Only My Big Toe
by
Beverley McInnis
copyright 07-14-2001
Age Rating: 18 to 127
Exhausted I crawl into bed at night
Only the demons refuse to leave my dreams
The chaos of the day replays like a bad video
Echoing hatred strongly screaming
Until I place my hands over my ears
Still
It doesn’t stop the words
You’re stupid
You’re ugly
You’re fat
Like knives cutting in my skin, the tears flow down
I yell back
No
I’m not
You’re the idiot
You’re the twit
Doors slamming
Feet running
Shaken awake I look around confused
Why are you standing at my bed looking so afraid?
The colour drained from your face
Why is there blood on my hands?
Why is there pain in my head?
I push you away and tell you
Leave me alone, I hate you
Then throw up
The anger unable to stay inside
Unable to hide
Flows over the sheets and onto the floor
I feel a cool cloth going over my face
In a daze, I find myself being walked to the bathroom
You begin to change my pajamas and I rip at your hands
Pinching you, biting
You have to stop
Stop now!
No more, I don’t want to hurt no more
I cringe in the corner, afraid of the night
I give up; I have no more fight
I succumb to the pain that I know is coming
Then I focus and see your tears
As you wash away the blood
As you gently push back my hair
Confused
I see the scratch marks on your face
I lightly touch the bruise beginning to form on your cheeks
I hear only soft words, kind words
I love you
It’s going to be okay
You’re safe now
No one will hurt you anymore
And then a hug
I fight I struggle
But you won’t let me leave
Finally
I allow the softness, the security to enter in
But only in my big toe
I must not give you too much
Because tomorrow you could be gone
And I’ll be back
Where the demons live
In the dark of the night
Where there are no cool cloths
Or hugs
To chase away the fright.
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WOW! As a teacher, I see so much of this and feel so helpless because there is only so much I can do. I do hope that by listening to these children, to hug them, to make them feel something is right in their lives even for the brief time they are in my class, and to make them feel they are worthy human beings is something I hope I provide them with to guide them through their pain. Powerful stuff Beverley!
Exellent Bev, what more can I say? Well I can say that you have created a masterpiece here that should be seen by many. The way that you have written this, (As always) Brings vivid images that are hard to ignore.
To capture my mind with your writing is a great thing Bev as I am fussy about what I read, (As you know.) To capture these feelings which other can relate to and understand the true meaning of your words is brilliant.
Welcome !
