Hello, my name is BrytEyz, and I was Raped
Chapter 3
by
Mary -BrytEyz- Ball
(Age: 38)
copyright 05-30-2002
Age Rating: 18 to 127
He lay next to me and smiled with his head propped up on his hand. "You ok?"... What do I say? I don't dare anger the man that I thought was going to kill me. I just shook my head yes slowly searching his face to see if that’s the answer he was looking for. "Did it feel better after a bit?" I got angry...so angry. Better!?!?!? Better than fricking what?!?!? I just shook my head no as tears welled in my eyes and I waited for his wrath to come. "Oh shit! Don't cry! You’re gonna ruin everything! No fucking wonder they say not to fuck a freshman!" He got pissed and stormed off into the bathroom to clean himself. I laid there for a bit and then slowly tried to look down. My neck was so sore, my face felt bruised. I gasped when I saw all the blood on the sheets and all over my legs and stomach. I really felt sick now, but he was by the toilet and I didn't want to go anywhere near him even to throw up.
He came out and just looked at me for a moment. "Jesus Christ, stop crying already. You're ok! Go wash that shit off of you. You look a mess!" I felt so dirty, so...ugly. I hated "Beautiful" ... I hated ugly as well. I hated me.
I went to the bathroom and tried to wash up. I was so sore down there. My legs were weak, and my whole body was trembling, and my abdomen felt like I'd been socked a million times. I looked in the mirror. That was a mistake. My hair was a mess and my mascara was smeared from my tears and his hand, and it looked like war paint in angry streaks marring my chubby cheeks. I washed my face and finally felt like I could breathe again tho my chest still felt like an elephant was sitting on it... *sigh*
When I went back out there, I had a towel in front of me and was looking for my dress. I couldn't find it. "Where's my dress?" I asked with a shaky voice. He just smiled. He had put the blankets over the bloody mess and was lying there naked with that disgusting wilted puke pole resting limply on his thigh. He was disgusting!
"Come here, Baby,” he commanded. "I want my dress!" I whispered.
"Oh! Now she's getting demanding? I don't think you are in a position to be demanding. It's a long walk home especially when you don't have any clothes on. There are bad people out there, and they could do a lot worse things that what we just did."
WE!?!?! I didn't do ANYTHING! He did it all! That jerk! He was trying to include me into the equation as if I'd consented or something!!! Grrrr.... "Come here!" he snapped. The thought of the knife came back to mind and I glanced around quickly but didn't see one. I got scared all over and my legs practically gave out as began to walk to him.
He pulled me back down on the bed and made me lay in front of him facing away from him so he could spoon behind me. He draped his arm over my waist and clicked on the TV. He started to watch something, but I couldn't tell you what. I closed my eyes and began to drift off as his laughter echoed in the recesses of my mind.
I awoke suddenly to another sharp pain. My sight came into focus and there he was, on top of me again... smiling. I hated that smile!!! His hand was already in its position over my mouth, my legs were draped over his shoulders, and he was donning this sickening smile. He told me that this time it would feel better, and continue to feel better and better each time I had sex from now on. “I WOULD NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!” I silently swore to myself. I hated sex. I hated Steve!!!
It didn’t feel so slippery this time with each of his beast like thrusts and grunting. I felt my vaginal lips pull, tug, and rip with each slam into me and it hurt ... A LOT! He came much quicker this time. Once again he pulled out and went to cum on my stomach but I shoved him off and he came on the blanket instead. I don't know where I found the strength, but I just shoved him off me. I was angry. I was more than a catch basin for his stinky semen! I looked all over for my clothes and found them under the bed. He just laughed and giggled to himself as he began to get dressed.
"I guess you think you’re ready to go home now?" I froze. What did he mean by that? Would he take me home? What was he planning on doing? I figured whatever happened... I didn't want my mother to find my dead body naked. At least I'd be clothed. I got dressed and went to leave. All of a sudden his hand came from out of nowhere and slammed the door shut. His arm was not a foot next to my head and I stood, frozen with fear, staring at the door.
