like I said, plenty of Stomp to go around.”
The LRT pulled into the underground station at Granville Street. As the kids jumped off, pushing and laughing, the man Stomp pointed out watched from a distance. The kids were wrong though, he wasn’t a narc but he did want Jake. He wanted Jake since the first moment he watched her working her stuff on Granville and Davie. The jet-black straight hair, those exotic green eyes, that young tight body – perfect for his next movie. He followed them up the steep escalator.
“Hey man, what the hell do you want?” Stomp stopped and turned fast, facing the man following them from the LRT, “You got a problem or something?”
The man smiled. He spent years grooming kids like Stomp. Tough kids yet give a few kind words, a bit of understanding, cheap drugs and they melt. These kids thought they knew it all – suburban rats. Growing up in fancy homes, never wanting for anything, not for anything material. Everyone of those kids, lost on the streets, was looking for love. For acceptance. All what they never received from their home and he was just the man to give it to them. Especially to the exotic young beauty standing there, staring at him through eyes of stoned green.
“No problem at all. Heard you talking. You want to hit a great time or do you want the kind that your mummy would approve of?” he said, smiling at Jake, running his tongue over his lips as he winked at her. Jake blushed.
“Hey! We don’t need your stuff, man. Got our own.” Stomp said as Cee pulled on his shirt sleeve, trying to get his attention.
“I’m not selling, just got a good lead on the best you’ll ever be at. But hey, you kiddies want to play at McDonald’s, you go for it. Me, I’ll just find some kids who really know where it’s at.” He turned, pretending to walk away, knowing he would be called back. Sometimes it was hard to not just burst out laughing over how simple it really was.
Jake ran to him. Placing her hand on his shoulder, she moved in closer, “Hey, Stomp just takes care of us. Don’t mind him. Where’s the party?”
Don’t move too fast, he thought to himself,
The secret is throw the bait, play the line and reel the fish in once the hook is deep.
“Just follow me, I’ll take you to paradise and back again” he said, taking her hand and kissing it lightly. Jake giggled, rubbing against him she murmured in his ear how she could make him really happy tonight. Not too expensive, just right. Want to go baby?
He smiled to himself, knowing the hook was there, time to reel it in.
“Well folks, looks like your friend knows what she wants” he said, ignoring the dirty looks from Stomp, “You in or out? Your choice, kiddies.”
Cee pushed Stomp hard. Stomp glared, feeling trapped. He wanted to walk from this man, head to the rave and forget this whole mess. But he couldn’t leave Jake behind. Or could he?
“Don’t you even think of it, Stomp!” Cee said, “Either she’s with us or we are with her. This guy gives me creeps.”
“Yeah we are with you” Stomp said, “Shit, let’s go!”
The night moved in psychedelic blurs. Stomp, Cee and Jake eventually separated – all lost in a blur of drugs, music and people. The man never lost sight of Jake, eventually taking her to his studio above the rave. As the cameras whirled, Jake put on a fine show for one so young, never returning to reality, never knowing all was on video.
Morning came. Jake woke knowing she had lost another night, another moment in her life she’d never remember. Where was she. Where were her clothes? Why had she done this again? She fumbled around the dark room, finally locating a window and opening the blinds. Before her lay the remnants of the night – blood-stained needles discarded upon the rough wooden floor, an old stained mattress covered with a thin sheet, whips laying upon outfits of studded leather and her clothes, balled up in the back corner. As she dressed, she tried to recall but her brain wasn’t ready to function, still high on the drugs from the night. Shuddering, crying, she put her hands into her coat pocket, pulling it tight against her, unsuccessfully blocking out the cold from within. Her fingers felt paper. Pulling it out, she struggled to focus her stoned eyes when she remembered – the lady on the bus. Her daughter was a street nurse.
“No more!” Jake yelled, running out of the room, “I can’t do this anymore!”
She ran. Grabbing the door, she screamed. It was locked! She looked around. There had to be something to break down the door. Anywhere! Under a pile of rat bitten blankets, she felt something hard and pulled out a hammer. She hit the wooden door, over and over, feeling it shudder with every blow.
“Let me out!”
She raised the hammer high and smashed hard into the door, finally creating enough damage to kick out a hole, allowing her to escape. Ignoring the voices yelling at her, she ran down the dark stairs and into the street. Disorientated, she hit the pavement, pushing the startled people heading to their 9-5 jobs, out of the way. Couldn’t they see? Couldn’t they see the pain on this street? How could they just ignore all that was staring them in the face?
Her breath came out in sharp bursts, tearing at her lungs. She collapsed on the street. No one looked, it wasn’t an uncommon event down in this area of Vancouver for teens to live on the streets. One lady threw her a loonie, another tossed her a quarter. Jake tucked the coins inside her pocket, without looking up.
She held the paper, twirling it with her fingers. Maybe Elizabeth was right. It was time to speak; time to tell the story. Jake stood up. It was time.
*****************
“Happy Birthday, Elizabeth,” Jake said, hugging her best friend tightly, “and thank you.”
Elizabeth looked deep into Jake’s eyes, seeing the sorrow and pain. Understanding how hard it was to hide all the secrets. Knowing the group home was the best place to be. One day Jake would be healthy too and ready to tackle the world. Being here was the first step.
“You’re welcome, my best friend,” she hugged Jake back, “I love you.”
© 2001, Beverley McInnis
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