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In this age of investigative reporting the time has come to reveal the shocking truth about the background and secret life of a long time seasonal folk hero. The facts may seem unbelievable, but one can not ignore the sordid details surrounding the life of one of the most beloved characters of all time.
This story starts with the present. I have uncovered startling evidence of the notorious double life being lived by the one and only Santa Claus. It may be controversial and upsetting to those who can’t bear to see their heroes as less than perfect, but we can not avoid accepting the facts that prove Santa Claus and the Green Giant are one and the same. Consider, if you will, the following: First of all, both are known as "Jolly." Second, they are equally remembered for using the same key phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho." Third, each of their names contains exactly ten letters. And finally, both are best known for wearing singular colored outfits.
Further investigation revealed the information that Green Giant canned foods is manufactured by the Pillsbury Company, which has its headquarters in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It certainly can be no coincidence that Minnesota is known as the "North Star State" or that the words North Pole and Minnesota have exactly the same number of letters. If this isn’t enough of a similarity then perhaps one should ask why the Pillsbury Dough Boy resembles the traditional image of an elf.
Before going further one must determine if such a double life is really possible. The answer is yes. Actually, it makes a great deal of sense. What better way for Santa Claus to keep his elves busy in the off season than to have them working at growing vegetables and wrapping up canned goods. Best of all, it would provide a ready supply of food for his reindeer and a steady source of cash to help him through those tough times following the Christmas season. Of course, one can’t forget the tremendous advantages on Christmas Eve of having access in this modern age to the well-developed distribution system of a large food company. This may also explain how he has been able to get around so well in just one night.
Based upon these revelations, one is forced to accept the possiblility that Santa Claus may in fact be a giant who once a year manages to parade around as a short rotund giver of gifts. Looking at history one can find evidence that Santa Claus may have had other identities prior to assuming the role of good old Saint Nick. Let’s take a moment to examine the similarities between the legends of Paul Bunyan and the Green Giant. Paul Bunyan hailed from Canada. The Green Giant’s headquarters is in Minnesota that borders Canada. Each is reputed to be an extremely large individual. Both are best known as working with the land. And not only do each of their names have exactly ten letters, but perhaps strangest of all is the fact that the Pillsbury Company just happens to be located in Minneapolis, a sister city to St. Paul, which is a combination of the names "Saint" Nick and "Paul" Bunyan.
Now that Santa Claus’s possible aliases have been exposed. One must search more ancient history to see if he might also be connected with any other legendary giants. To start with, one should look at the case of the giant Goliath from the biblical story of David and Goliath. According to the story, a small Israelite shepherd boy named David managed to defeat and kill Goliath with a lucky blow from a stone he tossed with his sling shot. Suppose for one moment that Goliath was only wounded and left for dead. Wouldn’t it make sense that he might choose to leave the area rather than face the humiliation he could receive from his comrades? Maybe the wound left a permanent mark on his forehead. This could easily explain the reason he later became referred to as Saint "Nick."
A further clue to the connection between Goliath and Santa Claus’s subsequent aliases is found in the meaning of Goliath’s name, which in the ancient middle eastern language means "splendor." One can certainly see how anyone with a name representative of fame and magnificence might find it difficult adjusting to living an ordinary lifestyle. No doubt, in time, this person could begin to miss the attention his former glory gave him. It only follows that he would seek out some way to make his new identity famous.
This however, only partially explains how Goliath might have found value in transforming himself into a true legend of generosity. To understand the other elements of Santa Claus’s mystical persona one must look deeper into Goliath’s background. There is probable cause to assume that Goliath knew another much older giant by the name of Og. Legend has it that Og was a survivor of the great flood. This would mean he had once lived in a time when certain sources claim there existed a vast program for cross breeding animals. Was Og the first person to make reindeer fly? Perhaps. If so, then maybe he passed this skill onto Goliath who revived it years later to assist him in his new identity.
So there it is, the untold story of Santa Claus, a.k.a. the Green Giant, a.k.a. Paul Bunyan, a.k.a. Goliath. A story of a huge heathen outlaw who migrated, after coming out a loser in a street fight, to the woods of Canada where he assumed a new name to accommodate his tremendous ego. Here, in the obscurity of the dense forest, he became Paul Bunyan. However, this seems to have been nothing more than a cover story. One that allowed him the secrecy needed to carry out his genetic engineering experiments, resulting in a string of now famous reindeer and an army of short merry toy makers. At some point he appears to have become dissatisfied with the life of a simple lumberjack and donned a new role as a legendary great present giver. Santa Claus, eventually and quietly, moved south to add to his glory by becoming a force in the canned food industry under a assumed name. Unfortunately, it seems, that old habits are hard to break, which is why the story of Santa Claus is tainted with the criminal behavior of breaking into people’s homes on a cold winter night. Thank goodness he has been able to control his urges and only gives into the compulsion once a year. Still, there is every reason to be concerned over his fondness for stuffing things into people’s socks. It would be hard to imagine what psychological implications could be deduced from such activity. Yet, there is cause to believe that Santa Claus genuinely regrets his sordid past. This is seen in his constant use of the phrase, "Ho, Ho, Ho." A simple phrase to those who do not know that in the ancient Hebrew tongue it is a lament that is pronounced, "Woe, Woe, Woe." At least for the present, one can take comfort in the knowledge that regardless of his other identities, Santa Claus is more preoccupied with making children happy at Christmas time than any other ventures. There was, of course, that time he had a relapse in the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk. But that’s another story.
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