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Del Ray the Dufus
Does anyone know if there’s an after-market for iron lungs? I’ve, shall we say, acquired one of the things. Honestly, I took it in trade for a bunch of old baseball cards I found lying around in this shack I came across while hiking in the Adirondacks. They were totally worthless to me… who’s ever heard of Tris Speaker or Jimmy Foxx or Tyrus Raymond Cobb, anyway? There was one of Mickey Mantle in there, but it was his rookie card, so I figured it probably wasn’t worth much.
Well, I put them in a shoebox I found, and carried them all the way back to camp, where (being all smart and all) I hid them under my sleeping bag. I’m sure that if anyone had investigated, they’d probably just have decided that it was a small square pillow.
After supper, I went down to the pond to wash up my mess kit, and when I came back, I found Del Ray Finch sitting on my sleeping bag, going through those cards! He had this glazed look in his eyes and I think he’d been smoking crack or something, because all he did was ask where I got my box of cards over and over and over. When I finally got him calmed down, he says, “Bubba, these guys on these cards are all wanted by the FBI and if you get caught with these, you’re going to Leavenworth for sure!”
I looked at him and, of course, he’d taken on the persona of a gasping tuna, his eyes bugging out of his head and his mouth doing that little sucking thing… it was all I could do to get his attention. I tried to get him to make eye-contact with me, and he may have, I’m not sure, but I decided to press the issue a little.
“Uh-huh. Well, let me see if I understand this, Del Ray, since they’re such a problem, what do you propose I do with them? It wouldn’t require you holding onto them for me, would it?” (I was being real calm-like… and coy, too. I didn’t want him to smell fear.)
“Well, I don’t know, Bubba… I suppose I could… if you promise not to tell anyone else I have them. I don’t need the Feds showing up down at the cement plant!”
“Yea… of course not, Del Ray, of course not. Yea…”
I was still mulling it over in my mind, all scientific-like, making sure he wasn’t trying to break something off in my anal orifice, so to speak, when he says “Listen, Bubba, I tell you what…”
Here we go…
“I’ve… I’ve…” Now, he was looking down at the ground, stutterin’ like Mel Tillis trying to introduce Roy Clark on the stage of the Grand Ole’ Opry.
“Look, Bubba, just forget I offered. I shouldn’t have even gotten involved in this. I’ll just forget what I’ve seen and…”
“Whoa there, Del Ray! Hold your cotton-pickin’ horses just a stretch…” This poor, pitiful, absolute shell of a man was genuinely afraid, so I figured, you know, me being the sort of fearless guy that I am and all, I didn’t want to see him go through all this. I needed to bolster his confidence and keep him from losing face in the presence of one of his slightly-superior chums… an alpha-male, I guess you’d say…
“Listen, buddy (I always call him that when I’m talking down to him but don’t want to let him know)… let’s do this… why don’t you go ahead and hold onto those cards for me awhile, seeing as how you’re so nonchalant and all… and I’ll just act like nothing has happened. How would that be?”
The boy’s demeanor changed and he lost that fish-eyed look almost instantaneously! I thought he was going to kiss me full on the mouth! Then, just as quick, he got all serious-like, and looked around to make sure no one was watching us. “Bubba,” he whispered “I’ll do it, but there’s something you gotta do for me, too…”
Next thing I know, there’s an iron lung machine in my garage. It’s neat, too… even if I do have to park my car outside now. I think I’ll hold onto it awhile. It’ll make a nice warm incubator for my worms in the winter, and I’m having it put in my will that they should use it for my coffin, when the time comes. Besides, I doubt I could get much for it, these days, since they wiped out polio.
Funny, though… Del Ray disappeared with those cards. I hope the FBI didn’t get him, but that’s just his tough luck, isn’t it? A deal’s a deal. That poor dumb-bunny should never have negotiated with the master...
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