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I know how hard it is to feel like you have to pretend you are someone you aren't, to pretend everything is OK even when it isn't. I don't know if this poem comes out of something deep within you, but I hope that you are able to find help, someone you can trust enough to let in to see the real you, the aching you. I can understand that you don't like hurting like this, not liking this person you see who hurts this way and has to fake being happy. I hope you find someone who can help the aching hurt you to heal, so that can truly have joy, deep within, without having to fake it.
Jessalyn - beautiful name, never heard that one before! You certainly have a way with words, and you touch on some of the deepest emotions of the human heart. We all have our dark moments: "Darkness comes, But there is always the dawning of another day, And the restoration of joyous new light." From a poem by Lee Bradford Browne.