It was hot outside. I have no clue why Lita wnated us to run on such a day. "Lita can we stop!" Raye shouted.
"Sure!" Lita stopped. Sha hadn't even broken a sweat! I gasped breath. Mina leaned on my back and we both sunk onto the cool grass. "I..hate..this." I panted.
"No kiddn'." Mina sighed.
"Hey guys!" Up came Rini and Brev they both had just been to the ice cream parlor I hated them.
"Hey would you guys like some water?" Brev held out a blue water bottel. I took it. Mina and the others glared at me. "Here." Rini handed Ami her pink water bottel. We all drank them. Brev sat down in the garss next to Lita. Both here and Lita had a strong body, good for fighting, and both had the most beutiful green eyes. Rini sat next to me, I mostly hated her for her soft light hair, thats it! I sighed as I leaned back on Mina. Ami started to talk. "I heard that school was opening late this year. To bad."
"To bad? That's pure gold!" Mina sighed.
"Yeah I like longer summer." Lita said.
"But not this heat!" Raye said waving her hand like a fan.
"Yeah it's way to hot." Mina sighed.
"Yeah." Brev and Rini said. Suddenly out of no where 3 joggers plowed right threw us.
"HEY COME BACK HERE!" Both Lita and Brev yelled. They stopped and turned around. It was the Three Lights! Yaten, Taiki, and Seyia! "Huh?" Rini and Brev didn't know who they were. So they were still mad. They were laughing the three lights. "Got you girls!" Yaten laughed.
"It's so easy to get you." Taiki laughed.
"It's nice to see you." Seyia said.
"Same for you. Why didn't you call us?" Mina said.
"Lost track of time." Yaten smiled.
"Well you better make time!" I said. The warm air got hotter, then it got freezing cold. And we were all wearing tanks and shorts. "How did it get so cold?" Rini shuddered.
"I don't know but we better huddel." Brev said putting her arm around Rini. All of did that. It started to snow. "It's July!" I yelled.
"That won't do no good Serena!" Lita said.
It looked blue now. The ice and snow colder now. I shook with cold. I looked over at Rini. She was totally blue. Brev was blue on her lips but that was all she was strong. "We better get out of here!" Raye said we all moved to the closet house which was Haruka's and Michel's. We knocked on the door. Haruka answered. She gasped as we entered. "How did it get so cold out?" Haruka said wrapping blankets around us. I couldn't talk my motuh was frozen shut. Michel made hot coco and Hotaru was making a fire. Rini was still blue she must have gotten frost bite. I sat next to her. Brev was doing all she could. She had even given up her blanket and coco to give to Rini. Setsuna came over to help us. She checked Rini. "She's gotten a bad case of frost bite for sure." She rubbed some of that vixs vapor stuff on her hands.
"Will I die?" Rini coughed.
"No just be weak for a while child." Setsuna said.
We had to saty at Haruka's house for the door froze shut.
"What can we do?" Raye said.
"Not much. Unless you want to change into Sailor Mars and burn down the door." I said. I sighed and wondered if Darien was okay. I saw Brev sigh. She must be wondering about Leon. Just then a big burst of snow plowed the door down. And out of it came a figure. It was Darien! He came to save us. He closed the door. Leon was also with him! I saw Rini. I knew she was dying. With nothing for us to do but watch. I cried as Rini coughed and Darien comforted me. I sobbed "It's all my fault." And with a tear the room vanished into a black pit.
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you recommend or rate the work highly...
Good first chapter. There are a few spelling mistakes and grammar problems. It seemed to go a little fast. Other than that it was good. Ditto to what Sam said. Talk to you later.
~Alma H.
Quite a few spelling errors, but I rather like how the story is beginning. I stress this with every story I read, as well as every Sailor Moon fan fic I read: description, description, description! Firstly, what if someone who has never seen or heard of Sailor Moon decided to read your story? They'd want to know what Serena looks like, Raye, Lita, etc... and also, too much dialog, and it becomes a play basically. Tell us where everyone is? In a school yard? A park? In front of an apartment building? What city, or country? What's the weather like outside? Also, distinguish personalities a bit more. Serena is a big whiner, so incorporate that! Raye can be hot headed, Lita boy crazy, Amy smart, and Mina rather star struck. Use these qualities to your advantage! If you heed my bits of advice, you'll have one rocking story!
If you need help with anything, you can e-mail me. I'd love to help you perfect this story :)
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