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Picture Credits:
This is the first story by the illustrious author known as Nanny Imp.
" I'm sitting here thinking of what I can say to the most beautiful woman in the world..how will she react after all this time? "
My Dearest Deccie,
Domestic Goddess of all you survey..there are no words that I can say that would even begin to explain how busy my life has been in recent months.
" That's a good start..make her feel a little bit sorry that I've had so much to do that I couldn't even write? I'll continue... "
Following the recent revolution that was waged against yours truly..that being me, Mighty King of Quorgonia, of course, I seem to have run up a bit of a national debt, roughly in the neighborhood 500 million pounds. I am presently trying to clear myself of this measly little obligation by offering to sell my body or a reasonable facsimile thereof..maybe a nude picture given a prominent position in the buyer's hallway or living room. Better yet, a calendar of me doing Kingly projects. I'm sure either one would sell like ice cubes to those poor souls residing in Hell!
" Gain her sympathy with that part..yes, indeedy! And have her know I'm serious about regaining my Kingly fortune! "
The dire straights of my financial situation have all come about by way of the former Princess, Kalus Kow, who no longer resides within these walls or graces us with her presence. She got intangled with the wrong crowd and left to pursue a career as a vampish vampire, or adled bat in a belfry, or some such horrendous job offer.
" Yes, my Dear Deccie will understand, as she knows so much about
bloodsuckers and changlings in the mist! "
At any rate, my life has been taken up with countless Royal engagements of Kingly proportions and various and sundry attempts at debt dwindling tactics. A marvelous thought has just entered my lecherous little mind..I've decided to raise taxes!!
" This way she'll not only love me for my body, but for my quick thinking mind as well! "
You know that most kings and diplomats have tons of tact and diplomacy, but due to circumstances beyond my control, I'm afraid I had to have them surgically removed a few years ago to pay for the new moat which surrounds my castle walls. I am well known around the palace for speaking my mind and often putting, not one, but both Royal feet into my Royal mouth. One lesson I've learned along the way is that when you're King, no-one dares open a complaint department!
" DGD..Domestic Goddess Deccie has always appreciated the gutwrenching truth and honesty about my Life as King Quorg. "
I'm afraid that I'll not be able to accept the gracious gift that you sent earlier this year, although your generosity did overwhelm me. Those six crocodiles were hideously green, but sported humongous appetites. They managed to deplete my fastfood supply..you see, I much prefer to eat those unruly peasants myself. Since I couldn't cope with the stiff competition, I had them shipped to the neighboring kingdom of Zwingland. In no time at all, their army will be short handed and I can take over..enlarge my territory as well as my bank account.
" She will think me both brave and wise. "
Ah, I have heard through the Royal gossipmongers that you are currently casting your eyes about for a handsome hunk to have your wicked ways with. I might be able to assist you in this personal matter. The vast forests surrounding my castle abound with woodcutters who roam bare-chested with axe in hand. If I can capture one, I will gladly present him to you as a token of my great esteem. I must make myself perfectly clear on one point..he is only to be used for cutting wood. But if you find your fantasies overcoming your common senses, I'd rather not know. (Besides, you know the unwritten rule:a Goddess can only mix and mingle with Gods!!!)
" She will picture me as having her best interests at heart. "
Once again I must profusely apologize for the short note, but my charming assistant has just delivered another outrageous monetary demand from Portly Princess Kalus Kow to my dpleted Royal treasury.
Speak to you soon,
Yours Always
Quorg
" Perfect, perfect, perfect! I must send this QOD
( Quorg's Overnight Delivery ) before I chicken out! "
Domestic Goddess Deccie's Erstwhile Reply To King Quorg
" In all fairness to the man, I guess I should reply..."
My Dearest Kingly Quorg,
Yes, I understand about how busy and hectic a King's life can be.
