The Chicken Didn't Do It!
by
Mary -BrytEyz- Ball
(Age: 38)
copyright 08-02-2001
Age Rating: 16 to 127
I've just re-read what I've written and stated
Oh my gosh! What's wrong with me?
Why is my writing so full of anger and hate
so full of sorrow, pain, and envy?
I can't blame him for an obvious flaw
I tried so hard not to see
Who's fault is it that what I saw
were the illusions presented me
He told me all his "dreams" in store
his "what if's" and "maybe's" and then
I'm the one who envisioned more
the one who ran away with them
He's just a lily-livered chicken shit
and wherein lies the fault?
His for wishing, or mine for believing it?
Am I justified writing assaults?
He dreamed up things in coffee steam
I'm the one who turned them to stone
He faced the possibilities with me
I turned my back on all I've known
I wanted more than steamed up eyes
and misty "wants" and stargazing
more than excuses and alibis
and romantic fancy phrasings
He wants his cake, not surprisingly
but he wants to eat it too
Dodging the truth disguisedly
believing he's left me out of the loop
Facing the truth isn't easy to do
having tap danced the lie with a fox
Going through a different door too
or slowly stepping out of my box
Comfort zones are where we're used to being
good or bad, it doesn't really matter
Ending dreams I've spent so much time believing
Could anything ever be any sadder?
The brightness of this new reality
just isn't what I'm used to seeing
And although he may very well get mad at me
I'm tired of fighting and disagreeing
Rose colored glasses carefully discarded
blinking in the day's new light
Breathless in the absence of what I've regarded
to be what I thought was right
Yet, even after all we've been through
the dream's not so easily forgot
Stepping away and briefly looking back
All that remains is an empty box
So I'll leave the ranting coward alone
to wallow in his own muck and mire
Cataloging memoirs of a heart turned to stone
one, two, three, ... A-Quire
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Isn't it funny when you look back on things from your past, things that seemed so important at the time, now you just laugh at the way you were. I like how you hate it, but you defend him at the same time. Anthony
Ah.... some things never change. He told me last week he actually left. (About time you say? My sentiments exactly.) Turns out he went right back with his tail between his legs the very next day. Even AFTER there was a special on the radio about the success of certain people after a parent left an abusive spouse. Even AFTER his own daughter said she would be alright. Such is life, eh folks? I said good bye, turned and walked away... and didn't look back. I've hung up the phone so many times as I caught myself dialing him. NOPE! I'm NOT going to do it! I heard there's a phrase out there... "Self respect"... yeah! That one! *grin*
Ok everyone... I've been thinking.. AGAIN. *LOL*
And I believe what I was trying to get at was this... He felt bad for leading me into this mess. I told him first, it was not a mess. Second, He didn't LEAD me anywhere I didn't want to go. And third, he needn't be sorry, it's not his fault I went. I didn't want to put blame for anything on anyone. I don't want to make him feel any worse than he already does. He wants two things, and can't have them both. He needs to make a decision, and doing that takes balls, and it's better than riding the fence or being dishonest. He told me as soon as he realized or thought he couldn't leave his daughter. I never asked or wanted him to leave his daughter, I only thought he wanted to leave his wife. You don't have to leave your kid to leave your wife, ya know? But he doesn't see it that way, and I respect his views and decisions. He also needs to respect mine when I feel I can't stay in a dead end relationship. I am in a similar quandary, I want two things, but must make a choice. I want to be with him, I want a REAL going someplace relationship that I can make plans for the future with and feel stable and secure in. I am making the choice for the latter. He's made a choice, and so have I. There is no fault here, no blame really. My pain? Well, that's what I said was my fault, because I should have never gotten involved with a married man, even if he was GOING to get a divorce when I met him. I should have waited till he had. Not listening to the advice of my wonderful friends who warned me, that is my fault as well. The only thing I think that's his fault was being chicken. He is too scared to go for what he wants in life, and he's willing to settle for a life with a violent wife for the sake of making his daughter happy. I think it will backfire on him, but then again, I'm a bit too close to the whole thing to see it clearly I guess.
It may be wrong of me, but I don't feel used or abused. I feel hurt that I didn't get what I wanted, that the dreams I had just died. I feel it's unfair because I know he still wants to be with me and I think he's just not looking at things right. But, I could be the one who's looking at things wrong.
