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Well, we agreed to just be friends and write only friendly letters. I got another email account so she wouldn’t know who was writing him if she got into his mail again. We still wrote as before, only there was so much unsaid between the lines. It was so hard to write him as merely a friend and not mention my feelings in any way! One day I had to say something. I wrote that I had this friend, and he was very special to me. I said I loved my friend very much. I told him how my friend meant the world to me, and so on. I said I missed knowing all my friend’s thoughts as well. He wrote me back, and plainly stated that he would never ever stop loving me. He said to hold on to our memories deep in my heart. He said to never let them go! Then we wrote more freely, trying always to be good, and yet at least once in every letter we would end up saying something. It was like torture trying to be friends. We saw each other every day in the chats and wrote daily in the email. He still called once or twice, but not as often, as she didn’t go out so much anymore.
Can you guess what happened next? She found them again! This time, she caught me on the chats and asked if I was waiting for her husband, I said I was not, I was an op there in that particular channel so I had to be there. She said she was going to call my husband again. I feel so bad about what happened next; I lied to her. I told her he already left me, and it would do her no good to call. It killed me to lie to her. She had done nothing to me. Here I was lying to her. It was I who had done wrong. I was the "other" woman I had always despised in these kinds of situations. I had done what I always said I never would! It was like some sort of trap, which sucked me in and wouldn’t let me go. I didn’t want to let go. I told her he meant nothing to me. (He had told me after the first time she caught us, he explained to her that I meant nothing to him and it was just something to do for fun, that it was just a fling, nothing important, and just words.) I told her the same thing this time in hopes it would correspond with what ever it was he had told her this time. She yelled at me for about an hour... I just apologized and kept my calm.
Well, I did not receive another letter from him in months. I know he still had computer access. I saw his name on the chats. I didn’t send him a message there for the longest time afraid it was her trying to trap me. Do you know how hard it was to see him right there and not say a word!?!?! AArrgghhh! I was in so much turmoil. Well, I finally did message him. I was under another name and chatted like I was a stranger. I found out it was him, and his wife was at work. I started to ask questions about his brother visiting and such so he would know it was I. He knew I think from the beginning though that it was me.
I finally typed that I was sorry if things in his life were not good for whatever reasons. He typed... "No, it is I who should be saying sorry." I said I have email that no one else knows about except a special friend of mine, and I wish to let him know he could write me. He said my friend must be special, to have a mailbox solely for his letters! I said yes. I asked if they had Internet cafes there still and could he ever go there to write any special friends he had. He said yes, and that it sounded like a good idea. I told him I checked every day for a letter from my friend, and then said I had better go before my dots (………) turned into words and became more than just thoughts in the back of my mind. I said I’d better go before I typed things I shouldn’t. He agreed and we ended the conversation.
I didn’t hear from him for a long time. I began to think I never would again. I still don’t know if this whole thing was purely selfish on my part, or if you really cant help falling in love. I felt like I couldn’t help it. Honestly though, I know deep inside that I always wanted to hear Fame say he loved me, even way back in high school. He told me to hold on to the memories deep in my heart. I do. I can't bring myself to message him again in the chats. I see him there, but I wont be like some kind of desperate girl that haunts him and wont leave him alone. I have to admit; I don’t know why he has chosen to end the friendship. I don't know why he has not messaged me in the chats. It’s probably an easy answer staring me in the face that I refuse to acknowledge. We are always in the same room together. I wonder if he looks always at my name in the room like I look at his... Hmmmm. I don’t know. I'm not sure I'll ever know. It doesn’t appear he wishes to talk again ever. Sigh.
I think perhaps he was going thru rough times with his wife, and that he needed something to fill the void. He thought she was cheating on him, and it would eventually be over with them. I think he needed assurance someone would still want him, or that he was still attractive or something. When she read our letters, said she loved him and didn’t want to lose him. Well, he patched things up with her. I understand that. That was what should have happened. I only wish he would have told me more what was going on with his side so I didn’t keep waiting and wondering on this side. That wouldn’t have helped me feel any better really, but it would have kept me from agonizing over what had happened or what would happen. He had told me how he didn’t love her, how he had not worn his ring in ages, and how she didn’t wear hers either. They were just together. I think, that when he found out she loved him, well, he realized he still loved her. That is the way it should have turned out I guess...they have two kids, and its best for the children that way as well. The end of my story can be found in my final letters to him....
(What did the letters say? Will they change anything? How will she deal with this? How will he?)
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