" What I really understand is that he is a lazy lout who couldn't even get his secretary to write me a short note of apology months ago! In Quorg's quirky domain, I'm considered nothing more than just another ego notch in his Royal scepter! "
I have thought long and hard about a monetary contribution to help ease your tremendous debt. Instead of a nude picture, I think a marble statue would be more in keeping with my Domestic Goddess good taste. It would add an elegant touch to my rose gardens..I would be happy to cover the exorbitant cost, and throw in an extra bonafied bonus for you personally. I'm sure you would do the same for me if I ever called on you in a moment of desperation..especially since a Domestic Goddess is never allowed to sell her body, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, for fun or profit!
" A picture of Quorg sans Royal Robes..that notion is quite ridiculous!! But a nude statue of him would do quite nicely in scaring away those pesty blackbirds! And a calendar..the man is simply delusional! They would sell as fast as blubber kabobs at a Save The Whales Foundation fund raiser! "
I am sorry to hear about your troubles with Princess Kalus Kow, but you can't say I didn't warn you! I told you right from the beginning she was trouble with a capital ' T. ' If I ever run across her, literally of figuratively, I will give her a piece of my mind. Better yet, black rubber skid marks from the screaching tires of my 4-wheel drive Decciemobile would be a lovely new look across her royal backside for ruining your untarnished reputation as the greatest King who ever ruled Quorgania. If either of those approaches do not work then it's off to meet my psycho psychologist, Count Alucard. He swears on his Mother's grave that he is related by blood to Count Dracula after he received a pint of Drac's vamparific Life Force from the local blood bank some years ago!
" Quorg's troubles began the moment that P.K.K. caught him playing Palace with her younger sister, the quite stunning Cat's Meow! Now he spends much of his free time in the Litter Box, trying his best to keep his Royal Neck and Butt above the Deep End of the
Poo Poo Pool! "
Raising taxes is always a good start to solving money woes. The peasants will hop on the Royal bandwagon, becoming door to door salesmen in their effort to help ease your burdens while keeping your honor and dignity intact!
" Raising taxes is the first step on the way to a Peasant's Revolt! I plainly see that no earth shattering lessons have been learned in this Kingly process! Honor and dignity..I think they were removed along with his tact and diplomacy and 15/16th's of his brain to boot! "
Having Domestic Goddess Greatness thrust upon me at this stage of my life has changed my poor pitiful attitude in many ways..I spend what little bit of free time I have in writing my poetry; no, your drunken eyes do not deceive you..POETRY. And some amusing short stories as my precious time is limited.
Thankfully, my loyal and trusted friends love my words of wisdom, but there are those close to me who have evil and disparaging remarks to make on a daily basis. I am belittled in their eyes because I make no money at my craft. They don't seem to have a clue, but they will get their comeuppance shortly!!
Quorgy, you are such a gentleman. Giving the crocs to those less fortunate than yourself, even though the national debt is skyrocketing beyond your control. I'm sure that King Zwing accepted them with an open heart and a great big hug..they were among the most docile, as well as being the children's favorite reptiles in my petting zoo.
" KQ never had a gentlemanly bone in his entire body..he always has an ulterior motive when he does something out of the goodness of his heart. And as far as Zwingy..I hope he knew better than to have anything to do with those terrible beasts as they were coldblooded rejects from Steve Irwin's private stockpile of deadly maneaters! "
Bare chested woodcutters with axes in hand? My heart be still! Send one on if you would as I can barely contain my cup which is overflowing with happiness and joy. Yes, I most certainly do mix with Gods, but haven't you ever gone slumming? An intense adventure into the unknown can turn into nights of frivolous and dangerous fun..but only if one is free spirited and open minded!
" I would be paid a kingly sum if I were to make a calendar of woodcutters sans shirts..that would be every Domestic Goddess's 's idea of a calendar to drool over! And if I know Quorg, he would never go slumming, although he's not above a little hanky-panky in his own quarters! "
My Dear Friend, I must close as my homeside duties are calling me to attention.
Please write soon,
DGD
Domestic Goddess Deccie
" I wonder how long it will take for a Kingly response this time around? "
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