You Were My Friend
by
Beverley McInnis
copyright 07-02-2001
Age Rating: 18 to 127
You were my friend
Another ally in the dark of night
When I couldn’t sleep
Because shift work through off my
Internal clock
I’d look out my bedroom window
And see
Your lights shining bright
In your apartment
So I’d go over
Accept the beer
And give you a back massage
Only as friends
Never as lovers
We talked
And laughed
While the moon shone bright
And others snored in their sleep
We often joked about how those day people
Missed out on the mysteries of night
And all that came with the shadows
That followed one as you walked across an
Icy river with no streetlights, only the moon
One night
While we were sharing a beer
After you had your back massage
And I worked out all the tension in your shoulders
You asked if I’d accompany you
To a very important dinner
Taken back, I choked on the beer
You patted my back laughing
Only as friends
Not as lovers
I dressed up to do you honour
You were very impressed and taken back
I felt beautiful and important
Going to this important dinner
All the small talk
Looking over towards you and catching your eye
Smiling
It felt good to be free of the abuse
Of the ties that had bound me to men
Before I met you
It felt wonderful to be with a friend
Who didn’t want more
Who appreciated all I had to offer
Who loved me for who I was
And who didn’t want sex
Didn’t want power
Just desired a friend
Or so I thought
I remember how we tumbled into your truck
Laughing
You were so high on life and alcohol
I saw the northern lights
You took me to them
Minus 40
Driving on the solid ice
Of the Mackenzie River
Even now its hard to describe the intensity of nature
No street lights
No sounds of society
Only one lone wof howled then became silent
All I heard was the crackling, the hissing, the noise
Of those beautiful northern lights
Dancing
Blues, Greens, Purples, Yellows, Pinks
I laughed
Jumped out of the truck
Tucking my head inside the hood of my parka
Shivering yet unwilling to return inside the
Steel cage which drowned out the magic of the night
You laughed and grabbed a sleeping bag
Threw me up on the hood of the truck
Wrapped me in it and told me to lay back
Against the cold smooth icy windsheild
Enjoy the lights
I was mezmorized
I became lost in the lights
In the magic
In nature
Hands, grabbing, pulling, tugging
What the hell?
I pulled out of my stupor
You were on me
Tugging at my parka
Trying to undo the zipper
The coldness of the night seeping in
Had nothing on how I suddenly felt within my heart
I pushed at you
You were larger, bigger, drunk
I shoved and yelled
Till you fell off the truck with a heavy thud
And I demanded to be taken home
You cried
Apologised
It was only the booze
You said
And my beauty
And the lights
It would never happen again
I believed you
Still
I cried silent tears that you never saw
As we drove home
I wish that was the end
I wish I could say I simply walked out
I wish I had not believed you
But you were my friend
My companion in the night
My refuge when the world turned cold
And not from the sub arctic winds that howled off the ice
You convinced me to come upstairs
For coffee
To apologise
To make up for the stupid actions of a stupid man
My guts screamed NO
As I walked up the stairs
You shut the door
After I walked inside
You showed me your bedroom
Filled with pictures of naked women
And you laughed
Thinking I’d get hot
As I turned to leave
Realizing my refugee was turning into a perverted torture chamber
You pushed me into the corner
Hands grabbing
Pulling
Tugging
That laughter
I’ll never forget that laughter
Finally I pushed you away
Ran for the bathroom door
Slamming shut
Crying, shaking, unable to believe
My safe haven was now under attack
Once again I had believed the lies
That door
How it didn’t break
I don’t know
With you pushing on it and threatening to take it down
What changed?
You told me to leave
I opened the door slowly
And crept out like a thief in the night
Taking with me the shame
And the blame
And all the responsibility for what happened
Months later
My roommate tells me
You had done this to her
And to others
Only we all stayed silent
Trapped in our shame
We warned the next
She couldn’t believe
He was so kind, so nice, such a teddy bear
But she knew
We wouldn’t lie
Later
When you left town
Those cleaning your room were horrified
At the porngraphy found
Under the bed
Of children
Pillar of the community
Solid working man
Friend to everyone
Boy Scout Leader
Liar
Cheat
Abuser
Rapist
How could we all have been so blind?
It took me a long time
To look at the northern lights without pain
And now
I can tell the story and capture the magic
Of that night
Without the rest
I’m only sorry
I didn’t leave you to the wolves
Or drown you in the waters
Under the frozen
Mackenzie River
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So well told, so deeply hurtful, we keep believing, we keep trying. We don't want to misjudge. Good that you found out others had the experience, good to get the hurt out.
Thank you Robert. For the record, this occurred 18 years ago. It was a closed issue within a year after it occured, for me. Then this year, I sat at the computer and this poem unfolded. I'm not sure where it came from nor why...it simply wrote itself.
Thank you Mary and Rachel. It was one of those poems which came from no where, exhausted me and when done, I felt instant relief. Didn't even know it was hiding away inside. :0)
By the way, Rachel, there was nothing to kick. **g** Believe me! (oooh, aren't I nasty)
Cold and bitter. Heartwrenching. The worst thing is silence, tho it feels at the time that the worst thing is admittance. I should write about all my experiences. Perhaps it will touch someone like yours touched me.
Welcome !
