I close my eyes take a breath,
one deep, lengthy breath,
remembering
one day I'll rest,
one day I will no longer
breath one breath,
My eyes are open my
focus in blurred,
open eyes,
But I cant hear a word,
I am in a place I played
when I was young,
were I thought I would never grow old,
and death would never come,
I see that we really never
know when our time has risen,
How easy it is to be sad or angry
over tests we are given,
and we begin crying...
when the people we love begin dieing
I close my eyes and take a breath,
One deep,
lengthy breath,
remembering one day we will rest,
we feel guilty for
years we diden't live
life to it's fullest,
I try to unwind and appreciate
the time I'v been given,
sooner than I would like our
time will end in our shells,
soon we will only be felt through other peoples memories...
I close my eyes take one breath,
one deep,
lengthy breath,
remembering one day I will rest,
one day I will no longer breath one breath
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you recommend or rate the work highly...
I have a couple of suggestions for you about this work. Understand that my opinion is worth no more than anyone else's, so take it in the spirit it is given, that of helpfulness.
The biggest problem I had with the poem was the flow. When I read it aloud, I couldn't develop the sense that one stanza flowed into the next. I think this is important in a poem that uses the same stanza to open and close. I recommend that you read it aloud a few times, and see if your voice naturally inflects at the points where you expect the reader to feel the major points of emphasis. If it does, then you've probably done a good job on the meter you intend... if not, maybe you need to work on it.
Secondly, the format doesn't conform to any pattern that I'm able to discern. That doesn't mean it's wrong, or bad, but free verse is very tricky, and meter becomes critical.
Third, I'd recommend that you proofread your work a little more carefully. There are several misspellings present. It can be difficult to concentrate on emotion when the eye sees misspelled words.
Fourth, after you've gone through your poem, and are pretty satisfied with it, look at every single word with a discerning eye and ask yourself the question, "Is this the exact word I want to use, here?" In this manner you can avoid the redundancies, cliched phrases and over-dramatizations which plague us all.
Last, check for extra article adjectives and other unnecessary words (the's, and's, of's, or's, etc.)
You have a nice start here. I look forward to reading a re-write, should you choose to do so. Thanks for sharing it with us.
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