He leaned in close behind me and said, "I'm going to take you home now. If you ever tell anyone what we did here (there's that damned "WE" business again) I'll kill you~! I don't want anyone to find out I took a freshman out. I'd lose all my friends." With that he took my hand and led me out of the Jo-El motel room and to the car.
He opened the car door for me like he did before. Earlier that night I thought that was such a gentlemanly gesture. Now everything he did made me sick. I wanted to look around, see if anyone was watching, and scream to them not to be fooled, he was NO gentleman! The only people I saw were the hookers looking for business in the corner of the parking lot smiling knowingly at me... and then there was the drunken slob who passed out leaning up against the garbage bin with puke stains on his shirt.
Steve took me home, walked me to the door, and kissed me softly on the cheek. He smiled a little and whispered that I had his number if I wanted to go out again sometime. Then he said he had a great time, walked back to his blue Chevy Nova, and drove away... slowly and calmly. I let myself in and my mother was in the bathroom. Good! I went to my room, brushed my hair, and quickly applied some fresh make up. My mom came in as I was getting my flannel nightgown out of the closet.
"How'd it go hun?" She smiled so lovingly. Gosh, I loved her! I couldn't hurt her and tell her what I'd done. Look at that... now "I" was including myself in the blame as well. Oh well, it was my fault, right? I should have never gone into that hotel room with Steve. I should have called my mom from the friend's house where everyone was doing drugs. I'd never seen drugs before...and that in itself frightened me. "It was ok. I didn't like the movie."
"Why not sweetie?" and Mom put her arm around me. Oh God! Could she smell it? I'd be grounded for sure! "I'm not feeling well, I feel dizzy. Maybe that's why I didn't enjoy it much."
"Well, I'm sure my baby's very first date took a lot out of her." (God! Like you don't even know, mom! ... Like you don't even know! And please… don’t call me baby anymore… not ever again.)
"I won't make you talk about the movie if you didn't like it. I'll just go see it myself then." I thought to myself, "Please don't ask me what movie it was, please don't ask me!" I couldn’t remember what movie I told her I was supposed to see. She smiled and left me alone.
I put on my nightgown, washed my face, brushed my teeth with my Care Bears toothbrush, and slipped beneath my ten tattered blankets as the icy winter breeze found its way thru the cracked window caulking forming sheets of blurry ice on the windows. I briefly saw my breath form silky streaks of steam in the invading winter breeze blowing thru the cracked caulk in my window before I set my alarm clock radio to play for twenty minutes and turned out the light. I closed my eyes and began to cry silently so my mother wouldn't hear me. The streaming hot tears stung my cold face in that run down, white trash, section eight supported, and cockroach-infested apartment. The song on the radio stabbed deep into my pounding head, and accusingly echoed its message…. It was "Rapper's Delight"....
"Jo-El Mo-Tel -
Holiday Inn -
If your friend starts acting up -
Then you take her friend!
I said, Ooops -
Ups -
Side your head -
I say oops ups side your head!
Jack and Jill went up the hill -
To have a little fun -
Stupid Jill forgot her pill -
And now they have a son!
I said ooops -
Ups -
Side your head -
I say oops ups side your head!
Now he's your boyfriend -
I do suppose-
Flying thru the air -
In his panty hose...
Well, he may satisfy you -
With his little worm -
But I'll bust you out -
With my super sperm!
I say OOPS -
UPS -
SIDE YOUR HEAD....
OOPS UPS SIDE YOUR HEAD!"
@~~ @~~ @~~
I’ve posted this so that anyone else who has experienced something similar will not feel alone. The first thing I remember them telling me in counseling after my father sexually abused us was that IT WAS NOT our fault. Second… we are not alone, we are not freaks, and we are not BAD!!! If you need someone to talk to, I am here. I am no doctor or psychologist…but I can be an ear to hear and a shoulder to lean on. To any man who has done this… FUCK YOURSELF!!! My apologies… let yourself into a private room and self fornicate. Is that politically correct?
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Thank you, Emily. I appreciate that you've read my story. I realize that it's long. I realize it's not upbeat and happy... but sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes we need truth!
