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I thought this would be an easy essay to write until I thought about limiting myself to only ten important things to do before I die. Then this essay became harder to accomplish. I believe my choices are different not because I'm special nor because I'm NA, but because these are ten things that sound so simple but are the most difficult for me to accomplish. I've listed mine in their order of importance or did I? I'm not sure, but this list is important to me in its entirety.
10) I want to find a beautiful sunlit meadow, with soft, fragrant grasses and a large sun-dappled tree standing in the middle. I want to stand at this tree and again see the vision I had as a child. I want to again see my mother and father laughing, talking, and being happy. I've missed both since they died, and that's my wish. The last time I was in this place was shortly after my father died and he returned the same night to tell both my mother and I we would soon be with him. Both my mother and I had this same vision on the same night and it was the calmest, and most wonderful moment of my life.
9) I want to visit Victoria, BC and again walk through the rose garden. I remember Victoria as a beautiful city, almost as a fairy-tale. I want to again have high tea in a Victorian hotel, I want to luxuriate in the formality of the occasion, enjoy it as I couldn't as a child.
8) I want to sail on the Straits of Juan de Fuca off the coast of Washington State. I don't want to do this except when the whales are running. I know whales aren't as plentiful as they once were, but I want to feel the same exhilarating fear I felt as a child when my father would take our family out during whale migration. I want to again feel the spray, taste the saltiness on my lips, and feel the wind caress my face.
7) Again on the Straits, I want to sail to all the islands without houses and people, I want to see the craggy roughness of Granite Island. I want to see if the lone eagle still nests on the uppermost branches of the tallest tree. I want to feel the iciness of the frigid, arctic waters when you leave a dinghy rowed to shore. I want to visit these bits of habitation because these are the happiest and last moments I remember of my father.
6) I would like to visit North Dakota. I want to once again visit the one room schoolhouse my mother attended. I want to peer through the window as she did before she started school. I want to see the spanking machine standing in the corner, but most of all I want to visit her rock. I want to lay on its gritty surface and let loose my tears to flow and nurture the earth as she did as a child of seven.
5) I want to see one more fire on the mountain. I want to again feel the color red, and again feel the amazement and astonishment I felt with what the Creator gives us. It was one of the most spiritual experiences I've every felt.
4) I want to converse for an hour with my spirit guide, I want to sit and let his wisdom descend on me again and feel the power he imparted within me. For those that don't know, my spirit guide is an owl. When I moved to Montana, I went on a spirit quest and found my guide. He sat within five feet of me, on the ground, and conversed with me for over an hour. Since that time, every tumultuous event in my life has included an owl. I want to hear his voice again.
3) I want to visit my reservation one more time. I want to pick a burial place close to my grandmother who gave me her name Anastasia for my baptism. I now honor her with my pen name of Jacqueline Anastasia. I honor my adoptive parents by keeping Jacqueline as my first name, so I've combined my new origin with my honored one.
2) I want my children to know how much I love them, how proud I am of them. I hope they are as proud of me. I cherish every memory I have of them. They don't realize how I agonized when I left their father, but I did it to show them what he was doing was wrong. I'm proud they honor their heritage, whether the Indian or the Norwegian. All I want is their happiness and to watch their children grow into adulthood.
1) Finally, I want to spend time with the only person I will ever love. I want to spend every moment the Creator allows us to have with him. I don't want to smother him as I don't want him to smother me. But I want to know he's there when I need him as I will be there when he needs me. I want to be with him as he would be there for me, when the Creator calls us to his breast. I want to share his forever….
These are my ten things, I don't ask for riches, I don't ask for travel, and I don't ask for fame, I merely ask for life.
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