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"When in Rome do as the Romans do" is a saying which I presume is as old as Rome itself. But why not in Paris, Warsaw, Moscow or New York? I don't know. Maybe it was first said in Rome. Maybe there is something unusual in Roman behavior that everyone who visits that old town wants to copy...
A few years ago I went to Rome and in attempt to learn something that I didn't know I watched the Romans with great interest. The saying was the saying, and maybe it was a real one but it was hard for me to make it work. First of all the Romans spoke their own language. Although the melodious words sounded in my ears like an opera aria, my effort to understand them was the same if I tried to understand what the singer on a real opera stage sang about. The Romans gesticulated a lot. Their hands were in constant motion. It seemed to me that if they couldn't convince one another by using words concerning a point, the hands made things perfectly clear. Especially one gesture assured me about that: a conversation was finished when one of the disputants touched his chin with his four fingers and then made a sudden move forward. That was it. It meant that he was fed up. So was I.
I couldn't do in Rome what the Romans did.
So I left Italy, heading for America with determination to find out whether when in America one did as Americans did. A few English lessons which I had taken in Poland before coming to America were supposed to help me in my observations, so it seemed that I was prepared better for the NEW.
"How are you?" was the first expression which Americans wanted me to acquire as a polite way of greeting and beginning a conversation. According to how I felt I used to answer: "I'm fine, thank you," or "Couldn't be better," or "I'm in a grim mood." But what surprised me was that every time Americans were asked "How are you?" they always said: "Fine", "Good", "I'm O.K." But their behavior, faces, eyes - everything belied they were fine, good or O.K. Even my friend who was bed-ridden at a hospital, when I asked him "How are you?” said "I'm fine". His answer made me laugh and I wanted to ask him "So, why are you at the hospital if you're fine?", but I couldn't do that to him. When he asked how I was, I answered in accordance with my feelings "Horrible! I've just bitten my tongue!"
Another thing which I had to get in the habit of doing was to mention the name of the person to whom I spoke.
Once I went to visit my American friends Susan and Peter and what I noticed during our conversation we had was that when they talked to each other there was no name mentioning. But when they addressed me, my name was in constant use as if they didn't want to forget to whom they were talking.
"We're very glad that you could make it, Rich," Peter said.
"I'm glad, too"
"Would you like something to drink, Rich?" asked Susan.
"What are you having?"
"We're drinking red wine, Rich."
"I'll have coffee if there won’t be a trouble."
"Are you a coffee drinker, Rich?" Susan got up and was heading for the kitchen.
"Well no, but I don't drink alcohol."
"Did you hear that?" Susan turned to her husband. "Are you sick, Rich?" she started to laugh.
"Do you know now that you are talking to me?" I have changed the subject of our conversation.
"Sure, we do. What do you mean? There are three of us here and the only Rich is you," Peter raised his eyebrows.
"So why do mention my name so often?"
"What?" they both exclaimed looking at each other.
If Mr. Smith introduced himself as Tom Smith and wanted me to call him Tom, it wasn't enough to say: "Good morning, Tom". His name had to be mentioned every time I opened my mouth to say something: "Yes, Tom", "No, Tom", "Of course, Tom", "I don't think so, Tom", "Don't be silly, Tom". It seemed to be normal to Mr. Smith, but to me it was funny. If we had just met, it was obvious that an introduction had to take place, and from that point on we knew each other, even our names. We knew with whom we talked. But thereafter repeating the name of someone in front of me was like learning a poem by heart.
It reminded me of a conversation with a man who made enormous efforts to pronounce my name correctly. After a few attempts which didn't bring him to sound it properly I made a proposition: "You don't need to repeat my name so often, but if you have to, just call me Richard."
Sometimes I was invited by someone to join him for lunch or dinner at a restaurant. I had a good time then until one word came up, which I had not paid any attention to before, and began to drill a hole in my brain. It was mentioned every time when the bill for our meal was brought and placed in front of the host of a party. "This is EXPENSIVE!" I heard then. "Look how much they charge for a simple meal! It is ridiculous! And look how much they charge for coffee! Two dollars!"
Well, well. We didn't prepare the meal, we didn't use our electricity to cook it, we were served, we didn't wash dishes, and even if we spilled our coffee, we didn't clean the table.
It was impossible for me to ever forget the word "EXPENSIVE" and it made me laugh every time I heard it. That word was as common as the name of Mr. Smith. What's more, it kept me awake at night because even sleeping was expensive. But then, if I died from exhaustion, that too would be expensive; somebody would have to bury me and keep my grave in good shape.
There is a Polish saying which is an equivalent to the Roman one: "When you find yourself among crows you have to croak as they croak". But I am not a crow. I am not Roman either. I am who I am.
But when I was in Rome I liked the characteristic move with their hand. Four fingers touched a chin and... I am fed up.
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