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Broken Mirror
How could I have gotten myself into such a mess? I thought to myself, here I am, I
want to leave so bad but somehow there are feelings inside that make me want nothing more
then to stay here where I can be protected where they will never harm me or I will never feel
true pain of loss or rejection, I will forever have this perfect shield that will enclose and
protect me from my inner most fears and desires, I will be one by myself I will have my own
thoughts and no one can prove me wrong. Is this reality? "Of course not" I said to myself as I
slumped myself back Into my chair watching the out the window, I watched the cars in the
street flow by like perfect melody on a sheet of music and the rays of the sun reflecting off
the people outside that were flying kites and playing by the park.
Here I am, I’m 16 and I have this major problem, I feel as though life will no longer
permit me to go anywhere, I feel left out and all alone and all this time I feel as though I’m
standing in the middle of this giant room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one seems to
notice or care.
Yes, I am an unhappy person these days I feel that I literally have no one, no one to
help no one to talk to, no one to just be there, I mean once upon a time I had this fairy tail life
where I was considered cool . I had friends and yes even a few enemies but who doesn’t? until
one day a couple of months ago life seemed to change forever.
I have always been the centre of attention and It was something that people were just
used to. It was a everyday thing, people who I considered "my girls" would come visit me and
greet me at my locker and the girls that wanted to be my friends would come to my locker and
greet me as If I was about to pay them any attention. But one day they didn’t come, in fact no
one came and it was unusual for me for someone who had many friends and was never
unincluded from anything before and all of a sudden I was nothing.
How did this happen? I always wanted to fit in and I thought that as long as you fit in
you were safe from the "Fashion" police that strolled the halls every day picking there latest
victims by the hand full, strolling down the halls with a evil yet charming look on there faces as
they picked on the little most vulnerable nerds of the pack, mostly it consisted of the same
people that were smart I think it was all envy. You could see it in there eyes, it wasn’t exactly
hatred it was the fact that they had to make themselves look better then everyone else which
we all knew that there were dumber then dirt but personality was what mattered, to them at
least.
Here I was walking down the halls as I looked around for my clique of girls that I
hung around with on a daily basis the girls that talked about the hottest guys and the nicest
shoes and the best lip gloss to sport on a weekend. There they all were looking at me like I was
the stranger and I was in "The Out Crowd", that couldn’t be possible I had spent my whole
high school life so far doing whatever it took to be a part of the in crowd and I wasn’t about
to switch over.
"Hey a Jamie, that’s your name right?" a quiet yet mousy voice said as I looked over
my shoulder to see a petite girl looking at me through big wide framed glasses, looking at me
her eyes were gigantic and you could see every speck of green that surrounded her giant
pupils that were centered and looking straight at me.
I looked around a few times trying to make it look like I had nothing to do with that
girl but she said my name and I felt almost obligated to say something back but instead I just
smirked and looked away as if she was talking right through me. I didn’t want to have anything
to do with her and her kind.
Her kind? Well that was almost a mystery to me, I didn’t know exactly what I meant by
that remark but the fact that I didn’t want to talk to her, that no body wanted to talk to her, I
knew at that moment that I didn’t want to have anything to do with her it was a sure sign that
she wasn’t the person for me.
"Excuse me……I said Hi Jamie" the mousy voice said again, I looked over and stared at
her with a blank look on my face. I mean who was she to start conversation? Especially with
someone with her rank in the social scale she was way below me and I didn’t want to fall back.
"Can, I help you?". I said to her feeling somewhat ashamed about my behaviour but I knew
that people were watching me and judging every move I made.
"Um……never mind I thought that you might need a partner for our project", said the
quiet girl that sat next to me, I felt bad that I never knew her name, I guess it was because I
never really cared much if you weren’t in the circle, which I was proud to admit that I was
apart of. I didn’t care much at the time that she wanted to be my friend I never thought that I
would want to be friends or even need friends like that in my life, I wish that I had asked her,
her name and talked to her more, I realized that it wasn’t her appearance that counted. She
was an outsider and so was everyone else there. We all need friends and shutting her out of
my life was maybe not the best thing that I have ever done.
At the time it felt like that was what I had to do to remain popular and to keep my
great status with my friends and the school. What I didn’t realize was that I myself, was the
outcast and those friends that I hung around with weren’t there anymore, I was all alone and I
didn’t have anything to look forward to I didn’t have a mother that I could talk to or a really
good friend, for I never understood that the whole time I was living this wonderful dream life
and I was pushing them away while the whole time I was pushing myself to be some remade
Gap commercial model cut out something that I wasn’t, I was like a Broken Mirror, people saw
me and thought that I was a mirror image of what "in style" was and popularity and high school
drama queen life that I was supposed to lead. Somehow I find that I’m not the mirror but a
shattered fragment of what we all are, just a piece of the puzzle that makes us fit together.
No one is perfect and no one realizes that it takes more then material things or being
pretty or popular that make you a worth while human being, It’s what really counts it’s
perseverance, integrity It’s the personality that counts and the person that hides behind that
personality.
I wish that I had realized that at that moment I wasn’t the person that I thought that I
was, I was a cheaper version of myself, I was mean, I was a gossip, I was what I wanted to be
to be, one with the other girls, and I was, I always went out on a Saturday night and I never
went Stag to a school dance. I was popular.
So I might not be popular with the girls or the guys but hey I can still make friends
right?…Well this was about the time when I wished that I had been nicer to the “dorks”
because they actually cared about wanting to get to know me and not just the fake outside me,
they wanted to know the real thing the girl who is actually really shy who holds up a wall to the
people around her so that they will never know what makes me tick, what I live for but they
wanted to know.
I got up enough courage to face them one day. I walked up to that mousy quiet girl the
one with the glasses to big and the green specks in her eyes and said, “Hi!, my name is Jamie.
What’s yours?”, she looked at me and I looked at her and a few of her friends which to me
were always known as the “freaks” looked at me and smiled. “Hi, I’m Carrie” said the quiet girl.
Ever since that day, Carrie and I have been best friends, I never found out why my
other friends had left me, and I never cared, I made many friends, and the “Freaks” were not
freaks at all they were the nicest people that I had ever met and will ever meet.
How could I have gotten myself into such a mess? I asked myself once again. Simple, I
found out who I was and who my real friends were
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