The Girls Who Found What They Were
Love By My Side, And Death Coming Chapter 1
by
Caitlin M.
(Age: 16)
copyright 05-12-2003
Age Rating: 1 to 127
Picture Credits:
I was walking down the sidewalk. I ignored Devon, and Charlie. Then, opened my door and walked in my house, Luna was there.
I said,"Hey, your from Sailor Moon!"
Luna said,"Of course, but the truth is you and your friends are starlights and a few princessess."
I said,"Wow! I'll be like a mini Sailor Mars!"
Luna said,"Well your training is tomorrow."
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Heh...Short and blunt enough? You're lacking in descriptions and the size is rather sad. You need to fix grammar in the form of the following: add spaces, descriptions, capitals, and some back round info. Not too bad of a start though. I'm off to the next chapter now.
May the divine darkness be with you,
Leigh of the Commenting Crusaders
This is the workshop, ne? Hm, I'm new, so I might be confused. Anywho, I didn't see many people commenting on serial pieces. I wonder why, they need just as much help as anyone. Well here are some of my tips for you. Before I go on, remember, this is constructive criticism. It isn't meant to be taken personally, and you don't have to listen to it. Just some suggestions. ^.^;
Let's start with the first chapter:
*First of all, it's way too short. I can see that right away. If it's going to be that short, then there really isn't a point in having it. You should learn to incorporate it somehow with another chapter. If you absolutely HAD to end this chapter with the line "Well, your training is tomorrow." (Which I know you didn't, because I read the next chapter) than you should include more information before hand. You were walking down the sidewalk. Okay...so what? Was it sunny, raining, cold, hot? Were you late or early? Was it Saturday or Wednesday? Are you coming home from school or from the arcade? What's the setting? What are you wearing? What mood are you in? You need to elaborate a bit and actually give the reader something to read. Without any sort of descriptions whatsoever, all we're left with is to guess at what is going on. You might invision yourself with black hair, but I might see you as red. If you want me to see black hair, tell me it's black. Also, you meantion Devon and Charlie, but you never say who they are. You can't do that in a story, it just left me wondering why you even included that sentence.
*Let's look at grammar. Make sure to use spellcheck and grammar check before you submit a story. It also helps to get an editor to look over your things. If all people see are spelling errors and sentences that aren't punctuated correctly, they're not going to want to read your story.
*You're a young author (a very good author for being so young. ^.^;;), so I'll give you some advice on sentence structure. No one likes to read fifty simples sentences (I ran to the store) in a row, fifty complex sentences (During the battle, Sailor Moon decided to eat an ice cream cone) in a row, OR fifty compound sentences (I skipped my way to the store, and I found my necklace) in a row. You need variety. Spice up your story by giving your readers a mixture of the different sentences to keep them interested. If you use too many of the same kind, your story just won't flow as well, making it difficult to read and understand.
*Adjectives, adjectives, adjectives! I can NOT express the importance of this enough. You need descriptions in your story. No, you don't have to put in so many that it's unbearable, but you have to remember that only YOU know what your setting, characters, clothes, etc look like. Give your reader some idea!
*A nifty thing about using dialogue is that you don't always have to use the word "said". A lot of time you're not saying things, you're yelling, sighing, laughing, etc. If your character is doing one of these things, let the reader know. ("Stop it you loser," Serena giggled madly as Darien tickled her with his feather pen. "That tickles!!") ("What have you done with my friends?!" Rei shrieked, looking around at the empty landscape.) Do you get the idea? It's a very simple, yet effective, tool to use.
I'm really, really impressed with how well you write at such a young age! ^.^;; Keep it up and you'll be publishing in no time!
Quick Tips:
~Everyone should have an editor for their stories. Get one.
~Ask for experience writers' advice.
~Listen to the advice.
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