The Crazy World Of Writers (The Ten Commandments of Publishing)
by
John Mcleod
copyright 12-28-2001 Contest Winner
Age Rating: 18 to 127
Welcome once again to the Crazy World Of Writers, a place where you can chill out and have a beer or two, let your hair down, relax by the pool, (I heard yoga is relaxing.) OK, Enough of my rambling, let's get on with the show.
We all want to be published OK, that's something we all have in common.
Something else we all have in common is talent, (I hear you all saying no, not me,) but it is true! We all have some sort of talent that we want others to see, whether you write a poem or a short story or a whole two hundred thousand word novel, there is some sort of talent there.
My first piece of advice is this; believe in yourself, never ever doubt your ability. If you come across as a sad unconfident person who writes an opening letter in such a manner, you will be in the trash bin faster than you can say, "Shit".
Stick your chest out, (Wearing clothes will be more civilized when you do this) and write the opening letter with pride. Never say, "I am not sure if this is any good but can you take a look at my manuscr......" They won't touch you with a barge poll.
My second piece of advice is this; Sleep with the editor, (No, only kidding)
my second piece of advice is read what your future audience will read.
If you have a good idea what people WANT to read then you will have a better chance of getting what you write published.
Third note; Never ever listen to the critics, they are just jealous of your talent and want you to change the best part of your work. If they succeed in this then they will have a better chance of getting their own work published.
Note Four; Never ever, ever, ever, be repetitive, never go over the same thing a hundred times. If you write something properly the first time you will get the message across.
Note Five; Beware of the con-men, (or women) who say that for sixty dollars they will put you in their magazine, e-zine, chap-book, ETC.ETC.ETC If you gotta pay then you are being conned.
Six; Do not get lazy in your pursuit of success, did you notice that I missed out the word (Note)? It is all to easy to skip bits just to get on.
Note Seven; Never take advise from people who have not been published themselves. What do they know?
Note Eight; Play it safe, put a condom over your pen...Arghhhh Nooooooo! I tried not to put that lame joke in there but you know how it is, anything for a cheap laugh. What I really meant was; copy- write your work, make sure you have solid proof that you wrote it first.
Note Nine; It helps if you have a friend in the publishing business, go to bars where you know a publisher drinks and chat him up (Or her) and casually drop into the conversation that you are a budding writer. Do not be too forceful though as they can get really suspicious of your intentions, (Believe me when I say I know).
The Tenth and final note; Disregard most of this article, what do I know anyway?
John Mcleod
ps; I would like to thank my favorite author Stephen King for the inspiration which led me to write this. Hell! I think I read too much of him because some things I say are eerily familiar.
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Frankly, I'm a little surprised at your list. You left off the most important item: Consume mass quantities of Guinness! LOL
This is funny, dude. Thanks for the grins... and congratulations on your selection as Grand Exalted Writer of The World! (Well, Story of the Month, anyway...) Great job!
Yes Bob, I agree my friend; I think that you better put a couple of extra packets of biscuits in the shoping basket this week for I am sure I can see (Even from here!) the hoards of writers heading towards YOUR door!
Do not be fooled by their causual greetings which tell of (just poping over to visit), and the ones with a glazed look in their eyes are best left outside-trust me on this.
ROFLLLL!!!!!!! :-) What a hoot, and full of useful advice to which we should pay attention, for somehow you *do* seem to know something. *vvbg* Congrats!(Oh and Bev, I sure do hope you were referring to temperature and not u-wear size in your first comment.... LOLOLOLOL talk about a major disadvantage in following the 'sleep with the editor' advice)
~~~~~nan
John, you are killing me with laughter! Oh I took all those suggestions very serious, to my heart and soul. I will do all you suggest. But...gee, the editor of our local paper is my aeorbic teacher. I don't think that'll go over well with her husband if I show up in their bed. Might not get the article published that I want, might be a different one all together.
Clothes are good, especially at -25C!
Ah yes, Stephen King....that was one terrific book! I have it at my desk and find myself referring to it often. It's terrific inspiration for a budding writer!
Yeah Rachel, and the reason why YOU know this is the fact that you beat me to the post. I was surprised when I saw it was a man but I was more surprised when I noticed your tartan shawl half caught up in the closet door. I hastily made my retreat and decided to keep quiet until the moment came when I needed this information. Now seems like a good time to tell it.
I think that my best bet is to sleep with the editor. Most of the publishers that I've contacted don't know what I'm writing about. Do I look fat in this dress? LOL Jackie
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Contest Winner