It is difficult to share my pain. It's difficult to admit it happened. At first I felt like I did something wrong. And because I didn't scream... well, I felt it was not rape and it must be my fault for not fighting and struggling. I didn't have bruises. I didn't have scratch marks. Who would believe me? And does being frozen with fear really count as being held captive... like being held by gun point or being tied up? Well, I used to wonder, but now I don't. I KNOW he used fear to keep me there and to force me to do those things and let him take my virginity.
It took years for me to realize he was the criminal and I was the victim. It took years for me to believe that I did nothing to encourage his actions and it was HIS fault.
Finally... after even more time... I found the courage to help others the way I wish I could've been helped when it happened to me. Perhaps it wouldn't have taken me so long to get over it. Maybe it wouldn't have taken so long to heal. The scars it left... they might not have been so visible and so ugly had I had help in the beginning, or at least known that I was not the only one this happens to.
If I've helped only ONE rape victim, then sharing my story was worth it.
Again, thank you for reading, rating, and commenting. It means the world to me.
It takes great courage to speak out like that the courage you obviously have!! many people never can talk about it i still can't and i dont think i will but i'm proud of myself as i've managed to talk about other problems and over come them and settle down with the right person for the right reasons. Your story has told me that in time maybe i can talk and finally overcome everything i think your very brave and make a good role model for other people that have suffered the same....
Thank you, Anthony, and all those who've read/commented. If my sharing my story helps even ONE person deal with their own tragedy, then it was worth the pain in writing it. Life good, folks... if we choose it. Just as happiness is a choice. No doubt, bad things happen, but it's up to us if we're going to be a life long victim and let that badness ruin who we are and determine what we will become... or... if WE will make who we are and determine what we will become. Kudos to the survivors of the world! (And everyone can be a survivor!)
They say that time will help, but that can't be true if you hold on to the memories. I don't know how you would get rid of those memories, I never have. The stories are all a little different, but the problem remains the same. Why? Only God can answer that question, but I don't believe that even God can believe what the devil can think of. Mary, I will most likely never meet you in person, but if I were to,I would tell you that you are an insperation to those that have been there and been forced to do that! I wanted to comment on the other chapters, but saved my stupid words for this( no words can make this go away). Thank you for your courage to talk about what happened, for myself it will never happen for I can't bring it up from the depth that I have burried it! Thanks, Anthony
Hello, I'm reading again. Engineering school keeps me very busy. I to wish that things like this did not happen in our world. I hope your message reaches many and that perhaps someday a stop can be put to this.
you are not alone. How we who are with you wish to God you were, wish that there aren't millions of women all over the world, who, like you, have been violated this way. How we wish we had borne this by ourselves, that in all our horror and shame, we could at least know that no one else has ever had to survive what we did. But we are not alone...so instead, we will rally together and do better than what we were given. We will survive, we will overcome, and while he (or she) may have taken our virginity, our innocence, our trust, we will deny them our lives now. I am still haunted, still hurt by what he did to me, to my family...and what he is still doing now, vicariously. But I can keep him in prison. I can educate the other girls and women in my life. I can help them see that we are not to blame, and love them when they think no one else can. I can show them the love of a loving God who longs to wipe away the stain of rape from us, and who wants to make us stronger. God did not want rape to happen, but he wanted us to choose to love Him...which means we can also choose not to love Him, to seperate ourselves from Him, and to do these horrific things to each other. But He is waiting, with arms wide open, to love and comfort you as no one else can.
I too have experienced something like that and I too am writing about it. I'm thankful to have stumbled over this. I have doubted myself over the years. I'm thankful to hear that it happens the same way to many women and that I wasn't the cause or at fault. Thank you for your strength.
I really don't know what to say. It must have been awful living through that and then living with the memory of it. I wish things like this didn't happen.
Dear Mary,
This was a very disturbing piece. Your vivid descriptions capture the horror, anguish and pain you were put through at such a tender age. One can only marvel after reading this at your tenacity to survive and live a normal, healthy life in view of such a horrific experience.
I really admire you for your courage and willingness to share in hopes of helping someone else. You write excellent!
Welcome !
