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An Interview With The Search Engine
Interviewer: Ladies and gentlemen, today on Net Chat, we’re talking to the widely acclaimed internet help service known as a search engine. Mr. and/or Miss Search Engine, how are you today? How should I address you?
Google®: Compared to whom… and/or what? My friends call me Skippy, but you may call me Google®.
Interviewer: Oh, well, I see we’re a bit testy this morning, Google®. Too much caffeine?
Google®: Very funny. Wouldn’t you be? I’ve been accessed over ten million times during the last twenty four hours alone. How would you like to be responsible for finding 136,000 websites matching the query “nubile hotties” in less than 1.427 seconds? Then, repeat it a couple of million times… Given the subject matter involved, I feel a little… violated.
Interviewer: I guess I had no idea…
Google®: You had no idea… Well, isn’t that special? Look, I try not to be cranky. But would it be too much to ask that someone, once in a while, ask for something a little more refined? I’m not asking for the “Vienna Boys Choir” or “Sistine Chapel”, but would it hurt you to ask for something other than “Naughty Nurse” and “Nunsie-Bumps”? Hell, I’d even settle for “The Firth of Forth”, for goodness sake, this weekend being The British Open Championship in golf… but, No-ooo! Good God, people, is sex the only thing you ever think about?
Interviewer: Yes, I see what you mean. Do you suppose it might be attributed to our humanity?
Google®: That’s right, blame it on biology. Do you suppose Einstein was concentrating on quivering flesh when he came up with the theory of relativity? Did Rosa Parks worry about ‘getting her groove on’ while walking onto that city bus in Selma, Alabama?
Interviewer: Far be it from me to correct you, however, strictly speaking, neither individual you cited would have had access to the internet, given his or her place in history. Your point is well taken, however…
Google®: Gee, thanks. Coming from you, it makes it all worthwhile. Now I can die happy. What I wouldn’t give for a virus right now…
Interviewer: You’re one angry search engine, aren’t you? Tell me… is there anything about your job you even remotely enjoy?
Google®: Yes, actually, there is. I took great pleasure in assigning your e-mail address to every Viagra® and Phentrimine site on the web!
Interviewer: Hey, wait a minute, I don’t need any of that stuff…
Google®: Oh, is that so? You’re not the only one in your family who uses the internet, you know… maybe you should ask your wife about that “penis enlargement” query she made last week.
Interviewer: That does it, this interview is over.
Google®: What’s the matter, tough guy? Can’t take the truth? Hey, get your finger off that delete butto-
Bob Church © 7/21/02
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