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Picture Credits:
I hope those folks down at the Nobel Prize place are in production, because I have discovered a fact that will save more lives than any one single invention that has ever been created! That’s right, you heard me… and since you’re all my buddies, I’m going to share it with you. Well, at least, I’ll share part of it with you (I can’t afford to take the chance of revealing it all, because someone could steal it, and then where would I be? You see my point, right?)
Actually, the idea came to me last night when I was having a few brewskis down at Periwinkle’s Pub (Guinness, of course, that goes without saying, doesn’t it?), and Chub Feely said something that made me think. We were discussing the finer points of professional wrestling and fake blood and was Steve Austin really cold-cocked or was he just faking it and could Vince McMahon really whip his kid and was China really a lesbian… when Chub said, “Bubba (that’s what some folks call me at several of our city’s finer purveyors of spirits and such), I’ll buy another round if you can tell me where more people die than anywhere else.”
Well… sharp as I am (and, more to the point, as much as I wanted another free Guinness), I had to give this one some serious cogitation. First, I thought it might be a trick question, and cemeteries came to mind… but, hell, they’re already dead by the time they get there (which made me think of the old joke about what’s the most popular place in the world… well, cemeteries of course, people are just dying to get in there!). No… it wasn’t cemeteries.
I know! Battlefields! Yea, that had to be it… there’ve been scads of folks die in battle… So, I whispered to Carlester Shine what my answer might be, and he gave me a look like Are you on drugs? but all he said was, “Uh, Bubba, were your grand folks killed in battle? How about your Aunt Lucy and Uncle Herb? I seem to recall that they weren’t involved in any war when they died.
He had a point…all of those folks were shuffled off this mortal coil when they came in second in the race with a Santa Fe Railroad locomotive.
Then, like a bolt from the blue… it suddenly came to me!
Hospitals!!!
Yes, my brothers and sisters, more people die in hospitals than anywhere else! They’re a veritable breeding ground for death! Haven’t you ever watched ER? Someone dies on that show practically non-stop! If it ain’t cystic fibrosis, it’s subdural hematoma… if it ain’t D5W, it’s 500 CC’s of saline drip, STAT!
Yea, they’re dangerous places, with all those interns and whatnot walking around in packs, coming up to patients’ beds and poking and prodding… What’s worse, the ones that don’t get good enough to go into private practice (where they’re less dangerous because they don’t spend so much time in hospitals), become residents at the hospital, and don’t never leave!
Well, I’d better stop before I give away all my secrets. I gotta save some for when those nice folks at the Nobel Prize factory call me. I called them and they said they’d get back to me… but I don’t know what was so funny as to make her laugh when she said it.
She sounded like a foreigner of some sort… where the hell is Helsinki, anyway? Isn't that up around Montana somewhere?
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