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In The Spirit Of Fairness
I now realize a deep and profound truth that has eluded my perception since my earliest days. I’ve hunted for it in the same way a blind hog hunts for an acorn. I’ve rooted around, hither and thither, turning over this or that log, ever wary of the scent that just escapes me, driving me mad with its presence. It’s in the wind and it’s in the diner across the street from Wal-Mart. I’ve chased it through the monsoon rains of the central highlands in Viet Nam to the fathers’ waiting room at the University of Missouri Health & Sciences Center. On several occasions I thought I’d found it, only to be scorned by crass imitators unworthy of mention.
Oh, I’ve been diligent- or so I’ve been led to believe. I played by the rules, fought the good fight, kept a stiff upper lip, minded my manners, etc., etc., ad infinitum. I went to school, got a job, supported my family and even went to church. Everyman. Every so often, I’d get a whiff of it, and once again the chase was on.
I’ve received advice from clergy, captains of industry, family, friends and even the occasional drunk or drug addict sitting next to me on a barstool. Everyone knows how to get it and where to find it, but like the six-year-old who gets his fingers slapped when reaching for candy, it’s just out of reach. I still haven’t been able to evaluate which group’s advice made more sense.
For nearly a half-century I’ve let it make a sucker of me. Have you ever stood for hours on a golf course driving range, hitting bucket after bucket of balls, oblivious to the thunderstorm drenching you, all because a scratch golfer gave you a swing tip while taking the money he’d won from you during the round? Or sneaked into the barracks shower room after lights-out and hid in a stall to spit-shine your boots because inspection was tomorrow, and you didn’t want to embarrass your Drill Instructor? Did you ever turn down a job offering twice the money you’re making now because your wife didn’t want to get so far away from the woman whose entire reason for existence is to make your life a living hell?
None of these situations involved courage or honor. They were created, nurtured and executed by ego. Okay, are you listening? Here it is, the crème de la crème of all advice:
Get over yourself… while there’s still time.
That’s it. Finito. Thanks for coming out tonight, folks, I hope y’all enjoyed the show. Be sure to rush right out and buy a copy of my new CD.
It was right there all the time, yet I spent the better part of my life in denial. I lied to myself at every juncture- I really was the best rifleman in my platoon… the only reason the other Marine got promoted is because he was black. The other guy got the sales manager’s job instead of me because he’s an ass-kisser par excellence! Okay, so what if his production numbers were better than mine, no one in the office liked the jerk… I’ve got at least one great novel locked up deep inside me, and I know it’ll come out, if I can just—
Well, that novel’s not coming out, but that’s okay, because you see, friends, it simply wasn’t meant to be. I’m having fun for the first time in my life, because I’ve taken the pressure off. By my own edict, there will be no more self-imposed rules or deadlines. I write for me now, and if any of you like it, swell! You just made me the happiest guy on the block for the next thirty-four seconds. If not, ain’t that just too damn bad? I’ll remind you about the price you paid to read it: Nil, zero, bupkus, nada, zippo, nothin’… consider it a minor annoyance and go on about your search for free good-stuff.
Consider this my manifesto, and in the spirit of fairness, I’ll honor your right to consider me a slacker, hack, fraud, quitter and/or ne’er-do-well. That’s okay, because, you see, friends and neighbors, I finally get it. The deep and profound truth is that there is no deep or profound truth. It’s a scam of a sham of a mockery. It’s a shell game disguised as Three-Card Monty, it’s pulling your life savings out of your IRA and giving it to your brother-in-law because he’s come up with a Can’t-Miss Opportunity involving a stock tip he received (but he can’t talk about it), it’s a sucker’s bet, and the joke is on you if you fall for it.
Yea, I know… I’m a cynic. But that’s okay, because I’m a happy cynic, forgive the contradiction in terms. You shall know the truth and it shall set you free, right? These days, I can learn to love the flu if I’m forced to. Enjoy yourself, people. Life is fleeting and we’re all going to be dead for a very long time. Or, waste forty years chasing the elusive dream like I did. The choice is yours, but I’m done talking about it.
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