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When the telephone rings and I am at home, I pick up the receiver and say "Hello?", and a person on the other end of the wire usually says: "This is Mrs. Y speaking. May I speak to Mr. X?" If it is me that person is asking for, I say: "Speaking!" and then we talk.
Everything is all right if the other person introduces himself clearly. But very often I hear just the first name: John, Grace, Mark, Helen... they are very explicit. The second part of their identity remains a mystery to me. If someone, sitting with me in the room, asks: "Who are you talking to?" I cover the receiver with my hand and say: "I don't know! Mr. Robert Something!" and a silly grimace appears on my face. At the end of our telephone conversation I ask: "What's your name again, please?", and then I hope that I know who I was talking to. I hope because if the name wasn't spelled out I only know the phonetic sound of it. And it could be wrong.
Once I called an office in Manhattan. A feminine voice had answered the phone, shooting out the words as if she was a machine gun: "Wor... Kiel... Gal... and Ja...ps, may I help you?" I took a deep breath after she had poured out everything she wanted to say, and I was very pleased that she was willing to help me, but I wasn't sure whether I had dialed the right number. I knew where I was going to call and I expected to hear precisely what I had reached and although the lady expressed her readiness to lend me a hand, the name of the office I expected to get help from had sounded suspiciously.
Very often I have problem calling people, whom I have just met, by their last names. We shake hands, we look each other into our eyes and we exchange our names. It sounds like this: "Hi, I'm Bob Blablabla!" or "Hi, I'm Mary Blablabla!". I know Bob and Mary now, but I don't know whether I may call them Bob and Mary. They had introduced themselves with their full names, so they probably expected me to call them Mr. and Mrs. Blablabla, but because their last names were scrambled somehow, I wasn't sure how I should address them.
Very often when I watch TV, my hair stands on end hearing what people do not only to their own names, but to the names of others taking part in the show. The host of the show makes a horrendous effort to pronounce his guest's name and gives up after a few attempts with a silly smile: "I am sorry that I've pronounced your name wrongly!" And I'm very glad to see the proper "sound" of the talking head's name at the bottom of the TV screen. Then I know who I can agree or disagree with.
Although some of the quests are interviewed very often on various shows, the hosts make the same mistakes. Mr. Smith is Mr. Smith and I'm sure that he doesn't want to be called Mr. Smeetch! If someone's name is Mr. House I am sure that he doesn't like to be called Mr. Building! The meaning of those two names is close but Mr. Peace is not Mr. Piss!
The most incredible things happen to the foreign names. I am a foreigner and I'm proud of my name because my parents had given it to me. When I was a baby my parents used to call me by my first name and when I grew up they taught me what my last name was. It didn't take long for me to get accustomed to it and pronounce it the right way. My name is Ryszard but I'm called Ryezard instead! Why? If someone wants to call me Mister, my name is changed to Mr. Kraski! Why? It is not me! What would have happened if one day Mr. Brzeczyszek had appeared on the show? I'm sure that he would be called Mr. Bzitzik. And it wouldn't be him!
I know that there are many languages in the world and many, many names and sometimes it is difficult to adopt something new. People and things are recognized by their names. A plate is a plate and it would be silly to call it a palate, a mattress is a mattress and it shouldn't be called a mistress... It happens very often that if we forget what the name of something is, we call it "stuff" instead. It sound more or less like this: "I have set the table for dinner, you know. I've put on the table the plates, glasses and, you know, all this stuff you need to eat with!" But I don't want to be "stuff"! I have my own name! And other human beings have, too! I do my best to pronounce someone's name the way it should be no matter how difficult it is. If someone introduces himself with his name, he or she expects me to call them by their names. And I do it, showing the respect for the person I talk to. I don't call them, for instance: "Hi, you!" or "Listen, woman!" or "You, man!" But very often people don't care how they speak and they make fun of themselves.
I remember working for a lady who had difficulties to pronounce my name so after a few days she made a suggestion:
"Ryezard, why don't you Americanize your name? People do it all the time."
"Why should I do it?" I asked.
"It would be easier for us to pronounce your name," she said.
"I am sorry, but I don't want to change my name. I like it. Besides, the name I have was given to me by my parents and I am proud of it. I think that you should learn how to pronounce my name instead. I have learned how to pronounce yours."
After that conversation I was fired, but that is another story. But I thought about what she had said and I kept asking myself why people change their names. If I was born here, probably I would be given an American name: Smith, Brown, Johnson... But I was born somewhere else and I came to this country as a foreigner and with my own name. That is what is beautiful about this country. The mixture of all cultures, characters, behaviors... and names. I am surprised, meeting somebody from one of the Far East countries who introduces himself as Michael Hun-Ho. I am almost sure that his original name was Mi Hun-Ho but he wanted to blend in American society or he worked for someone who convinced him to Americanize his name. Probably he worked longer that me.
Maybe people should change their names to their telephone numbers! After all if I call someone and he or she is not at home, the answering machine talks to me. There is a message on the tape: "This is nine two eight four six three one! If you have a message please leave it after the beep!" The number instead of the name. I leave the message, saying: "Ryszard Krasowski is calling and I'd like to know..."
How would it have sounded to you if I had said: "243 6578 is calling and I'd like to know whether you had called Mr. and Mrs. 910 7245 and asked them to call Mr. and Mrs. 769 04 21 to come to my place for a bridge game. If you are going to call them, please tell them that we will discuss the behavior of Mrs. 218 7564!"
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