He never intentionally lied. I think to lie means you say it knowing it's not the truth. He meant every word when he said it. I think he just changed his mind and I'm the sucker stuck on the sticky end of the stick is all. He's hurting as well. But, that's something he needs to deal with.
Just so ya'll know, he has come back and said he changed him mind again the other way, that he will leave, that he can't live without me. Well, I just don't feel so safe jumping back into that well, ya know? He might be serious this time and really do it, he might chicken out again. I don't know. All I know is I'm living that song, Once burned twice shy.. It seems to fit. I'm a little aloof to the whole thing right now. I feel better knowing he cares and feels really bad about "messing up" as he put it. But it doesn't make the doubt that it will happen again go away.
I told him he needs to do whatever he needs to do and it can't involve me. I can't be in the picture. I'm going to do what I should have in the first place, and stay out of the whole thing until (when and if) he does actually go thru with the divorce.
He needs time alone to decide what he wants without me in the picture. I don't want him to end up blaming me for what he feels was a wrong decision sometime down the road. It's so hard to be smart about things when the heart is involved, eh? *smile*
Bev, Robert, Eric, Billy, and Lary: I hope this cleared up some of your questions or thoughts on the matter.
Bev, thanks for always talking out things with me, we share a lot and can help each other I think. I know you've helped me!
Robert: You are a true friend and a wonderful man, because of people like you, I can't give up on men just yet. *smile*
Eric: You are so right, you shouldn't make promises you can't keep. Thus my feelings in the poem "Liar!"
Billy: I do accept responsibility. *smile* Getting involved with a married man was all my fault. Letting him hurt me tho? Well, I think I hurt myself. He really didn't plan on it, and I don't think it was something he wanted to do. Me being hurt is a natural consequence for doing what I did. That's an age old drama, forbidden love. Still wonder what you meant by "Wonder if that will be enough"... any enlightenment there? Thank you for reading and commenting.. you are a sweetheart.
Lary: Thanks for the empathy, you're welcome for the chuckle. HOw's that? *smile*
Okies Beverly. Actually, this started out as a letter to him, and I went back later and edited it because it almost seemed to flow. I'll post the actual first version at the end of the post so you can read it. *smile*
Hi Mary! First, the poem. Great title. It's definitley full of wise cracks, crazy images and emotions. On the other side, myself, I'd prefer dropping the "rules" and the rhymes, then simply let the words flow (but that is me, the free style poet who finds rules too constricting when emotions run high).
As for reading the comments and your poem together....I re-read and wrote, deleted and started again. All I'll say is this, no one "lets" someone abuse, hurt, mislead or use them. No one. Taking responsiblity for your choices is far different from "letting someone use you." You and I have discussed emotional abuse and the twists in the brain and heart, this abuse creates. Remember, you did not "let" him do this to you. Now is time to grab the reins and take full control of your life. That is the first step...then the rest will simply fall into place.
that was good. It has a catchy title. You also have a an interesting way of saying that it is your fault, then you turn around and act and make it sound like you don't wantit to be your fault. But, you never really can tell whose fault it is, in some cases. I'm sure it was all his fault though... I believe that one should not make promises that can't be kept... All in all, it was a good poem, thanks for sharing.
Mz. Conduct? >.... mmm.. Yes, Ms. Kimmi herself could make me a martini and make me forget my woes, eh? LOL. Wouldn't ever have to worry about commitment there! Hahaha... Honest? I've never done that kind of thing. This mess I'm in is the first ever. *shrugs* Everyone is entitled to foul play once in their life I guess.
Lary: I don't know what happened actually, I edited a few other words and the name went kaput! *frown*... I fixed it now. Thanks. :) I did actually contemplate leaving it like that... lol.
Mary, you went and changed the title on me....that's not fair, LOL!
Okay, now it becomes a more thought-provoking piece....I'm guessing that's what you wanted...!
Lary
Mary, this is a fascinating mixture....
some real turmoil going on, yet it starts off with a title that's quite hilarious and you toss in a few smart cracks....
I'm torn between empathizing and chuckling....I guess a bit of both!
I enjoyed it!
Lary
Welcome !
