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Well, you see, it all started last night, just after my last class of the day. Everything had been fine, but then... Well, she had to show up. After she practically fainted in my fiancé's arms, and babbled some air-headed crap, she finally noticed my look of not so thinly veiled disgust. Like it did any good, she kept right on pawing at him. Him! He's mine! What the hell does she think she's doing touching his hand like that?
Sorry, I'm getting off track. Anyway, after blowing her off, we went to meet a few friends for a movie. Well, one of them knows her pretty well, and he told me a few things in private while the others were getting the popcorn. It turns out, she thinks she's in love with him! My fiancé! I don't think so. Oh, but that's not all. According to this guy, she has this shrine or something to him. She's like obsessed! I mean, I know I get a little possessive sometimes, but from what I heard, she's got old chewing gum and stuff! I'm sorry, that's a little overboard! And in case anyone here forgot, he's MY fiancé!
Of course I wasn't going to let her get away with it. That's why I confronted her this morning. The lying tramp laughed in my face! Can you believe it? She said our mutual friend was just making up crap about her. Then she said that I wasn't woman enough to keep my man satisfied! She actually said that. Huh, well what do you think I did? Damn right, I slapped the witch. Trust me, she wasn't too happy with that, but what could she do? Slap me back? Ha, I'd like to see her try. Anyway, I left her there, whining about her poor cheek.
So, what should I do? I mean, I can't just let her go chasing after my fiancé! Maybe I should tell him about this, about her obsession with him. Yeah, she needs him to tell her exactly how things are. That'll settle this once and for all.
Ok, so we’re like having this evening of togetherness, my and my fiancé. Everything was going picture perfect. Pizza was on its way, I was looking totally hot in my new sundress, it was perfect. Well, almost. As always, he was completely engrossed in some video game. I know, I know, we have to let men have their toys, but really. I have needs too, you know.
Anyway, the pizza gets here, and I give him some money to pay for it. No, of course I wasn’t paying, it was his money. He is a gentleman, after all. He always leaves me money on the bar, he’s so sweet like that. I always say you know you’ve got a good guy when he gives you something before you have to ask for it. I mean, we’re like soul mates or something, he practically reads my mind. Anyway, he opens the door, and this total slut of a delivery girl is standing there, her cleavage practically hanging out all over. Well, he’s like totally swooning or some crap, can you believe it? And here I am, standing right behind him! Well, he finally gets his eyes off of her chest and gives her the money. Of course he tells her to keep the change, the jerk.
So then we’re watching some lame movie and eating the pizza, and he’s all “what’s wrong honey?” and I’m like “You know what you did”. I mean, why do they think they can play dumb? Men are totally not worth it.
Well, the next day, this new movie is out that I’m dying to see, so of course he agrees to take me out. We finally get to the theater, and he’s being all old fashioned, opening the car door and stuff. Isn’t that just the cutest thing? I love it when he does stuff like that, it makes me feel so special. Anyway, so he’s all excited, and then we get to the ticket window. That’s when we see her.
Oh yes, another one. Another woman out to steal my man! This one is brunette with big dimples. She makes some remark when he tells her what we need, like she’s funny or something. Yeah right. He, of course, can’t help but be all taken in by her innocent act. Yes, I totally love him, but he’s a guy. I know he loves me, but he just can’t resist looking at others. I seriously think it’s a genetic defect or something in all men.
So he’s flirting with her, and I’m so giving him a glare of death, and he’s not even noticing! I practically have to drag him away from the tramp, I swear he kept staring back at her. So through the entire movie he’s trying to put his arm around me and stuff, and I’m so totally pissed that I end up leaving in the middle of the show. Of course he followed me out, whining and begging to know what’s wrong. Do I need to buy him a clue or something? He’s so oblivious.
Ok, that’s it! I’ve had it! He is engaged to me! If he even so much as looks at another girl again, well... I’ll have to take drastic measures. Let me tell you, today was the last straw. We were on our way to see her, yes the psycho girl who is obsessed with him. I had finally convinced him to tell her off, and he was going to be a man about it. I mean, he has to. He can’t go on letting her think she’s in love with him. It’s just not right. So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, he looked at not one but two girls! Don’t ask me how, but he managed to totally flirt with this girl in the drive-through! I mean, here we are in the car, in the car for God’s sake, and she’s leaning out the window giving us our food. Well, her freaking boobs are right at eye level, and he’s just staring right at them! It was like she had a sign around her neck that said “look and enjoy!” I’m like “honey, we’ve got our food, let’s go now.” And he ignores me! I finally have to shake his arm to get him to pull his peepers out of her assets so we can get going.
Oh, but wait, there’s more. Oh yes, it gets worse. My sister stopped by to have lunch with us, and he just totally and completely was all over her! My own sister! He would not stop talking to her, looking at her, laughing with her. It was embarrassing! I mean, I was totally planning on having her as my maid of honor, but no way! She blew that! As for him, well! I just don’t know what I’m going to do with him now. I love him, but he just can’t seem to understand that he can’t go around looking at other woman. It’s just not done, really. You understand, don’t you? It’s so totally not his fault either, I know that. There are so many horrible women out there tempting him that he can’t help but fall into their evil traps. I’m going to have to find some way to protect him, he needs me. I just have to find a way.
My poor baby, I feel so sorry for him. I know it’s for his own good, but still. Oh, I need to check on the pot roast. Ok, it’s almost done. Got to get the potatoes mashed now. Anyway, he looks so miserable, and he keeps asking me why I did it. He just can’t seem to understand that it’s for his own good. Ah, I’ve almost got his dinner finished. See, I know I’m doing the right thing, I have no doubt of that, but he doesn’t seem to understand. I tell him I love him, and that I’m doing it all for him, and he just looks at me like I’m a freak or something. I hope this time is better than the last. He screamed at me and said a lot of things I know he didn’t mean. He loves me, he’s just confused. Well, I’ve got to go get this to him before it gets cold.
Anyway, so I’m taking his food to him, when someone knocks on the door. I figure it’s Lisa, we were going to study together, but she’s kind of early. I answer the door, and it’s her! Yes, she actually came to my home!
“Where is he?” she asked, like she even has a right to know!
“Not here,” I go, trying to slam the door in her face. Well, she just pushed right through and totally gets in my face. “I want to see him right now!” she screamed. She totally needs a breath mint, by the way. Well, I just glared at her, and put on my really upset face.
“Get out of my house now!” I said. The carpet in the entryway would totally have to be cleaned to get rid of her stench.
It was at about that time that he yelled something. Well, of course she heard him, I think her ears are tuned to his voice or something. She totally blows past me and starts looking for him. Of course I couldn’t let her find him, so I’m trying to push her back out the door and she’s all “I’m going to find him!” and I’m like “No you are not!”
Anyway, she goes straight to the basement stairs. I don’t know how she knew he was down there, but she did.
“What have you done to him?” she screamed at me. Like I wanted to do it? I had no choice, I’ve already explained that. So anyway, she’s yelling at me about how I can’t keep him chained up in my basement, and all I’m thinking is that she’s in my house, after my fiancee, and I don’t like it. That’s about the time I realized she was standing at the top of the stairs.
Well, as you can imagine, it was hard to find a place to leave her, but I found one. I don’t think anyone really goes to the old building on sixty-third anymore. I hope no one does, I’d hate for anyone to find her. I mean, I shoved her into an old freezer or something that was there, I bet she’s gonna stink. Anyway, I have to go get lunch ready for my honey. I hope he will at least look at me this time. It’s hard to not look into his soft eyes, but I’ll manage. I know he will understand eventually. He loves me, and I love him. I really do.
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