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My sister Barb and I have been very much interchangeable throughout our lives. When we were younger, we looked enough alike (to others) that people asked if we were twins. We'd say no, so then they'd ask us if we were sisters. (This was too tempting, and obvious....) We'd answer, usually in chorus, No, we're brothers. (We are not amused, was the usual response). For a time, I worked as a Ward Clerk in the same hospital as my sister. She was a nurse in ICU, and I was "the cluck" in Emergency. At that time, people often mistook us for the other, both having long straight blondish hair, and big noses. And both being thin to the point of anorexia (though neither of us had that disease, we were just hyperactive, with fast metabolisms). We also sound much the same and use the same type of gestures when we are speaking with someone.
When Barb married, I just did not like her husband. So, being the (nice) person I am, I baited him at every opportunity. He didn't like me much either. I was in the "I am Woman, Hear Me Roar" phase in my life, and I just couldn't stand his traditional approach to things, especially things female or wifely. I had fun, he did not.
When Barb's daughter was about 8 years old, Barb decided that for that summer vacation, she would send her family away to Alberta to visit with my sister Betty, and her family, and she would stay home "and look after the cat". Good plan. Always thinking, my Barb. They were going on a camping trip in the car, and he was no pleasure on long drives or camping, and besides, Barb really was sick of camping by that time. (My idea of 'roughing it' has always been a Holiday Inn with no pool). I do not camp either, so her decision to stay home made perfect sense to me.
After Nicky and her dad left, Barb and I started planning things to do. Top of the list was to go to a steakhouse that was very popular, but fairly casual, where we could have wine and a leisurely dinner, and then go to the lounge and have some more leisurely. (My brother-in-law, Barb's husband, was rather stiffly formal and unbending, so we knew we'd have a good time just the two of us). It was time to let 'er rip!!!!
Well, so off to the restaurant we went. We were in good moods to start off with, without the wet blanket to drag us down. When we were being seated, Barb leaned forward as the waiter pulled out the chair. As she leaned forward, she struck her head on the lamp, which was hanging fairly low above the table. The lamp started wildly swing back and forth on it's tether. This sent me into hysterics, with Barb following quickly behind.
I had just about finished laughing, when this young couple looked over at us, sneered, scowled and looked away (as in averted their eyes). I suppose they didn't want us to feel embarrassed for our public outburst and faux pas of hitting the lamp (which was still swinging back and forth like a pendulum above the table). This 'tsk tsk' look was too much for me, and I pointed it out to Barb, and we had another round of peals of hysterical laughter. I'm sure they thought that we were siamese twins, separated at birth, but neither got the brain.
Let me point out that at this point in the evening, neither of us had even had a drink yet. We were high on freedom, a heady potion. The waiter, whose name I don't recall now, saved the young couple from further embarrassment (I think it was to save them, since Barb and I were certainly NOT embarrassed), and came to take our drink and food orders. He invited us to go to the salad bar. (Oh, oh, faux pas #2 coming right up....). We got our salads, and back to the table without further incident. (Boring!) But, when we began to eat our salads....I always cut my cherry tomatoes in half before I eat them..Barb didn't. So, as we made quiet conversation, Barb popped a cherry tomato in her mouth, bit down, and shot the contents of that tomato straight across the table. She looked at me, eyes wide, with horror, and I burst out laughing. She soon joined in, commenting that if she had been dining with her husband, he would have gotten up and moved to another table, pretending not to know her. This sent me off yet again into (almost) ROFLMAO!!!
I happened to glance at our hapless couple sitting not ten feet away, and they were darting looks at us and whispering, (a lot of head shaking going on over there). This made me point out to Barb that we were being watched by the decorum police, and off we went again into gales of laughter. The more we laughed, the more they whispered and shook their heads and shot us looks of disapproval. We finally recovered from that bout, and dinner was served. We got through the rest of the dinner without further incident, and our waiter, beaming at us (how proud he was that we had not (yet) destroyed or defaced the place), came to take the plates and offer us coffee.
We both ordered coffee, and when he brought it, he brought with it a little metal, rounded bottom creamer. (Can you see it coming??? Faux Pas #3!!!) Barb picked up the creamer, started to pour some into her cup, and managed somehow to completely miss the cup and pour it all over the table. (Okay, just so you know, we did have a bottle of wine with dinner...). I watched, helplessly laughing my you-know-what off, as the cream slowly advanced across the table towards my lap.
As the cream approached slow, but steady, I calmly moved my chair back, so that it would miss me and fall on the patterned carpet. (We had given up our napkins with our plates, and so had nothing to mop up the spill). Just as the cream reached the lip of the table, our heroic waiter swooped down like an avenging angel, and caught the spill. He then proceeded to wipe the table up. We were still in hysterics, and the couple were just about beside themselves, pointing, whispering, head shaking...Talk about a lot of activity going on in one small corner of the restaurant. When the waiter returned with more cream, Barb reached up to take the cream pitcher from his tray, and he slapped her hand!!! (Not hard..but, once again, we were lost in the jungle of hysteria). (Whisper whisper, point, head shake, went the couple). I must admit, they had perfect manners otherwise. And didn't like to cause a scene (obviously). Nor did they wish to witness one.
As we drank our coffee, the young couple decided to leave, there was really no point in staying around trying to be romantic and have a quiet tete-a-tete with two lunatics sitting there laughing hysterically at nothing, and most certainly embarrassing themselves, after all. As they got up to leave, Barb and I glanced over their way, just in time for both of us to witness the young man's romantic relationship disintegration. While getting to his feet, he struck the overhead lamp with his head, sending it careening back and forth (much like my sister did on our arrival). That really tore it!! We were in tears by this time...my stomach and throat hurt from laughing so much. The young man left in utter disgrace with his tail between his legs, towed behind his girlfriend (ex?). Barb's parting shot: "looks like perfect husband material to me". And off we went again......
Author's Note: We gave our waiter a really good tip for putting up with us, and he thanked us for the most amusing night he'd ever had while working there.
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